Tough one... Advice appreciated

[wrinklyraisin]

My dsd is 8, and lives with her mum much of the week. It's the summer holidays here now. We just had a lovely 2 week vacation with dsd, during which we put a LOT of effort into encouraging her to eat more fruits/veg and improve her manners and self esteem/personal care. Her mum is, for want of a better word, lazy in all these areas and doesn't put any effort into teaching or encouraging healthy habits. Dsd throws epic tantrums with her about everything so she's just given up trying. My partner, her dad, is often the only parent encouraging regular baths/teeth cleaning etc. I also spend a lot of time cooking with her to encourage healthy eating etc. ... Anyhoo dsd went back to her mums house on Monday night, freshly bathed and well fed. Fast forward to last night when she came to us again. Hair a mess, no bath or wash since Monday, told us her mum stayed asleep until 2pm and the only foods she's eaten are snack foods as her mum hasn't got bread or fruit or yogurts in the house. WTF??!!! I am so cross. This little girl is sooooo anxious about something, she needs the toilet every 15 minutes. She's already seeing a therapist. Her own mother has had 2 weeks "off" and in 3 days has slept most of the day, not cleaned or fed her child, basically ignored her. Yet she's on fb all the time all happy and chatty with her fb world friends. She's claimed depression in the past. I don't think she is depressed though as she has plenty of energy/enthusiasm to pursue her own interests. She just doesn't put anything of this energy into her daughter. We (my partner and I) cannot go for full custody. This is the USA where mothers have all the legal rights and fathers are screwed over. He tries so hard to do the right thing. It's terribly upsetting seeing him get so stressed and upset. But we can't do anything. She gets 30% of his gross pay. I don't see any decent clothes (he buys her a complete wardrobe to keep at our house) or healthy foods being purchased out of this. We have no rights or ability to question or dictate where the most insubstantial amount of money goes. Her breakfast yesterday was Oreo cookies and two capri sun juice pouches. Lunch was more Oreos and lots of water as the juice was gone. Dsd insists she tried to wake her mum but was told to go away and play in her room. We fed her a big roast chicken dinner, dessert, took her to the park for a run around. She will probably spend all day today in her room. It breaks my heart. Ugh. I never knew being a stepmother would be so hard.

[wrinklyraisin]

*NOT UNSUBSTANTIAL not most insubstantial. Stupid iPhone.

[Lala1980]

I don't have much to offer more than support. We are in the same boat.
So sad to see lovely children unloved, unsupported and not thriving.
Cannot afford to go for custody but courts seem to favour the mother even if she is seemingly unfit.
We do our best to enocurage good hygiene, healthy eating and manners 2 days out of 14.
Wish CSA money and benefits could be given in the form of vouchers for healthy food, clothes etc... so that they have to be spent on the children not on mother's habits...

[FireOverBabylon]

What is the US equivalent of Social Services like? your DH may be "screwed over" but if the child is removed, following a phone call or tip-off, from a mother you doesn't feed, wash or interact with her child, I would have thought the child's other birth parent would have been given custody, no?

Get your DH on the phone to SS with clear concise examples of what is going wrong here. his child should not be alone until 2pm every day because her mother's asleep and there's no childcare in place, and then ignored.

[Lala1980]

Agreed Fire - that constitutes neglect...

[StaceymReadyForNumber3]

This makes me for your poor DSD unfortunately I have no advice I have the opposite problem where my kids get fed rubbish/not taken out/not made to have good manners at their dads, thankfully it's only 2/14 for me. Must be much harder the other way round!

[wrinklyraisin]

It does, common sense wise, constitute neglect. But the law here is different to the uk and so much more time consuming and money hemorrhaging paperwork needs to be done. And still most courts rule in favor of (unfit) mothers. It's awful. We are starting a process of recording/documenting things. But it's not serious enough abuse to remove the child apparently. We have her 2 evenings a week plus every other weekend. We do what we can. The mother has all the rights though despite what we see as neglect going on! Unbelievable system here.

Thanks for your support though. I have to be strong/steady for my heart broken partner. I don't have much support for myself as I am a "nobody" in the eyes of the law.

[wrinklyraisin]

Oh and do you want to hear something ridiculous?! We sought advice and the response "the child has access to food and running water, and an adult of legal age was in the apartment." therefore we have no legal recourse for events like yesterday or any other days when dsd has to fend for herself! Insane.

