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Step-parenting

DSS behaviour undermining rules for DD!

62 replies

NotaDisneyMum · 12/08/2012 16:15

I hate these long, two week blocks of contact - urgh!

DSS is slowly reverting to his 'learned helplessness' state - he's been here a week and it's obviously a lot of effort to have to think like a 9 year old here. I reduced him to tears a couple of days ago by explaining that he was quite capable of taking responsibility for his own library card - he's terrified of the independence!

His behaviour had deteriorated - and he's begin to exhibit behaviours we thought we had made some progress on - table manners have gone out the window again, he's resumed the gormless standing in the middle of a room waiting to be directed to breathe and he's begun eavesdropping, interrupting and trying to see/read paperwork etc that adults (not just me and DP) are reading!

This is where the problem with DD lies. Currently, she is only allowed to use her Smartphone in family areas of the house, (because her Dad bought her an unlimited data bundle and I want to be able to supervise her Internet access).
DSS openly looks over her shoulder and reads texts she sends to and receives from her Dad. Understandably, this pisses her off!
I've told her that she can say something if he's intruding - but she hates conflict, so simmers quietly under the surface and I'm afraid she's going to blow up one day!
DP and I keep telling DSS but it's just not getting through and I'm already the WSM for expecting him to behave appropriately for his age; asking him to think before he speaks, to help out with household things he doesn't enjoy etc.

Just a vent really - it is unrealistic to suddenly expect a family to gel for 2 weeks when the rest of the year they only spend 2 days a week together!

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notsonambysm · 12/08/2012 16:21

Firstly a giant "argggghhhhhh FFS!" on your behalf. and secondly, I have never understood why it is considered sufficient for one or two days a week to be spent all year, then suddenly two weeks are required over summer. Who does this benefit!?

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GinandChocolate · 12/08/2012 16:57

You don't sound as though you like poor DSS much. He is a 9 year old child FGS.

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NotaDisneyMum · 12/08/2012 17:02

I get frustrated with him in the same way as I do my DD on occasion - don't all parents? Blush

The difference is, I have very limited influence over the skills and lessons that DSS is being taught, and yet he is a member of my family, too.

Like a lot of SM's, I struggle with that sometimes - and MN is a safe place to vent Grin

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SonnySpain · 12/08/2012 17:09

Hmm, it's a difficult one. I have a dsd and our rules and expectations are different here than at home. It isn't the big things - we have always pretty much been on the same page as her mum and tried to all parent together and not undermine one another. It is the smaller things, the tone of voice that I find unacceptable, her mum may let go, the expectation that she take responsibility for her own things ( eg carry her own bag) when her mum would see no issue in carrying it for her. They build up and can cause resentment.
Dsd is older now and these things aren't as evident but at the time, I tried to remember that she some of the things I wanted to tell her off about, would be perfectly acceptable at home. It wasn't always easy. I did, however, explain that certain things were not acceptable in our house but that I understood that mum may have slightly different rules. We had the advantage that her mum always had the same message and dsd came to understand the differences in her two homes. It took a long time though.
One thing I would say though is choose your battles, I sometimes caught myself getting irritated over something relatively minor and had to question myself as to whether the lecture was worth it. I do know it isn't easy though. Give him leeway where you can but don't compromise your morals and you'll get there.

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Krumbum · 12/08/2012 17:12

Why doesn't your dp just do things with his son? Then you don't have to be involved.

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MaryHansack · 12/08/2012 17:14

what struck me is your term 'I reduced him to tears' - correct me if I am wrong but there's a sense of pleasure there.
Poor kid, it was about a library card?

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MaryHansack · 12/08/2012 17:15

you also describe him as 'gormless'?

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NotaDisneyMum · 12/08/2012 17:31

Yup. He stands in the middle of a room looking vacantly around and oblivious to what is going on unless someone gets down to his level and gives him direct instructions - "get a bowl out of the cupboard, find the cereal in the box, put cereal in the bowl, then get the milk from the fridge and pour some on".

Gormless!

It's how I used to describe my DD when she did the same thing - is it wrong?

As for making him cry - no, I didn't enjoy it; i was astounded whwn his bottom lip started to wobble and the tears started to flow when i simply asked where are you going to keep your library card safe in your room?

I'm used to DCs who welcome responsibility and trust as they get older and battle for it on occasion - the tears were evidence to me that DSS is not displaying typical DC behaviour for his age - which helps when I am feeling so incapable and a failure.

