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Inconvenience himself rather than have a word

(8 Posts)
theredhen Tue 04-Sep-12 13:25:55

Dsd1 aged 16 has ranted a number of times about how much she hates my car (and my previous car). It's too small, too low, I don't drive it fast enough or overtake enough etc etc. she's said all this in front of dp not just to me. I've waited for dp to say something and he hasn't. I've told dsd that maybe she should be thankful to get a lift in any car. She's ignored me.

So the last time it happened I decided I would never take her anywhere in my car again. So this morning I do school run for dp kids inc dsd1. All fine because I will take dp car like I usually do now. Dp asks me to leave his car behind as he needs a big car for something today. I say fine, but I won't be taking dsd1 to school then as she's so rude.

Quick as a flash he insists I take his car and "he'll borrow someone else's car".

So instead if teaching his daughter to be well mannered he will inconvenience himself and someone else.

Says it all doesn't it?

catsmother Tue 04-Sep-12 14:15:38

You know that's bloody ridiculous. And he's putting his needs (presumably he did actually need the big car or else why say so confused) below the wants (with no good reason, ungrateful madam) of a child, who, for a variety of rude and pathetic reasons doesn't want to ride in your car.

I would lose all respect for a so called adult who was so scared of telling his spoilt child to either accept whatever lift she was offered, or make her own way to school. And if it wasn't possible for her to get there under her own steam maybe due to distance and/or lack of public transport I'd bloody well tell her to get in the car (under threat of sanctions if she didn't) and to stop being such an arrogant drama queen. "Hating" your car indeed - unbelievable. I might add in for good measure that increasing numbers of families these days are having to relinquish any sort of car because they simply can't afford to run one ... meaning that their world, and that of their teenage children, almost certainly ends up effectively shrinking as it's now not to easy to travel anywhere, and when they do, it invariably takes longer and isn't anywhere near as convenient. She really is spectacularly spoilt isn't she if she's been pandered to about this until now.

But it's clear he's not going to man up any time soon isn't it ?

You know what I think you should do.

theredhen Tue 04-Sep-12 14:28:28

Oh she would get in the car ok. She's not stupid but then wait a few weeks and have another whine with her superior nose in the air. angry

At 16 she's old enough to know tact and diplomacy or just not bother and be damn rude. I think she actually wants a row, wants to see where the boundaries are but no one will show her. sad

I'm probably guilty of "allowing" it too but seeing as I get virtually no say over most things in my own home I don't see why I should be parenting her when her own parents have failed her.

catsmother Tue 04-Sep-12 14:43:55

I do appreciate that .... you'd be instantly cast as the wicked witch stepmother if you tried to correct bad behaviour while her parents stand by and allow it to happen. You're right it is so damned rude and of course your DP should be pulling her up on rudeness of any sort regardless of how it originated.

You know - I think that from now on I'd play devil's advocate and only ever take MY car on the school run. If you can fit all the kids in your car then presumably the only reason you've been taking DP's car instead is because otherwise Princess would have a strop ? I'd start saying that I preferred MY car and that was that. There is no good reason for taking DP's car except pandering to her, so yeah while you continue to take his then I'm afraid you are condoning this crazy situation where a kid dictates who's driving what and where. If she didn't like it .... i.e. was rude again .... I'd tell her to lump it and daddy would have to sort her out instead.

I really really hope you make her sit in the back BTW ........

Of course, it would be far far nicer and easier, and a much better start to the day wouldn't it if you only had to take one (unspoilt) child to school !

theredhen Tue 04-Sep-12 14:49:40

Yep, or hang about in my pjs while he makes his own way to school because we don't live in the back of beyond. wink

And yes, I'm certainly guilty of pandering to her by trying to stop an atmosphere and giving in to what she wants. Another example of me changing my behaviour to fit round them and their moods. I do it so much I don't even think I'm aware of it! blush

wakeupandsmellthecoffee Tue 04-Sep-12 20:16:48

I would give her a lift in DHs car BUT I would open the windows. And click the switch to lock them down and I would play her most hated music at a loud volume with a smiley faced. I personally woul go for classical musicals it has a bit of class about it . you think Im joking .

Lilypad34 Wed 12-Sep-12 16:38:39

I would give her a lift in DHs car BUT I would open the windows. And click the switch to lock them down and I would play her most hated music at a loud volume with a smiley faced. I personally woul go for classical musicals it has a bit of class about it . you think Im joking.


theredhen Thu 13-Sep-12 16:29:49

Must dig out my classical music. grin

Been thinking about this a lot and I can really see I have been "enabling" their terrible behaviour by "giving in".

Do you know what though? I think I feel all this standing up to them over which car, which crockery, bedtimes and all that "everyday" stuff is pointless if they have the ultimate power of turning my life upside down by announcing that they are living with me out of the blue/not living with me/not staying with us for contact.

Ultimately if all 5 kids are living with me, I will have no choice but to give up work, give up my car etc. and be a lot poorer. That feels like a lot of power to hold over me. Far more than DP has!

DSD2 said she wanted to "swap things around" and stay with us 2/3 of the time and live with Mum 1/3 of the time. She has seen her Mum for about 6 hours in 2 months and had 1 overnight. I do feel for DP, he doesn't want to push her, but ultimately the children call the shots and I have to suck it up.

I think that's why I have "ignored" the smaller stuff when I feel the fundamental problem is much bigger.

And that's why I feel my choices are actually very limited.

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