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The stigma of being a NRP

(30 Posts)
NotaDisneyMum Fri 21-Sep-12 21:35:27

I'm so cross I can't even be bothered to name change!

DSS spends Thurs to Mon every other week with us - so 20% of his school days are spent with us and have been for 2 years.

Despite this, the school aren't very good at keeping DP informed and he has to ask for copies of letters etc if/when he hears about them - as DSS mum doesn't tell him.

DP got an from the school secretary today with a letter from the PTA attached. Unfortunately, she had forwarded on all the email correspondence between herself and the chair of the PTA in which she explained that she needed a copy of the letter for the astranged families.

This is the latest in a long line of incidents in which the school has blatantly discriminated against separated parents - including the brutally honest statement from the Head when DP explained that he and DSS mum were no longer together in which she said that the school had too many split families shock

brdgrl Fri 21-Sep-12 23:41:50

That's really bad. I hope you've called it to their attention?

taxiforme Sat 22-Sep-12 06:05:07

I agree, it is frustrating. Even when the school is "good" they cannot get it right. We are, likewise with the kids 20% school days.

We got a letter about my DSS who has special funding for LD. It was a simply a copy of the letter sent to RP (DHexW) with a "report attached".

No report was attached- so basically they had sent us a letter telling us they had sent her a report. Yipee doo dah. Why not include the report?!!

It just reinforces the control which is going on - we have to go asking her for the report. Also reinforces the "I'm the parent with (emphasise) care" which we get which drives me mad. Like we don't bother or care .

washingonawednesday Mon 24-Sep-12 19:36:38

This post is concerning to me (in addition to the angst for you- I'm sorry you're dealing with this)

After reading these forums I was under the impression that we could both be registered as parents with the school and they would send out/ post/ email 2 copies of everything.

Im a way off yet as ds is only 2, and I am the rp. I hate my ex, but would never use my child as a weapon and thought that the school being in charge of paperwork would mean one less argument to potentially have. I'd never knowingly withhold information, (as I suspect your rp is doing) but also I know I would forget to pass stuff on on occasion and quite frankly I do enough as a single mum without having to go through the rigmarole of photocopying and forwarding all school info to a man who is positively offensive to me everytime there is even a minor difference in opinion and dosent pay enough attention to his son (again- not suggesting your dp is like this)

As for 'too many split families' what a terrible thing to state on official communications! Suggests its the children's fault for having parents who have split for whatever reason.

I'm appalled!

purpleroses Mon 24-Sep-12 22:40:35

Washing - you're right in theory that most schools will say they'll supply letters for both parents. But my experience is the same as those above that this doesn't always happen. My DS is now at secondary where they are much better at sending everything by email but both the primaries they've been at have been hit and miss with most communication being sent home with the kids to be read only by whichever parent picks it up. If you share weekday care and aren't on great terms you'd have problems.

littlebluechair Tue 25-Sep-12 10:08:29

Oh, schools are a nightmare in this regard!

I would make a formal complaint about that language if it were me.

I would also complain in writing every time a letter is missed, to the governors.

Are there other separated parents you know? If your school has 'too many split families' hmm then you could become quite the little pressure group smile

MiniMonty Wed 26-Sep-12 02:36:07

No nonsense - immediately complain to your local authority, to your MP and to your councillor. This is utterly unacceptable and all and sundry should be made aware. If you sit still and stew nothing will change - if you buck up and do something you'll end up helping lots of other people.

Well out of order - DO SOMETHING !

IneedAsockamnesty Sat 29-Sep-12 18:57:52

im not sure i understand the issue.

the school asked for copies to be sent out to each parent and refered to them as astranged. unless it was a spelling issue

and a headteacher made a comment about to many familes splitting up.

parents who live apart are estranged and far to many families do split up these days.

nkf Sat 29-Sep-12 18:59:19

Why are you posting about it? It's his child. Let him sort it out.

NotaDisneyMum Sat 29-Sep-12 22:21:14

socks DSS parents are estranged, his family isn't. And what is the optimum number of split families for a one-form intake primary school?

nkf biscuit

IneedAsockamnesty Sat 29-Sep-12 22:58:48

dont be soft there is no optimum number but one would like to think it would be great if there were very few but sadly life isant like that,its all fine and well for adults to change minds ect but from the heads perspective parents parting company is not usually a song and dance warrenting great joy for the kids,its totally acceptable from that perspective to feel its not to be congratulated.

when a school send a letter its rarely sent to the pupil its sent to the parents. its perfectly acceptable to use the term estranged families as thats what sepperated/divorced parents are. as in one parent is estranged from the other. that is not discrimination at all its a point of fact. i.e were a family now are not.

it would be a very different matter if they were sending the letters to the child as that would imply the child was estranged from his/her family.

i have never seen the point in getting all excited about none issues when life as a step parent and/or parent throws up so many real issues that are worthy of getting up in arms over.

but then again 20 years ago when i was a sm for the first time before i learnt it wasnt all about me and how i felt and what mattered to me and sussed it was about the kids i used to get funny about petty stuff as well.

