mother in law woes

[Fooso]

I'm so cross! My 2 DSD's came to live with us last year as their mum went into a home (alcoholic, neglectful of the girls etc). I have become like a mum to them and they love me -I care for them and discipline them with the full support of my DP . My MIL came round for a BBQ a week or so ago. the youngest DSD (9) was having a strop and stomped off to the lounge - I went in after about 10 mins to tell her it was time for bed - she still had a strop and ignored me so i said "fine, if you're going to be like that you won't be going to the stables with my sister tomorrow" .. onset much wailing and sobbing, running out to the garden to my DP and MIL who promptly says "its not up to Fooso whether you can go its up to your dad" - completely undermined me. My DP called her a few days later and said comments like that aren't helpful - Fooso is like a mum to them etc... So then we go on a big family camping trip and she ignores me practically for 4 days - then I get home to a letter from her! She says "sorry if you took what I said the wrong way, I just don't see why you had to go in 15mins after the strop and stop her going..I don't like to see my grandaughter upset like that - rest assured I'll keep away from you all now to ensure I don't upset anyone" - She wasn't event in the house when I said it! This from a woman who never babysits, comes round to see them etc. What has annoyed me the most is I have taken on the role of their mum for the last year (I have my own DS too) and not once has she acknowledged anything I've done to give them a good home and security yet she has made me feel like a wicked stepmother over one stupid incident!! GRRR !...

[StaceeJaxx]

Ignore, ignore and ignore some more is the best advice I can give you, from someone who was made to feel the same towards my DSD who I've brought up as my own for 11 years! Rise above it.

[theredhen]

Oh my goodness, I can't imagine how angry you must feel. She has no idea has she?!

Perhaps you could write her a letter back although it would probably not work in getting her to understand. Like so many in here state, you have no idea what's its like to bring up someone else's kids until you actually do it!

And I thought dp family was bad for not even acknowledging the role I've taken on.

[Fooso]

Thanks Stacee.. you're right - we're all supposed to be going to a family lunch on Saturday - I feel like saying sod it I'm not going then the other bit of me says Go and ignore her!

[Fooso]

Thanks Redhen - she has made me feel rotten. The thing that annoys me is she's seen me do all the nice stuff and said nothing - but is like a dog with a bone on this one... One good thing is my DP has really stepped up on this one - which means alot (I know you understand how much that means)

[theredhen]

Being acknowledged is really important isn't it? Nobody wants any medals, but some understanding and kindness goes a long way and only encourages us to want to do better. Negativity and criticism helps no one.

[monsterchild]

She sounds likeone of those people who believes that biology is everything. sadly my fm is the sameway, only she thinks I should not have to parent my dsd.
I

[clam]

"sorry if you took what I said the wrong way,"

Ah, that old "sounds like an apology because it's got the word sorry in it, but actually isn't one." HATE that. Anyway, you didn't "take it the wrong way," she was rude and interfering and you therefore took it the 'right' way.

Your dp needs to deal with this now - as in saying to her, "fooso and I parent the dds as a united front. It's really not necessary for you to interfere worry. We have their best interests at heart. now butt out. "

[NotaDisneyMum]

Try and get hold of a copy of Stepmonster by Wednesday Martin - it explains in detail why a lot of stepmums/second wives struggle with their relationship with their inlaws.
Funnily enough, the lower the inlaws opinion of their DGC mum, the harder it can be for their stepmum to be accepted - which seems bonkers to me, but is certainly my experience.

[brdgrl]

Ah, she doesn't have a problem with you and 'your' family member arranging a treat for the girl in the first place, but when you discipline by taking that away, it's a problem! Sigh.

I think maybe you should say something directly to her next time you see her...don't leave it to fester, and don't leave it all to your DH. You don't have to use emotive phrases ('like a mother to them' - some people will have a knee-jerk reaction upon hearing that, I'm afraid). I'd say something like "Thank you for your letter. I'm sorry to hear that you're still upset about the incident. I'm sure you can appreciate that DH and I have rules and expectations in our home, and we've agreed on ways of disciplining and encouraging the children. Now! I've no hard feelings, so let's put this behind us." With a cheery smile that makes it clear that 'no hard feelings' really means 'don't try it again.'

[Fooso]

Thanks Brdgrl I know you're right - I should just rise above it... I will try and take your advice...:)

[DharmaBumpkin]

brdgrl that phrasing is brilliant :)

[brdgrl]

aw, thanks dharma. No MIL here, but I have been practicing on other difficult relatives... :)

[ProbablyJustGas]

Hey, nothing helpful to add here, but wanted you to know you're not the only one dealing with snotty in-laws! Got officially brushed off by DMIL last night when I backed DH up during his request for DSD to have a better-enforced bedtime when she stays at her grandparents' place, and not be allowed stay up watching movies with her older cousin until ~10pm. According my MIL, I am "only" the SM, will "understand when I have my own kids someday", am am apparently firm about rules/boundaries/bedtimes with DSD just for fun! And when I have my own children I will never want to make them cry and will only want to make them smile, and will therefore let them rule the roost and generally act like brats. Because hey, that's what love is.

[theredhen]

purplejustgas - I am a Mother and can assure you that I don't feel like that at all! In fact, I am far, far more worried about DSC reaction to tellings off and discipline than to my own childs reaction.

Yes, I love him and don't want to see him upset, but one of the most important parts of being a parent to me is to to teach right and wrong and also in your case, to ensure he is not tired and grumpy the next day by staying up til all hours just because he "wants to"!

[ProbablyJustGas]

Thanks. :) Good to hear! I know step-parenting is different from raising your own, but DSD is with us too often for me to avoid being responsible. Was just ... very highly insulted that MIL suggested I didn't know what I was talking about. Or that I would be much softer with my own kids (highly unlikely, now that I know better what kids are capable of when they try to get their way!).

[achillea]

Just going by your OP, I think you were being a bit extreme to go from one sanction straight to another one that is much more severe and I can understand why GM felt a bit upset for GD.

It's very important that you get on with GM, so try and make amends before it festers any more. It seems she has tried to do that by writing a letter to you.

[Fooso]

Achillea there was no second sanction - just the one... you must've misread my original post - ... Her letter was certainly not making amends.

[Fooso]

by the way it was 10pm and it was time for bed...

[crazyhead]

I'd try to forget it this time, but I'd make it clear with my husband that if it ever, ever happened again, he'd need to come down like a ton of bricks on your MIL about it, and make it crystal clear that she had no right whatsoever to interfere.

It is horrible to you, but also extremely disrespectful to your husband, who one imagines is quite old enough to sort his own family relationships out!