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Are your DSC included in your wills?

(28 Posts)
mummatotwo Fri 14-Sep-12 22:38:50

not getting on too great with DH at the moment, been on going for a while.

in a nutshell we have one DD together and he has 2 DS's from previous, he left family home and in fact everything didnt take a penny, their mortgage was almost finished as well. House is in outskirts of an affluent area of Oxfordshire where house prices are healthy and always will be.

We had an argument last week and this has been playing on my mind...i said that we ought to make a will as we hadnt yet sort one. I wanted everything to go to our daughter, his sons have been provided for as he walked and left everything. He is in lots of debt and trying to reduce it but he said it wouldnt happen everything would be split between all the children.

Im afraid I dont agree with this, why should what I have go 3 ways I want my DD provided for. We have lots of capital in hour house (in my name as mine before we met). We are going without to pay for his debt atm

mummatotwo Fri 14-Sep-12 23:02:55

he also pays maintenance and private schools fees for DS's

numptymark1 Fri 14-Sep-12 23:07:13

his divorce settlement has nothing to do with inherritance

I agree with him that his children should be treated equally

you decided to go into a relationship with a man who had children -it's all about compromise

pressumably if the house is in your name he can't leave this to this older dcs anyway, so your house will go to yur dd -where's the problem?

lindsell Fri 14-Sep-12 23:16:06

I have made provision for my dsds - iirc (was a while ago now!) if dh dies before me then when I die everything is split between all children (so 2 dsds and our 2 ds) as in that instance I will have inherited from dh so it's only fair that everything then is split between all of the children. If I die first then I think half goes to dh and half to my dc and not to dsds. If we both die together then everything is split between the 4 dc.

lindsell Fri 14-Sep-12 23:18:00

Should of added that if I die first then my assets don't go to dsds at that point but when dh dies then his estate (including his share of my assets) would be split between the 4dc if that makes sense.

brdgrl Sat 15-Sep-12 00:36:32

I agree with you, I think...Splitting things three ways doesn't ensure that the kids are all "treated equally", as there is a disparity to begin with.

The two other children will have whatever comes their way from their other parent. Which includes the assets already given up by your DH (potentially, of course, as you can't be sure what their mum will do - she might leave it all to a home for cats!) . If you treat your own and DH's assets as joint, and then divide them by three, the two older children will receive assets from you, from DH, and via their own mother. DD will receive assets from you and DH.

I would think that DH's assets (not that he has any, it sounds) should be distributed between all three of his children, whereas you are perfectly within reason to want your assets (especially as held prior to your marriage) to go to your own DD.

To what extent do you normally combine your finances?

DH and I haven't made up wills (very bad, I know, and we were JUST talking about it the other day!) - but like you, I have one DD with DH, and he has two older children from a previous marriage (their mum is deceased though, and they live with us fulltime). We don't have any money or assets to speak of, so it is pretty hypothetical...But I would ideally want to ensure all three kids ended up on a sort of 'even playing field' - the older kids have money put aside towards their higher education, for instance, whereas we have nothing set aside for DD. So I'd certainly take that into consideration when planning. The older kids will be independent adults well before DD - so if something happened to me or DH in the next few years, it would affect DD much more deeply and for longer (in financial terms, I mean!) - so I would also take that into account, as being able to support a child would take priority over an inheritance to young adults, IYSWIM.

you decided to go into a relationship with a man who had children -it's all about compromise
pish posh.

You and your DD are already disadvantaged because of his financial choices to date. That is a separate issue, to some degree, but I think in your shoes I would be concerned about protecting DD's future, as the other kids seem to be well provided for already.

NatashaBee Sat 15-Sep-12 00:43:11

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lunar1 Sat 15-Sep-12 12:36:56

You don't know that the mother will leave them anything though. She may be bad with money and lose it all. I would split 3 ways tbh

LtEveDallas Sat 15-Sep-12 12:47:35

DH and I have one child. He has one child from his first marriage.

Our assets are split so that DH has 50%, I have 50%.
DD has all of 'mine', DD has 50% of DH's and DSD has 50% of DH's

So DD will have 75% of the total. DSD will have 25% of the total.
(before people shout that is unfair, remember DSD has 100% of her mothers assets).

Would something like this be acceptable OP? Your DD would have 50%, your DSS's 25% each, rather than all 3 having 33% each.

