should a stepmum attend school events?

[dirtyprojectors]

DSD starts school next term. Her mum hates me . DP avoids his ex as much as he possibly can as their relationship is still dreadful and i can't see it ever improving. Contact had to be got through a court order. I've been with DP for almost 2 years, slowly got to know DSD over past 18 months and she now stays weekends so knows me well. I'm very restrained, haven't even done the mummy stuff like baking together yet as i'm so worried about her Mum kicking off and making DSD feel bad.
Should i ever go to any school events? My thought was some events like whole school plays might be ok as there will be so many people around but anything smaller is asking for trouble- at least at this early stage.

[CrapBag]

I'm not a step parent but as a mum, I would hate to think of another woman being any way involved with my childrens school. Sorry.

[planetpotty]

I think no to parents evening decision making stuff but yes to things like nativity if DH is going - as a step mum you're in their lives and important to them. Be respectful but don't feel you're banned from the school or anything

[mdoodledoo]

My relationship with DH's Ex is OK/good and I go to school events - she's even pulled a few strings to get hold of spare tickets for plays etc for me in the past too (tickets are limited to a basic allocation of 2 per child and there are 3 of us who want to go). I go to sports day, drop the kids off, pick them up, help with their homework on the weekend's they're with us etc etc etc. All v involved. But - I feel awkward about parents evening and don't think I should go. My DH doesn't share that view and thinks I should feel able to go if I want - but I don't.

In terms of the potential for mum's to hate us being involved - the reality is that we are involved in their children's lives and if we were to be excluded from school stuff then that would be odd for the kids wouldn't it? I couldn't go to sports day this year because of work stuff and I was bombarded with questions from the kids about why not.

This Step-parenting forum is on the MN site under the 'Being a Parent' section - if we're in the children's lives in a parental role then they may well want to share these important events with us. If it's important to the kids then we have to seriously consider making it important to us too. Well - that's what I think anyway.

[HecateHarshPants]

In an ideal world (stress ideal world I know there are to put it mildly many less than ideal situations!), all adults involved with the care of a child should be a full part of that child's life (attending plays etc, showing them they're proud of them, enjoying watching their achievements, cheering them on in the races at sports day, etc), but if her mother is against that for whatever reason, then you have to think how you going might affect the child, particularly if her mother gets cross or upset there in the school, and show her that you care about her, are interested and support her in other ways - eg getting her to perform her part for you in the living room, so you can clap and enthuse.

[exoticfruits]

The luckiest child that I taught had both parents and both step parents, together at all events. It is such a shame that parents can't put the child first. As she hates you then I don't think you can, except where it is something like a play when you can just make sure that you go on a different night.
As you are there for the long term there is no rush DSD will want you at things in the future-e.g. if she gets married of course you would go-the mother will just have to get used to it eventually.
You just have to take it slowly-as in Hecate's advice.

[BigHairyLeggedSpider]

I go to plays, nativitys etc, but I dont go to parents evenings, more though the logistics of getting their than anything else, though I do prime dp with questions before he goes. Maybe as a consequence the dss's tell me more about their school lives and concerns about school than they do dad and mum. I then feed anything worrying back to their parents. Think they like the idea of a non-involved but equally as caring parental figure because then they can bounce stuff off me.

[seeker]

Ds's friend has mother, father, step father and step mother at school plays and things. And mother, father and step father at parents' evenings ( step mother doesn't go because father is the non resident parent so she doesn't actually know a lot of what goes on at school) and teachers are wiereded out enough by 3 parents- not sure what 4 would do to them!

[NiceViper]

I've seen just about every permutation of joint/solo/staggered attendance you can think of.

As you are worried about DSD's mother kicking off, then I think you are right to be cautious, for it could lead to so much hurt and embarrassment for DSD. But I also think that showing your interest in her life means it's worth trying some involvement. So I think beginning with bigger events, where people mill around or sit at random (like sports days or whole year concerts and plays) might be a good way to start. Then you can decide in light of experience what to do about other events.