[taxiforme]

Again, no advice, just sympathy and to know where you are coming from.
In the UK taking a child into care or removing it from the RP is a huge step. Is the child happy though, despite all this?

My DSC arrived last night, starving. All they seem to get at home is white food. Pasta and cheese, or pasta in soup. Mum too busy as she is going to the gym.

[Lala1980]

That's terrible. At least my Dp's ex pops down and makes the kids a pot noodle before going back to bed with her toyboy...

[wrinklyraisin]

My dsd has an attachment disorder. No doubt where that originates. She has a "nervous bladder". She is very very competent on the wii, she's very smart too. But lazy and immature. Throws tantrums a lot. But on the positive side she is gentle and loving with younger children. She hugs me and her dad a lot. She is caring. It's just terrible watching this young lady-to-be developing issues that are wholly unnecessary iyswim?!

[ladydeedy]

How terribly sad. When she gets back to education after the holidays, can you raise any concerns with the teaching staff? Do they have a support system in place where your DSD can talk? They may have some ability to influence the mother?

[wrinklyraisin]

My dsd is moving to a new school and will be living very close to her maternal grandparents who are, ironically, awesome people. She will have lots more adult interaction. Her mother will have less of a role iyswim? I'm hoping the school will have in place what her old school had: a daily tick sheet of goals and achievements to boost her self esteem/confidence/productivity. Aso weekly counseling based on cbt to introduce/encourage better self control in stressful situations. My partner and I follow a simple consistent set of rules/routine at our house that has proved to be invaluable in getting her behavior under control with us, and her diet/sleep/exercise is hugely improved. But we cannot control what happens at her mums so sometimes all this hard work seems pointless when it is undone in 3 days. But I know in my heart that my dsd NEEDS us to carry on and invest all this energy into helping her. I hope it pays off and results in a more secure and happy young lady. I simply can't wrap my head around the extent to which the mother seems to NOT care. This child is precious. Yes kids are bloody hard work. I'm a nanny and I have never experienced this before in my line of work. Even the busiest of mums has CARED for her child. This mother does the very bare minimum. It's so sad. :(

[taxiforme]

wrinkly you are describing my DSD2!

Thanks lala..funny, that..noodles and pasta, no time to cook and trips to the gym..spot the cougar exes.

[wrinklyraisin]

It's so tough. I swore to myself I Would Not Judge when my partner and I got serious enough to move in together. But it's really hard NOT to judge isn't it?! My partner is so stressed/upset ATM he's even said hes not sure he wants more kids :( I am devastated. He's an amazing father. I want babies with him. But I understand how he's feeling. His daughter takes up so much emotional time/energy. He does understand this is NOT normal because he's not seen a healthy mother/child relationship iyswim?

My dsd keeps asking for a baby brother or sister. She says she wants to not be alone in the family. I could (and have) weep for her. She deserves so much more than her mother is giving her. It's not right yet there's very very little we can do in reality. My partner and I are hoping to marry in the next year or so. He's put off marriage after his ex put him through the wringer, so I'm having to work hard to show I am not his ex. He lives me and I him. We both love "us" and that includes his daughter. I would be happy (delighted in fact) for his daughter to come live with us. It's very very unlikely to happen though.

[taxiforme]

wrinkly you sound just lovely. He is lucky to have you. Keep on being you, don't get lost in all this SM thing and lose YOURSELF and your dreams. My DH did not want any more and I am now too old to have kids, I speak from experience. It sounds positive about what might happen with grandparents though.

However, we are where we are in all this. His Ex is your DSD's mommy. Just make the time that you have with her the best it can be.

Don't over think, dont let it take over what seems to be a supportive relationship. My DH went through hell with his exW and like I said, we still have moments like yours with the care of the kids and he was married 15 years. However he says, constantly, that this is his life, his NEW life.

Warm smiles and kind hearts will prevail!

[NaturalNatures]

I had this problem but the other way round, where my ex's family had no decent food available for my ds, clothes going missing, accidents with dangerous tools lying around etc.

It's so heart breaking that these children have to go through this.

How easy is it to talk to the mum? Could you try to befreind her so you can help your DSD through the times she's at her mothers home? That way you could ensure there's food available and maybe encourage the mother to start engaging with your DSD a bit more?