It took a while for my DH to accept, because he thought it was unfair, but he understands now.

MadamGazelleIsMyMum Sat 15-Sep-12 13:03:14

I own our house - paid for with funds lent by my parents and mortgage paid out of my income (am breadwinner). DH would be unlikely to be a homeowner if not with me. Not on title originally due to his poor credit history but actually now it is better that he isnt. We have also been very careful to ensure that DSD cannot claim to be a financial dependent of mine (and so challenge the arrangements I have made below).

If DH dies first, everything he owns (nothing at moment) split equally between his children, so DSD, DD and our DC2 due in November.

If I die first, everything of mine goes to my children in trust. DH gets a life interest in the house which will be mortgage free due to a policy and is one of the trustees of the cash that will be left over (have a death-in-service benefit). I accept that out of the income he will get, he will need to pay maintenance, and that's fine, but my attitude is that the wealth that has essentially come from me/my family shouldnt pass away from my own children, especially as there wont be any surplus - the death in service should be enough for DH not to work while DC are pre-school age but that's about it. The house will then be available when they leave home for DH to downsize and release funds for uni fees or house deposits or whatever.

This may sound cruel and business-like but I think deciding how you want to deal with things is very important, just in case. Ultimately, DSD is in no different a position than she would be if her parents were still together. For me it is about protecting my children and ensuring they have what is available. DH will have a home for life and will therefore be able to always be in a position to offer DSD a home. Everyone's thoughts and views will be different but you need to find a solution that works for you and your DH and that's all that matters.

Roughwiththesmooth Sat 15-Sep-12 14:35:14

50/50 between me and DH- his half goes 3 ways, and mine goes 2.
Obviously it is far more complicated than this, but it's a good starting point for discussion.
I don't think your DH is being reasonable in his expectations.

planeticketplease Sun 16-Sep-12 14:57:07

DH and I have a similar disagreement. DH has 3 DCs from a previous marriage and also walked away from a house with very little mortgage left. We have one DC together. The provisional solution we have agreed on (which needs some fine turning!) is that on our deaths the value of the house DCs mother is in, or one similar in that area should be found out. She has said that this house will be left to her DCs so they will get a 3rd each. An amount to the same value as a 3rd of her house will be allocated to our DC from our estate before anything else happens. The remainder will be split between the 4 children equally. I hope that makes sense. It was the only way we could (hopefully) ensure that all 4 children get the same amount (from all parents) and that they do not fall out over cash in the future.

Aside from this though I have discussed with my family about the possibility of putting MY inheritance from them into trust or adding a clause to ensure that my DC inherits all of what I feel is rightfully hers from her grandparents. I havent discussed this with DH yet as the dust is still settling from the previous conversation! It took a lot of talking for DH to 'get' the issue I have with a four way split but I felt it is important to protect my DCs financial future and the future relationship between all the siblings. After all, when we are gone my DSCs may be all my DC has left

RedDevilBattery Sun 16-Sep-12 15:02:48

My situation is the opposite. My dds should be well-provided for as some of my family members have included them in their wills. My dsd will probably get nothing from her family. So I have split it more or less equally.

RedDevilBattery Sun 16-Sep-12 15:03:39

If your step-sons will be well-provided for anyway, I'd favour your own daughter. Once your DH has sorted out his money issues, he can start saving something to give to his own sons.

AnitaBlake Mon 17-Sep-12 08:13:12

We will be setting up a similar schema to MmeGazelle. DSD will be incredibly wealthy as a result of her families assets, I brought my assets to the table, and DH agrees they should go to our children.

I don't want to leave DH disadvantaged but his ex will makes moves to get any money she thinks is available and I don't want her touching a penny of my money that I have planned for. I will make separate gift to DSD, most likely jewellery and a small sum, which she will get at an appropriate age.

babesdontlie Mon 17-Sep-12 08:22:30

We both brought one child to our marriage so everything in our wills is split 50/50

theredhen Mon 17-Sep-12 10:35:09

Our wills are the same as they were before we met.

Dp kids inherit from him and ds from me. As it stands at the moment, I am more asset rich than him, however, as time goes on, dp will be much better off than me as his income is building a large nest egg.

