Contact at all costs?

[NotaDisneyMum]

There have been a lot of threads recently about high conflict shared parenting arrangements, in which DCs have more or less equal time with both parents but there is regular conflict & disagreement that the DCs get caught up in. I've been in that situation with my ex for three years.

My motivation for persevering has been that an equal relationship with both parents is more important than anything else - but is it?

Would you, as a step-parent, support/encourage your DP to reduce contact with his DCs in order to reduce the conflict between households?

[theredhen]

I live with the result of this everyday and before I was with dp I would have said that having two parents being there for kids is great even if they do fight, but having lived with it and seen the damaging effect in the children I actually think it would be better for less contact with Nrp for the kids. Dsd mum is upsetting dsd when she sees her and to be honest the other dsc don't seem to take a lot of pleasure in coming to ours, they're always saying his much better it is at mums!

My ds is reasonably well adjusted and far more so than the steps and he hardly sees his dad (dads choice), so I think that says it all. He has no one to run to when he gets a hard time here, unlike the steps. I'm not scared of any repercussions from the other parent and there's something to be said for that!

[glasscompletelybroken]

DH has 50/50 shared care and fought for it when him and his ex got divorced as she is a border-line fruit-cake.

he really does well avoiding conflict but sometimes it is inevitable (this weekend for instance...) All round though I think it is vital that they have this much time with their dad to balance out the madness...

[littlebluechair]

This is a very interesting question. We are all advised what to do in ideal situations but the trouble is people are complex and some people are damaged/damaging.

I have spoken to social workers, psychiatrists, counsellors etc in general about this issue and they all say there is a point at which contact becomes more harmful than beneficial - where a parent is manipulative, unkind, abusive etc.

However I have never had one of these people say contact should be reduced due to conflict between parents. You can make case for trying to reduce the time a child is left with a damaging parent but imo there isn't a case for reducing contact with a positive parent in order to reduce conflict between parents. If the resident parent is so negative the child will benefit from as much relationship as possible with the other. In those circs I wouldn't want to risk the child feeling abandoned by cutting contact.

But I fully understand how hard it is and how it seems less conflict would be better. But I think that just models acquiescence, whereas the child needs to see other adults standing up to controlling/difficult parent to give hope that one day they can make their own choices too. That is not the same as arguing/behaving badly, but sometimes one has to say 'no' to unreasonable people. The trick is to work hard to keep the conflict out of sight I think.

[littlebluechair]

I guess where parent uses conflict as a weapon e.g. Arguing in front of kids, then it is necessary to be super tough such as handovers at contact centre/3rd party and all discussion by email. If parent A is so damaging they will make child feel guilty for relationship with parent B, I think the child needs parent B all the more.

[littlelamby]

Good points littlebluechair.

The question popped into my head the other day - would it be better if DSCs just lived with their mum and never saw their dad, thereby avoiding all the conflict and uncertainty over when they'll see their dad (as the Ex constantly changes dates - long story for another day)?

A little bit of me thought, maybe... and then a much larger part of me thought, no way! DP is their dad, and a very good one at that (Ok, I know I'm biased!). He's been a huge part of their upbringing and its obvious to see how much he means to them and how much they benefit from seeing him. It's our responsibility as their dad and step mum to minimise the harm that the conflict brings. We can't control what ExP says and at the moment we can't stop her changing weekends (I've got a feeling it's going to end in court...) on a whim, but what we can control is how we act. We did try involving eldest DSS in discussions once (he's 9) but it obviously distressed him as he didn't want to have to make choices between seeing his dad and doing other things. So we learnt from that - at the moment, however tempting it is to get him 'on side', it's not fair to do that to him. So we can make sure that, however bad we're feeling about everything, we don't speak badly of the ExP, we don't question her authority in front of the children, we try to explain everything clearly and fairly to them, we take responsibility for what's happening (so they don't feel they have to), we don't argue with ExP when we see her and we're positive and loving when the children come to stay. As littlebluechair says, we're providing a positive example to the children.

It's not easy, and I admit that sometimes I cave (normally by crying with frustration rather than saying anything bad, but still don't like doing it in front of DSCs), but then I'm sure there are other parenting situations that are equally difficult, where you have to stay strong and put on a brave face for the sake of the children. The main thing, I think, and the hardest thing, is to keep your role as a parent/step parent, and your role as an ExP/partner of someone with an ExP separate - so the rage and negativity has to be dealt with in the latter role, so it doesn't spill into the former. Much easier said than done sometimes, but I'm learning a lot about people and relationships!

[purpleroses]

I'm not sure. But am thinking about this at the moment. DSD2 has said to DP a few times that she wished she lived with us. She's always been a bit of a daddy's girl, and also gets on very well with me and my kids. Now it's rather come to a head with secondary school applications, DP's ex has got wind of it and was really angry at the suggestion.

DSC come to us every weekend at present, but spend the week with their mum.

I'm inclined to urge DP not to try and pursue any increased contact as it would no doubt cause a great deal of conflict. It makes him sad, esp when she says she wishes she could stay here, and he has to take her home. But I don't think the conflict would be a price worth paying for (possibly) increased contact :(

[theredhen]

I know this goes against a lot of people's thoughts and feelings but I do believe that a child is better off having one main home rather than flitting between two several times a week. I'm an ideal world both parents want the best for the kids but don't encourage the child to "choose" one parent over another. Consistency is key with parenting but by teaching kids that contact is their right and they can choose where to live, I think we hand over too much responsibility and power to the children who are I'll equipped to deal with it.

In my opinion kids want stability and to see both parents. If they live in one "home" and "visit" another where they are welcome and loved and supported, I think that is the best way for the kids.

The problems start when both parents want the kids to live with them and even if not expressly spoken about the children will pick up on the undertones and feel split loyalties. They are in a no win situation trying to please everyone.

[Petal02]

Excellent post, Redhen.

[purpleroses]

Redhen - yes I think that's what I mean really - that having "an equal relationship" with both parents maybe isn't what it's all about. Relationships are all different, never really "equal" to each other. As long as there's enough time to develop a relationship with each parent, and the pattern of contact overall meets the child's other needs (eg ensures they're always cared for, allows them to get to school, see friends, etc), then I don't think that equal time with both parents is necessary to achieve that. And it would be better to have less time with one parent if this avoids conflict between the parents.

Whether my DSD would be better off living with us or with her mum is hard to know, but she's definitely better off with her mum without conflict, than she would be with us but with conflict.