[dirtyprojectors]

thanks for the replies so far. When i say kicking off, i doubt she would in public- though you never know, but going by prior behaviour she is highly likely to kick off at home and also to DP. I just don't want to make things harder for DSD who already has to deal with too much . I'm not interested in parents evening at the moment , seems a step too far just yet. I guess i shall start with something like the nativity and leave the rest for now. If the nativity seems too much this year (or next) i'll take up the good suggestion to get DSD to act her part at home with me and her dad, seems a good compromise for now. Hopefully when DSD gets older things will improve a bit.

[exoticfruits]

Teachers are not 'weirded out' by it. It seemed very sensible to have the 4 adults in the child's life there together rather than having to do the same thing twice. My only observation was that it was unusual and he was a very lucky, well balanced DC, who didn't have to divide loyalties.
I think that you are doing the right thing, start small, build up your relationship and it will be much easier when she gets older.

[SoupDragon]

Given the mother hates you, no I don't think you should attend.

[WaitingForMe]

Teachers are not weirded out at all! If one was I'd be speaking to the head about their difficulty with the reality of life!

I attend parents evening because I'm in my stepsons lives BUT for a long time I made requests to their mother. She genuinely puts her kids first so sees it as important I know what's going on as I do things like help them with homework.

I wouldn't push for it if she didn't want me there. I think the way a stepparent puts the child first is by building trust with the ex. I showed that I cared about the kids and that I supported HER.

[NoMoreRoom]

I would say it's OK but would perhaps wait for DSD to invite you. Or if she talks about a play ask her if she'd like you to come - because you'd love to see her. Of course if your DP goes it's fine to go with him.

I actually go to everything my DSS' are involved in - sometimes instead of DH if work gets in his way! (he owns his company so it's not often btw).

DSS1 lives with us, DSS2 does 50:50. DS & DSS 1 &2 all go to the same village primary. I pick DSS2 up with the other 2 on a Friday and drop them all off on a Monday so I am involved in his school, they also know me because of DS. I attend class plays, parents evenings etc. DS and DSS1 are the same year and same class at school because it's 1 form entry.

I/We just make sure lines of communications are always open. For example school reports came home last week. We get a copy of all 3 boys and DSS' mum gets a copy of both her boys.

This week was end of year parents evening. I have DD (5 weeks) and 14 month old twin DS'. I am not up to doing parents evening. DH went with his DXW and they saw their boys teachers. The teacher then moved onto discussing DS and his DXW suddenly said - 'oh I think I should wait outside'. My DH just laughed and said I wouldn't mind and that she probably knew it all anyway from their boys! (she did go out btw!)

Sorry, the whole post comes across about me and my situation but what I wanted to show is it can work. We are lucky enough to have truely blended - we work as a team of 3 people (actually we're expanding as she now has a DP with a DD the same age as the 2 oldest boys!).

We just work on a best for the children, who can be there for them bases as oppossed to who it is that actually attends. A few weeks ago I couldn't move (post birth!) DH had to go away for the night (business/ large contract I didn't want the family to lose the money) so my DFather attended the boys assembly. All 3 boys were fine with that - they all love him and to them all he's grandad.

As I'm the one on maternity and DH, DXW and her DP work so most daytime things I do.

I agree 100% with exotic It is a shame when people don't see the benefits of all the parents just the negatives and one up manship.

[NotaDisneyMum]

DP and I work on the principle that if the event is a showcase, giving the DCs the opportunity to perform, or share an aspect of their school life with the important adults in their lives, then it is reasonable for me to attend.
If it is an event or meeting designed to inform and/or engage with parents about the DCs education, then that is more appropriately limited to parents only.

Another way of looking at it is would it be appropriate for extended family to attend? If grandparents, aunts etc would be welcome then that equally applies to a step-parent.

Sadly, my ex and his partner don't agree and my DD has had three parents involved in her new school selection and induction

[Alurkatsoftplay]

I have a good relationship with my sons stepmum, but I wouldn't be thrilled if she started turning up at school events. I would see it as overstepping unless it was a big public thing, sports day for example. Our schools are also crowded so sometimes we are lucky to get two places never mind four...