Ds won't inherit from anyone apart from me, dsc will inherit from many. I haven't been keen to split my assets five ways rather than one, feels like such a huge sacrifice for ds. sad

purpleroses Mon 17-Sep-12 11:03:16

We haven't altered them - though we're not married and don't have any joint children. I'm fine in principle with mine inheriting from me, and his from him. But the problem is the house we're all living in, which is owned by DP. As it stands at present this goes in trust to his kids, and I have only a verbal agreement that his sister (the trustee) will give me at least 6 months notice to leave - I'd need to give the tenants in my old house 6 months notice to move back there. I think in a year or two, or if we marry, I may ask if it would be possible for him to rewrite it to allow me to stay until youngest DC is 18. DSC will inherit lots from DP, and wider family - more than my DCs will - so I think I'd just look to leave them token items in my will.

ladydeedy Tue 18-Sep-12 19:42:49

I am the breadwinner, own the house and have no children but DH has two DSs, one of whom lives with us. Our joint assets will be split 50/50. My half goes to charity and a little to my godchildren if they are still alive. His half is split how he wishes - some to kids some to charity.
Personally I dont agree with inheritance at all so think people should count themselves lucky if they get anything.

financialwizard Fri 21-Sep-12 10:15:15

purpleroses your DP will have to re-write his will when you marry because a will is made invalid by marriage unless it has a co-dicil stating it was specifically written with the marriage in mind.

ladydeedy you would prefer that your relatives money/housing/other estate went to the government? Personally I would prefer that my parents/grandparent spent all of their money enjoying themselves but I know that they won't.

Lasvegas Fri 21-Sep-12 13:35:21

OP we are like you. My DH and I own a house, at the moment no equity but I have made a will anyway. The house is owned 50:50 we both pay mortgage equally. I have a will and my half of the house is left to our child. His half is left to me. Of course either of us can change our will at any time.

We didn't think they should inherit 2/3 of our home as they will already inherit a mortgage free home from their mum (paid for my their dad).

ladydeedy Fri 21-Sep-12 15:24:24

financialwizard, no I dont think the money should go to the government. I think people should enjoy it whilst they have it. You may have misread my comment : I plan to leave mine to charity with small amount to godchildren.

WhitesandsofLuskentyre Fri 21-Sep-12 16:50:15

The children (my DDs from my marriage and our DS) won't inherit unless we die together/within a month of each other. Otherwise, everything (bar some monetary bequests) goes to the surviving spouse. Neither of us wants to see the other one homeless because the children have a call on part of the house. After all, they aren't the ones who have paid the mortgage...

IceBergJam Sun 23-Sep-12 17:18:49

Mean as it sounds, I dont want the fact that I have step children to dilute my daughters inherirance.

DH and I have a daughter and he has two sons. All of DH assets, so DiS and pension is split three ways and goes to the children. My DiS and pension goes to my daughter.

We took out insurance which goes to each other , or if we both die split as above.
The house goes to each other, or if we
both die split 50/50 because it is a joint asset and goes down each blood line.

If DH dies I get the house, and then to my daughter. My stepchildren have had 18 years of their dads assets, my daughter will not have.

If DH me and my DD die, my DD inheritance passes to my family.

Remember the primary role of inheritance is to clear debt and provide. Younger children will need more provisions.

sudaname Sun 23-Sep-12 18:39:26

God this is a bloody nightmare isnt it !

<shudders at memory of arguments late into the night about this very subject>

Sort of similiar situation. My DH bought his exw out of their marital home ridiculously weighted in her favour (he got about 10k out of it , she got over 120k payout from it and wandered off into the sunset with wad and has just generally lived it up since, just squandered it really, but that's up to her obv.

When we made our wills a few years ago, DH was absolutely obsessed insistent that the tiny bit of equity left in his former marital home (he rents it out now) should go to his two adult DCs and if we both died together my two adult DCs should only get half of our assets, mainly being our house we jointly own and his two should get the equity from his other property, plus half of our house.

More worryingly he was adamant that if he predeceased me, his two adult DCs should still get all the rental income and equity in his other property over me, whilst l presumably struggled as a widow to upkeep all our house bills and mortgage on our marital home and maybe even lose it.

He's seen the light now though smile and the house is just part of the four way split between our DCs and if he died then l would inherit his rental property to help me maintain our marital home. We have also put joint life policies in place.

Guess what his ex wife has put aside from her lions share of their marital assets. Zilch

<Goes for a lie down>

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