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Is this mean?

(44 Posts)
LittleSugaPlum Sat 08-Sep-12 17:51:47

Its DSS birthday today, hes 10years old.
He comes every saturday with DSD aged 8.

For DSS birthday we have got him a WII game what he wanted.

DSS likes to take things home to his mums, DH wont let the children take anything home as it doesnt come back and then the children have nothing to play with whilst they are here.

However DSS has asked if he can take the new WII game home so he can play it at his mums. DH again said no.

I think this is abit mean, i think as its their toys, if they want to take it home then they should be allowed to.

FWIW the children arent allowed to bring toys from their mums house to ours.

Do you think DH is being mean by saying they cant take their toys home?

Sassybeast Sat 08-Sep-12 19:27:08

Yes he is being mean.
Completely unreasonable.

SittingBull Sat 08-Sep-12 19:29:45

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OldLadyKnowsNothing Sat 08-Sep-12 19:38:52

How often do they dc stay over/visit?

I have to say, if they're not allowed to bring stuff from their other house, the same rule should apply, but I can also see how you feel it's a bit mean.

Beamur Sat 08-Sep-12 19:43:48

Be the bigger person. Let him take the game. Maybe suggest that they bring it back with them next time they are your house so they can play it with you too.
FWIW - I am a step mum and we've never had these sorts of rules, I do appreciate that everyone is different, but, our kids have always been able to take between their homes any of their possessions (bar things like furniture!)

RandomMess Sat 08-Sep-12 19:46:49

Very difficult when they're not being allowed to bring stuff to yours by their Mum...

MrsTomHardy Sat 08-Sep-12 19:48:55

Yes he is being mean.

cansu Sat 08-Sep-12 19:56:45

I do not understand this. he has been given a gift and he is only allowed to play with it once a week. Your dh is being mean. Both dh and his ex need to start thinking about what is fair for the children rather than what they perceive as fair to them. It seems to me if you give a gift then it becomes the property of the recipient.

numbertaker Sat 08-Sep-12 20:03:36

I think that you should get games toys that you keep only for your house, then you can say that they always stay here, they are not HIS. When give someone a birthday gift it belongs to them and they really should be able to take it wherever they like.

TBH the boy is dealing with having two families, its a little much to play head games with toys on him. I do think its mean.

wakeupandsmellthecoffee Sat 08-Sep-12 20:07:31

I think it's awful

NotaDisneyMum Sat 08-Sep-12 21:05:57

We had to do this for a while with clothes, toys - even school lunch bags!

Anything that DP or I bought that the DSC took to their mums disappeared, never to be seen again, either by us or the DSC.

We know that DPs ex sold the new horseriding gear that he bought DSD - and then refused to allow DSD to bring her riding clothes her - telling her that if she went to dads she couldn't ride sad

It's all very well being reasonable if both parents are - but when one isn't, then it can cause even more distress for the DCs if the reasonable parent doesn't adapt and compensate for the unreasonable behaviour of the other.

Raptor Sat 08-Sep-12 23:18:06

What NotaDisneyMum said. In a healthy, reasonable co-parenting set-up, yes, I think this would be mean. My ex and I co-parent pretty well most of the time, and DS takes his games, toys, XBox, etc, to his dad's and back on a regular basis with no problem.

DP, on the other hand, has enforced this rule with regard to some things (not all possessions) with his DC. This is because he bought his youngest a coveted toy which went back to Mum's and was never seen again - cue endless toddler meltdowns. The replacement is to stay with us. Also, one of his DC had so many school PE kits disappear at Mum's that DP was having to keep replacing them - and so now the kit is to be left at school/brought here for washing. This sort of thing has happened enough to warrant a loose rule with certain stuff.

It's not ideal, but IME, it depends who you're dealing with.

theredhen Sun 09-Sep-12 07:04:45

It depends on whether toys and clothes etc come back from the other house?

You can very easily find yourself buying new clothes and toys every time the child comes only to never be seen again.

We always used to have this rule and I can't tell you how much it upset me to see his kids open their Christmas presents on Christmas morning, only to have to leave them in their room within half an hour to go back to the other parent. sad

Now kids are older we pay lots of maintenance but they do sneak lots of things backwards and forwards. I would suggest dp ex has not bought them any clothes out of her maintenance for a long time going by how often they "need" new clothes here.

purpleroses Sun 09-Sep-12 12:06:11

I would let him take it to his mum's as a one off because it's new, but ask specifically that it comes back to your house on his next visit and stays there as something for him to play on when he's with you.

ladydeedy Sun 09-Sep-12 12:33:48

Agree. We have had things which we bought for DSCs end up in a carboot sale because EXW wanted money to go on holiday! (without kids). So I completely understand. As others have said, you cant be reasonable where the other party (ex) is not being reasonable.

