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Step-children when you separate

(9 Posts)
glitch Fri 21-Sep-12 09:17:59

I'm recently separated and I have 2 step children from my STBXHs first relationship. I have been in their life for the last 13 years but I'm not sure what I do about them now.
It seems odd to invite them round without their dad there but it seems a little like our relationship has been chopped off a little. STBXH told them we were separating without me being there (his choice) so it is now a little awkward to know where our relationships go from here, or indeed if they do.
Both are boys and old teens.

Any advice / thoughts anyone?

Ragwort Fri 21-Sep-12 09:21:27

I think you probably need to discuss it with ex H first, let him know that you would like to keep in touch with your step-sons. Obviously they are at the age when they can choose whether to stay in touch with you but hopefully they will want to so perhaps invite them round for a meal first to have a chat?

theredhen Fri 21-Sep-12 09:25:06

Hmmmm, it's a difficult one isn't it? Do you want to stay in their lives? Will it upset you to see them but without your STBXH there? Will it be a constant reminder? Do you think they will want to see you? How often have you been seeing them?

BlueStringPudding Fri 21-Sep-12 09:32:42

It sounds like you've been an important part of their lives, and it might be very hurtful for them if you just disappear. Can you 'friend' them on facebook, so that you can keep in touch that way and keep communication open.

Either way, I'd be inclined to let them know you love them, and would still love to see them, and that they are welcome to pop in or contact you anytime. Contact like birthday and Christmas cards and presents will be very welcome I'm sure.

The reality is that you may not see them much, but it would be good to keep that option open for them. How old are they?

BlueStringPudding Fri 21-Sep-12 09:33:48

just realised you said they are 'old teens'. In that case, I would make it clear you'd still like to see them, and leave the ball in their court..

brdgrl Fri 21-Sep-12 11:32:26

What was your relationship with them like when you and your ex were together? Do you love them and still want to see them?

Lookingatclouds Fri 21-Sep-12 11:44:13

When I left xh I told dsd that nothing between her and I would change, and that she was welcome to come to my new home and see us or stay at any time. I continued to take her on our holidays, and she continued to spend time over Christmas with myself and my family, which was her choice. She lived over an hour away, so that was the best we could do. Had she been local I think I would have seen her a lot more.

I loved her dearly and wanted to help support her, and that didn't change because I left her Dad, so I just worked from that basis. It would have broken my heart if I had lost contact with her.

As thinks worked out, she has ended up living with me since June this year which has been brilliant, and we are closer than ever now.

glitch Fri 21-Sep-12 15:40:08

Thanks for replying.
STBXH won't mind me staying in touch with them. It's more how I do it I guess. They used to be here every weekend, although I worked for part of it, and I did find it a struggle as they are big and loud!!

I am friends with them on FB but the older one has de-friended me (which I was a little upset about as it was a joint decision for myself and H to split up). Birthdays coming up so I will send a card and pressie anyway.

I think I do need to let them know that I am still happy for them to come round if they want to at any point is probably the best way forwards. It is just an odd situation and teenage boys aren't particularly chatty at the best of times!

Kaluki Sat 22-Sep-12 21:13:26

I have a DSD from a previous relationship. Her dad didn't want us to stay in touch but I have always left the door open for her to visit whenever she wants. She used to pop in on her way home from school and stay for tea and hide it from her dad. Her Mum was happy for her to see us though so that helped
Now she is nearly 20 and at uni and we still see her in the holidays and I am so proud of how she has turned out.
I think all you can do is let them know you are there for them and let them decide when they see you!

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