Moving away - advice for making it work

[SarahOxford]

We?re in the process of selling our house and moving 200 miles away from my dss. It?s sort of not moving away so much as moving back home but it?s complicated.
Short story ? I?d love some advice/experiences of making long distance relationships work between children and non-resident parent, step-parent and half-sibling.

(Really!)Long/back story - I met dh here whilst at uni and bizarrely it turned out we were born within 10 miles of each other 200 miles away from where we met. He had split with ex 6 months previously when their ds was 1. We got together, bought a flat, I got a job, had great access routines, all was good. Then the recession hit, my dh was made redundant and we had to move. His job is very specialist, he can?t just get any old job. He had interviews all over and several offers but all were 200+ miles away. The one he chose was close to where we were both from, where my parents live, where dh?s grandma lives, where all my friends are. So we moved when dss was 4. There was just me and dh, I was starting a business so flexible and dh negotiated a flex arrangement with his new job. So our access then was fortnightly Fri from school to Monday at school, plus a week at xmas/easter hols and 2 over summer hols. This fortnightly contact took place at my dh?s mum?s house who lived near to dss. The holidays were with us.
It all worked really well (except for mil problems ? but that?s a different post and not related to step-parenting!) until my in-laws got divorced. All of a sudden the big house where dss had his own room and had known since birth was up for sale and we had nowhere to have contact with dss. We had our ds by then (when dss was 6) and made the drastic decision that if relationships were to blossom between the brothers and meaningful contact continue then we?d have to move close to dss.
We?ve now been here 3.5 years, see dss every weekend for 2 nights, the brothers have a normal sibling type relationship (i.e. love each other but bicker) and dh works from home two days a week and travels early morning and late nights to be at the office 3 days a week. I can?t lie, it?s really hard for us (dh and me), but it?s also great that we get to have normal family leave with dss.
Now, however, it?s all got to change. DH has to be in the office 5 days a week as he has to take on more responsibility (not more money though!) and so we have to move close to his work.
We?ve said we?ll continue weekly visits (unlike before when we lived away) at dh?s mums new flat. It?s not ideal. MIL will pick dss up from school, dh will be there by about 6 ish fri then leave 10am ish Sunday. Every week. MIL lives about 45 mins drive from dss now.
There are several difficult areas of this arrangement and we?re trying to think of ways to make it work ;

1. We can?t expect our ds (4) to travel that distance every weekend ? so how do we maintain their relationship with seeing each other say 1 w/e a month?
   
2. My dh thinks the new arrangement will be kind of good for dss as rather than real family life of going to supermarket, doing chores, sharing time with ds etc. dh and dss can ?do things?, go cycling, play football, go hiking etc. ? I agree to an extent, I?m often the one complaining that it?s all work no play in our household, but is this ?healthy? to be the only kind of father/son time they have?
   
3. This arrangement means my dh will only see our ds Sunday afternoons for ?quality? time, so when will they go cycling, play football etc?..?
   
4. I?m worried about stifling dss?s social life; what if he wants to see his mates. I don?t want him to feel like he can?t do things because he has to go see his dad.
   
5. We?re wondering if it would be better to go back to the old fortnightly routine and gradually moving towards this? Partly because of 3 and 4 but also because dh is exhausted from the 700 miles a week, plus full time job, plus parenting.
   
6. How to do the ?parenting? from such a distance and in someone else?s house?
   
7. How to make sure he doesn?t feel abandoned, again? (I don?t think this is a biggy, he?s a really laid back kid with not even an ounce of resentment in him, except a healthy dose of sibling jealousy)
   Oh god I?m sure there are a million other points I?m concerned about, and probably some I haven?t considered yet. I guess I?m just asking for advice on what could help it work. Any experiences people could share.
   DH and dss have started to chat/play games on xbox live which is great, but we get the feeling dss would prefer it if he could just chat to his mates on there instead!
   Thanks everyone in advance. We?re really keen on making this work as the blended family thing has worked really well these past 3 years and we really don?t want to ruin it. Needs must though.

[Smum99]

Oh, very difficult, not sure I can bring good news. We've had this as ex moved dss away and we've tried a variety of ways to make it work. It hasn't been easy at all, when dh did the travel and based himself with DSS for the weekend I found it challenging as effectively I was a solo parent. Realistically as your son gets older he will have activities/parties etc that will stop him travelling at the weekends. This can have a massive impact on your relationship as dh was never available for our family situations. How would you handle birthdays or events that you want to go to as a couple? I'm not sure it's sustainable if you are always apart for the weekends.