[starfishmummy]

No to parents evening type things. For concerts and plays I would say that if it is an open " invitation" then fine, but where there are limited numbers the Mum gets the ticket.
Of course if she hates you whatever you do will be wrong

[exoticfruits]

You only have to put yourself in the place of the child - if it was me I would love it if everyone could just go to the school play on the same night - imagine the anxiety if you know that mother is going to be upset, or the sadness that stepmother has seen you practise and knows all about it but doesn't feel able to see your moment on stage.
It is a time for adults to put the child first. They don't have to be bosom pals but they should be able to cope with being in the same hall for an hour and saying 'hello' even if they go no further.
After all, as step mother you will be involved for life, at the wedding, grandparent to future DCs etc.
Teachers are well used to all combinations of parents- from all 4 to the not speaking ones- they are not weirded out by anything- just glad when parents are adult enough to put the child first.

[wishiwasonholiday]

It depends too if numbers are limited, we could only get 2 tickets each for nativities and assemblies etc do I don't think you should go if space is limited.

Maybe sports days etc if dsd wants you there but I too would hate the thought of another woman attending events especially if i hated her but it's about dsd not mum.

[exoticfruits]

If there are limited numbers then of course mother goes first.

[limetimemummy]

I'm the resident parent, dd is 6. My exH (dd father) refuses to attend parents evening jointly with me on the basis of "we are not together I refuse to do anything jointly with you" Personally I'm happy enough to do a joint meeting to save the teacher having to repeat themselves...and I'm expecting interesting things when we get to choosing Senior Schools!!

At the first parents evening when dd started school, he made his own appt and brought along his then new girlfriend/now wife and told the school he wouldnt attend the evening without her being present. The school were put in a difficult position and ended up allowing both of them to take part in parents evening because they deemed it more important for DD's dad to have an update than exclude the girlfriend. I was informed of this by the school the following day.

Since then I've not had the choice to be able to state that she does/doesn't attend at parents evening (that said, I dont even know if he has even attended or just relied on email updates with school because he refuses to discuss anything with me)

re concerts/assembly etc..school have taken on board the fact that some families are not limited to 2 adults and that more tickets/spaces need to be available so I've not yet had to deal with the "limited to 2 tickets" scenario

[ohchristFENTON]

With the situation as it is now I would say definitely no, don't go, but that doesn't mean it should never be able to happen, it might seem unlikely now but things might improve.

[marge2]

I'd say you'd be bloody lucky to get a ticket to plays etc. At our school it's strictly 2 tickets per child, and they have to do at least two nights for everything as the hall is so tiny. So even poor grannie can't get in unless DH or I can't go.

I am a SM, the kids live 90 minutes away - all pretty much grown up now. I did go to one of DSS's parents evening once, but I think it was a bit pointless as I had no day to day care over the kids. I went to hold DH's hand really. The teacher was fine with me being there. I did make it to some of the school shows, as their school hall was big enough. We didn't go onthe same night as their Mum. DH and her don't get on all that well, but she and I have no beef with each other as she had left him before DH and I met.

Now I am a Mum too, I would not like to think of anyone else apart from DH going to parents evenings. I would have no issue with shows tough.

[McKayz]

If you got on then yes the plays and summer fêtes etc would be fine but maybe not parents evening.

My DH came to DS1's nativity and XH went a different day. If/when XH finds a new partner then if she wants to go to nativity or summer play then that's fine with me. But I do think parents evening should be just XH and myself.

[purpleroses]

I go to plays, etc (but not parents evenings), as long as there are enough tickets. Usually there are because the school sends the tickets home with DSC - DP's ex nicks them both, and DP then phones the school pointing out that as he pays the school fees, can he please have some tickets? The school are appologetic and send some more tickets home with the DSC.

If possible DP and I attend on another night from his ex and her DP - but that's mainly because it's nice for the kids to have someone for them in the audience each night, rather than because we are avoiding each other.

I wouldn't go to parents evenings unless DP really wanted me to - better he goes with his ex and feeds back what they say to me afterwards if we want to discuss anything.

[TheOneWithTheHair]

I would have loved it if ds's stepmum had come to school events like sports day, school plays, assemblies etc. Then xh might have shown an interest.

Ds's stepmum is an absolute gem who has taken ds on as hers whenever he sees them. Unfortunately despite mine and her best efforts ds is now old enough to realise that he is not a high priority for xh.

I'd say go for it if it's a family event but maybe not parents evening. It's more important that dsd knows you are there than upsetting her mum.