NotaDisneyMum Sat 29-Sep-12 23:18:47

The context of the too many split families comment was because the head was explaining that class teachers can't be expected to remember the family circumstances of each child, which is why the dads weren't kept informed about school events.

I only hope they they can remember the child whose mum died when the class next make mothers day cards!

DP isn't making a song and dance about it - as a school governor, he can do more good by influencing things from within wink
I just came here to vent because I know that other schools do it so much better - my DDs former primary is excellent at managing a wide range of diverse, complex and sometimes high-risk family dynamics; DSS school is a disappointing contrast.

Tryingtothinkofnewsnazzyname Sat 29-Sep-12 23:26:56

I don't think estranged is the right term at all. The dictionary (yes, it's that time in the evening, folks) defines it as 'displaying or evincing a feeling of alienation; alienated'. That's rather presumptous and assumes that there is bad feeling between the different households the child lives in. No need for the head's comment at all, either. And in the age of digital communication and mailmerge I can't see how it should be at all difficult to automatically send letters, whether on paper or by email, to two parents at two different addresses. It's hardly brain surgery!

brdgrl Sat 29-Sep-12 23:33:23

sock, I think your post was unnecessarily rude.

Whatever you might have found works for is hardly a petty issue. If one parent is being excluded from vital information about his/her child (educational, medical, legal, whatever), I should say that was a fairly central issue.

brdgrl Sat 29-Sep-12 23:33:24

sock, I think your post was unnecessarily rude.

Whatever you might have found works for is hardly a petty issue. If one parent is being excluded from vital information about his/her child (educational, medical, legal, whatever), I should say that was a fairly central issue.

brdgrl Sat 29-Sep-12 23:33:53

oops. sorry. I meant it, but I didn't have to say it twice. smile

IneedAsockamnesty Sat 29-Sep-12 23:42:23

how was it rude? shes not complaining about being excluded from info shes complaining about the words used in a email that was not intended to be seen by her,that was asking for extra copies to make sure the nrp was not excluded from the info.

brdgrl Sat 29-Sep-12 23:51:44

how was it rude?
Oh, come on. This : dont be soft

and oh yes, especially this: before i learnt it wasnt all about me and how i felt and what mattered to me and sussed it was about the kids i used to get funny about petty stuff as well.

IneedAsockamnesty Sat 29-Sep-12 23:52:58

op, just saw your post about the context of the heads comment, in that case that aspect its a fair comment as he should remember.

NotaDisneyMum Sat 29-Sep-12 23:53:44

brdgrl thanks - although socks wasn't anywhere near as rude as nkf wink

IneedAsockamnesty Sat 29-Sep-12 23:54:12

sorry but it is soft to get all ranty about stuff like that and it is making the suituation about you and your feelings.

NotaDisneyMum Sat 29-Sep-12 23:56:25

socks - if I had the time to go to the gym and vent my frustration, I would - as it is, 5 mins ranting on MN does the job - please don't deny me my own form of stress relieve, even if it isn't what you would choose wink

IneedAsockamnesty Sun 30-Sep-12 00:10:28

but i do compleatly agree that nkf was rude and unwarrented.

fwiw many moons ago i went into being a sm in a very gung ho fashion seriously it was embarrising (looking back on it) all of a suddon everybody was out to get me everybody was doing/saying the wrong thing nobody was taking account of me being a sm and the dc's being my stepchildren (at least thats how i saw it) it seamed like everyday was a battle and every issue was blown compleatly skyhigh.

i wanted so badly to be brilliant at it,after a few years i did learn that my approach to it was making it harder not just for me but for everybody else involved so i compleatly backed off and left most of the smaller things go i stopped getting my teeth in iykwim. after that the dc's and there mum stopped seeing me as a threat. sadly there dad and i broke up later i remarried a chap with 4 kids and i took the softly softly approach.

unfortunatly dad was a bit of a prick but now the 3 first sdc's and the 4 sdc's and i are very very close im a honory step gp to one of there childen(was even birthing partner) and the youngest dsd comes to stay at mine once a week. they are relationships we all value and respect.

it took me to 'get over myself' a fair bit stop being soft/daft to obtain the great respect and love we have.

IneedAsockamnesty Sun 30-Sep-12 00:14:14

ohhhhhh i didnt mean dont do ranty posts i ment dont get stressed out by stuff like that. enhance your calm sort of thing but in a compleatly none rude way

christ rant all you want about anything you want.

NotaDisneyMum Sun 30-Sep-12 00:22:04

Not sure why you think I'm being gung-ho tbh - as I said, DPs solution to the unequal treatment he has received from DSS school has been to get directly involved with the school as a Governor. This is or was my safe place to vent; I wasn't seeking a lecture on how the way I think is damaging the relationship with my DSS -- which I have worked damn hard for--

I would be (and have been) just as frustrated and outraged about the same schools attitude towards disabilities (a pupil who uses a walking frame was excluded from sports day and his parents were asked to keep him home) - I don't have an SN child, so my own feelings don't come into it. smile

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