We did ultimately move to be as close to dss as we could and DH then has a long commute to work. Ideally we would do what you are doing and move back to where we all lived as it would make it easier for jobs, family, schools etc but DSS would be too far away and as he has troubles at home I'm grateful that we are as close as we can be.

[Ratbagcatbag]

I'm not sure it would work being separated families on weekends, wouldn't it be easier if your DH stayed in the week at his MIL's for commuting purposes and then collected your DSS after work and came home with him?

[chelen]

Hi, I hear what you are saying that work is the driver here, and that is so hard, but I don't have many positive things to say about a long distance parenting relationship (my DSS' mum is based a long distance away for work).

Is there no way your DH could commute to work weekly and the family home remain based close to your DSS?

There are three points in your OP I want to pick up on, and I am sorry not to respond more positively, but if I am being honest:

a) It is not going to be easy on the kids to be unable to see each other as much as currently, how can they grow up as brothers without the same level of contact? It isn;t the amount of contact per se, but they will never be in the same locale at the same time, so how will they have shared experiences?

b) Your DH is wrong in thinking that playing xbox/having 1-1 time is desirable - this is not a proper parenting/family relationship and it would be much more normal if he could continue seeing DSS in normal family setting;

c) The fact your DSS has been laid back to this point does not mean he will be fine with this change, it is pretty massive and your DSS is now at an age where he will process/think thru changes so much more.

Basically instead of your DH having one family, he will have to split his time between two families and the risk (and of course, it is only a risk, but I think you have to seriously consider it) is that both kids feel resentful and no-one gets any kind of normal family life. Both the kids will know that the reason their Dad is at the other location is to see the other child - so there is a potential for real resentment to build up.

I nearly didn't post because I knew I would sound so negative. I hope whatever you decide works out for your family.

[SarahOxford]

Thanks for the replies and please don't worry about being negative, i appreciate the honesty, there's no point in me pretending this is all going to be easy!

I'm not sure we really have a choice i'm afraid. DH has to be in work 5 days a week from as soon as possible. The current situation is that he is 3 days a week and works from home 2. If we stayed living here and DH commuted for 5 days i really can't see how that's better. I'm already effectively a full time working single mum 3 days a week so that will increase to 5. DH will see both kids only at weekends and me hardly at all. If we move to where he works he gets to see DS through the week and Sunday afternoons (and the once or twice a month ds and i accompany DH to see dss) and sees DSS Friday night through to Sunday morning which is the same he sees him now, just not in our home. Oh and dss will come to our house for half of holidays.

I understand it won't be as good for dss but hasn't anyone else had to make the decision to put the rest of the families needs first? DH and I will make sacrifices, after all dss didn't ask for this, but surely there's a limit and now our ds has needs to consider too.

I'd be really grateful if anyone had any tips for us on how to minimise the impact? We're doing this but we are prioritising maintaining the good relationships as much as we can.

I hadn't thought about the kids resenting each other and that does really concern me. DSS has been told we're moving (he had to be told before the for sale sign went up!) and we've been very clear that it's the job that's making us move and nothing to do with ds. The truth is that it is partly to do with ds, in that we want him to grow up where we did, to go to a good school and see his wider family more. We'd like that for dss too but as his mum won't allow him to come too (we are pushing this and hoping the schooling may convince her but aren't that hopeful) I can't see that it's fair that everyone elses needs are ignored for us to be by him.

[chelen]

Hi, I've read your latest post but it just makes it more muddled for me. I can see that in terms of time, travel, presumably money, it is better for each individual family member - this way, DSS will get more time with dad, dad has less travelling to do, DS gets a decent amount of time with dad + good schools etc, you get more time in the same home as your husband.

But I personally can't see how it can have anything other than a negative impact on the family as a whole IYSWIM. Because a family is what happens when you are all together and this will be massively curtailed.

So how to minimise the potential impact on the family unit? I honestly don't know. I guess all the things people do when a couple separates - reliable contact, as much contact as possible, talking openly, caring for feelings, allowing the children to express any feelings they have. What else is there?

[chelen]

I forgot to put something in about balancing needs being so very difficult in families, and I hear what you are saying about DSS' location not taking precedence, but I guess to me, your DS' need to be with his brother could (and we all have to weigh these things differently, so I am not claiming to know the right answer) be said to outweigh any need to go to a school in a specific area. I would put the sibling relationship ahead of grandparents or schooling, but that's just me.