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allnewtaketwo · 12/08/2012 17:35

Krumbum why wouldnt the OP be involved in being there at mealtimes for example, or on her own front room Confused

Different expectations in 2 homes makes things so difficult. Sympathies OP. the table manners aspect I used to really struggle with. I gave up in the end with trying to encourage use of knives and forks and used to go elsewhere at mealtimes. This clearly isn't possible with your own child there though. Sorry no particular advice

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Losingitall · 12/08/2012 17:39

You know what- he sounds like a visitor not a member of the family. He sounds very uncomfy in the environment!

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NotaDisneyMum · 12/08/2012 17:40

allnew sometimes the idea of leaving DP to it and just focusing on me and DD when DSS is here is very appealing - but I think he'd be hurt and upset if I did nothing more than acknowledge his existence in our home. Sad

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NotaDisneyMum · 12/08/2012 17:42

losing x-post

What do you suggest? How can I make him more welcome? Treating him in the same way as my DD isn't the best thing, then?

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RandomMess · 12/08/2012 17:45

I find "babied" dc hard work too and ones who want to hang around with the adults all the time and never amuse themselves - that includes when it's my dc being like that!

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Petal02 · 12/08/2012 17:55

NADM, just wanted to send you some moral support - I'd be admitted to the Funny Farm if I had to spend two weeks with DSS.

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NotaDisneyMum · 12/08/2012 18:03

I'm thinking of suggesting that DP try and renegotiate with his ex for next summer - three one week blocks would be far easier for everyone than the 2 week/1week periods in the CO!

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Krumbum · 12/08/2012 18:06

It's not up to you how his son acts. Unless he is harming you. I'd never tell my best friends child how to act, same thing. His mum is the main care giver so it is important for stability that you Carry on with the way she raises her child. Don't put him in a position of feeling unwelcome in his dads house.

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NotaDisneyMum · 12/08/2012 18:12

What do you suggest then, krumbum?

At the moment, we live as a family - DSS and DD are playing outside together, DP is in the shower and I'm MN working in the conservatory.
Should I ensure that DP is always around to supervise his DS - if I have no responsible role in DSS life, I'm not going to be able to intervene if the DCs fall out, or DSS torments the dog, puts sand in the pond, digs up the veg.

As I said, the idea of leaving DSS entirely to his Dad is very appealing - but I wonder how it would impact on his relationship with me?

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Krumbum · 12/08/2012 18:14

Just how you would a friends child. Obviously intervene if they fight but no need To give him actual punishments, just remind him what he should be doing/find fun things for them to do.

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allnewtaketwo · 12/08/2012 18:33

Krumbum, the OP has another child on her home. Treating them differently and having one set of rules for one and a different set of rules for the other would be a very bad idea for both of the children.

As for nothing he does being anything to do with the OP unless he harms her Hmm. What a load of nonsense FGS. It's her home. It's very much my business whaty DSSs do when they're here. Teaching children that they can ignore the wishes of any adults home they're in is creating a whole set of problems. For them as much as anyone else.

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NotaDisneyMum · 12/08/2012 18:35

Do you think that trying to integrate him into a 'normal household routine' is unrealistic, krum?

At the moment, neither DP or I are available for wall-to-wall activities and entertainment, we do leave him to his own devices to entertain himself, just like his mum does - and to muck in with the household too; he has chores he is asked to do and things he is expected to do independently (brush teeth etc), but he doesn't have to do anything like that at his mums.

If I understand you right, you're saying because he's not in either home full time, neither will be able to implement rules/expectations unless the other does as well?

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taxiforme · 12/08/2012 18:50

I can only lend my support to NADM.

I feel like this constantly and I dont even have any kids of my own.

I cannot parent my DSC like their mother. Not for this post but I am not able to be that person she is. Cold, closed, unemotional, and bordering on disabled by neurosis.

As for the "gormlessness" and being unable to function without specific guidance, this sounds JUST like my 12 YO DSS. I think you need to speak to Dp and get him assessed for communication problems /aspergers/autism.

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Krumbum · 12/08/2012 18:56

If you dp thinks it is an issue. Can he speak to dss mum? Find out the normal routine.

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NotaDisneyMum · 12/08/2012 19:03

krum what do you mean by 'normal routine' though?
We know that DSS isn't expected to do any chores, prepare his own breakfast, wash independently etc.

As for eavesdropping/snooping/reading over shoulders - when his mum catches him she tells at him, when his sister catches him, she thumps him and his other primary carer (his grandma) doesn't notice due to her age and disabilities.

If I'm right in my understanding, your solution is that DP should just yell at DSS when he sees him reading DDs texts next time, do you think that's the best solution?

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NotaDisneyMum · 12/08/2012 19:03

*yells at him - damn autocorrect!

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Krumbum · 12/08/2012 19:07

That is weird that he does that but seems like he does it whoever tells him not to. Maybe not letting him look at the phones would get him out the habit. Does he have any learning difficulties? He sounds like he doesn't understand conventions much.

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