Kaluki Sun 09-Sep-12 14:38:08

It's mean but necessary sad
We have this situation too with dsc! I think it's a shame but thing disappear at her house.
She won't allow them to leave anything here either - everything is separate, even pants and socks!
The stupid thing is that the dsc have ended up with 2 of everything which is a ridiculous waste of money!
I don't get involved though - I pick my battles!

littlelamby Sun 09-Sep-12 17:24:58

I don't think it's mean, as long as the rules about what can/can't be taken are explained and consistent.

We do the same thing - even with clothes. It does seem silly, because they have two of everything/can't play with the toys all the time - but then they have two homes. It avoids another source of potential conflict between their parents, and it means that they'll always know where things are or what to expect to be available at each house. Hopefully when they're older and are able to be responsible for their own things a lot more, it will be fine for them to take stuff back and forth.

The biggest bonus I've found of us having our 'own' raincoats, gloves, sunglasses, clothes, toys etc is that we're not reliant on DP's ExP to remember to bring stuff, which means our plans don't get disrupted and everyone is happier. While we don't get on, I think not expecting anything above the basics from each other is a good thing! And it's amazing what you can pick up in charity shops etc - hasn't cost us a fortune at all.

LittleSugaPlum Sun 09-Sep-12 18:07:33

If it was up to me i would let him take the present home, but as hes not my child and hes DH then its not up to me to over rule DH decision.

As hes ten now, i feel that hes old enough to bring stuff back, and if he doesnt then its his own fault if he then has nothing to play with at ours.

No things dont come back from their mums.

booki Sun 09-Sep-12 18:34:01

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Beamur Sun 09-Sep-12 18:46:35

One way round it in future might be to have presents more 'token' but to buy to share (and keep at your house) family items such as games/consoles.
If you have an ex who keeps things or worse (like NADM's) then whilst sad, it might be better that more valuable items aren't up for sharing between homes.

surfingluby Sun 09-Sep-12 18:52:53

My sister and her partner used to be in the same situation and they used to say birthday and Christmas presents can go home until the next time they visit but if it doesn't come back then the next time they won't be aloud to take it. It seemed to work really well for them. Good luck, it's an awful situation for the children.......I've witnessed it for years and it used to break the children's hearts as they didn't have such nice things at their mums which was no fault of hers. It was awful having to watch them get changed into tatty clothes ready for her to pick them up :-(

JRsgirl Sun 09-Sep-12 22:04:44

The children are old enough to be told that the rule has changed. It could be that no essential items carried to and fro because of the inconvenience when they don't bring them back but that fun items and gifts can be carried to and fro. They are the children's items and I don't think it's right to give gifts with conditions attached to them.

Although I 100% understand that your DH is frustrated tobuy things that go missing because it happened with my DSD all.the.time.

ProbablyJustGas Mon 10-Sep-12 13:09:11

We've gone through the same with DSD's stuff disappearing at the other house. And sometimes, we have been those bad guys who have washed and put away a favorite t-shirt or school uniform piece that the ex originally bought, or have put away a gift from another family member and forgotten to send it back with DSD the following week. There is a lot of "can I have that back" going on between DH and exW, still.

However, DH and I never felt comfortable telling DSD that she couldn't take her things with her. We really felt uncomfortable about it when DH's parents started telling DSD where she could and couldn't take presents they gave her. So, we've lightened up as DSD has gotten a bit older. When she asks to take something with her - like her Nintendo DS - we let her now. We just remind her that if she forgets to bring it back from Mum's, then she won't have it here to play with that week. That seems to be doing the trick so far.

ProbablyJustGas Mon 10-Sep-12 13:12:54

We are also all just a lot more vigilant about rounding up stray clothes, unfamiliar toys, watches, change purses, etc, and making sure these end up back with the original household in a more timely fashion. That has been worth doing!

It is a tough one this. I have a lot of tooing and froing between me and my STEXH with our DS stuff. The problem is that our drop offs are via school and school are not particularly happy with the bags of stuff that my DS wants to transport each week grin. So sometimes I will agree f I am seeing my ex and hand over is direct, otherwise perhaps I dont agree. I find it makes more work for me thinking what is where (particularly for school stuff and clothes). We have currently lost the school tie and I am too mean to buy 2 of those! I liked the idea of a PP of having a communal, family set of toys.

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