Step kids and Uni

[theredhen]

DP and I have 5 kids between us, my DS and his 4 DC. 4 out of 5 of the kids are teenagers and all are bright enough to go to Uni and certainly 2 of them are stating they would like to go.

Now, because I live with DP, my DS will be entitled to no financial help and we will have to top up his loans or he will need to get a part time job whilst at uni.

As I understand it, DP's children (whose Mum doesn't work) will get lots of grants to enable them to go to Uni.

The problem is that although DP and my household income is high, my earnings are a small percentage of that and here is the dilema, should I ask DP to contribute to the savings I want to provide for my DS bearing in mind he probably won't have to contribute very much to his own childrens uni education? Currently we don't really share finances and I contribute 50% to household bills and he tends to pay for luxuries. I pay for everything for my DS and I would feel embarrassed to have to ask DP for anything for DS.

Of course, his ex wifes circumstances could change and he could also have to pay to support his kids through uni as I'm pretty sure his ex will never give them any money - she sees that as DP job anyway.

My DS Dad won't contribute, so that's not an option. I'm starting to panic a bit that my DS won't be able to go to uni because I can't afford it although on paper, I can.

[purpleroses]

Your understanding of how it works is the same as mine - it's the household income that they look at, not the actual parents, which seems a bit unfair seeing as step parents usually have no rights at all over their step children but are expected to contribute.

I'm in a similar situation on that one - DP earns lots, and although I earn enough to support me and the DCs, if I were to be still on my own they'd be getting some degree of support with uni (though DS is only 12 so it's a few years off). But DP likes to plan ahead financially and I know he has put money asidee for his DCs (though they, like your DSC, may actually get grants because their mother earns v little in her own right and her DP is retired). I've not broached the subject yet, but I think it is one you need to bring it up - the state is assuming that your household shares finances and therefore your DP supports your DS, so it would clearly be very unfair on your DS for your DP not to do so.

One thing at the back of my mind, that might or might not be feasible for you is to change the DCs official residence to their dad's at some point - on the grounds that once they're off at uni then they don't really live with either of us, so it might as well be him on paper. But I've not actually checked out how much in advance of applying I'd need to do this. It ought to work because their dad and his DW don't earn very much, so they'd then be entitled to grants, etc.

I think you should probably do the sums, work out what he would get if you were still a single parent, what he will get living as he is with you and DP, and show your DP the figures with the expectation that he'd make up the difference.

Does your DP expect to contribute to his own DCs at uni? I'm not sure that mine has realised that his will probably be regarded as poor enough to get grants (seems crazy really as they're all private school educated!) so am somewhat hopeful that when he does, he might be pursuaded that the fair thing to do would be channel some of the money he's put aside and won't need towards my DCs

[theredhen]

Thanks for that. I need to get some facts and figures from somewhere. Any ideas where I can find out what "low income" children can receive as opposed to "high income" children?

I also think it's important to note that although my DS might get student loans, DSC will get grants, so although they won't be any different whilst at uni, my DS will be saddled with debt for years and DSC won't.

DP has told DS that "everything will be fine" but there are certainly no firm plans for savings etc. forthcoming from him. DP has also said he is pleased that he won't have to pay for 4 kids to go to uni and only 1, but I can't help wondering if the reality of putting his hand in his pocket to actually hand over to my DS will be too difficult and who knows what they're relationship might be like then etc. etc.

I'd really like to get something in place now, even if that means I contribute less to the household so I can save for DS.

[HerRoyalNotness]

How often do his 4 kids stay over, there are 5 of them, and 2 of you. I'd say ask for a reduction in the 50% contribution to the household and put that away, it opens the discussion, and at that time you may be able to discuss and PUT IN PLACE plans for him contributing towards your DSs uni fund as well.

[theredhen]

We gave his kids about a third of the time.

[Smum99]

Hi Redhen, try student finance calculator, you should get the details there.

We have had this situation - I did save for my dd (mostly for accommodation which in halls is about £4k p.a but less if in a shared house) and she will have to repay fees which today isn't too bad as around the £3k level. I also provide a monthly allowance for food and phone and fund her travel back home. She uses work & savings to fund going out and clothes. I have encouraged her not to get further loans and so far she is coping well. I used to work so funded savings out of income and also used CB. DH hasn't contributed.

Not sure what will happen with DSS, his mum may yet again change husbands in that time but if she was single she would get a grant however that doesn't cope with all the expenses as accommodation is usually more than the grant figure.

I think most people will struggle to provide for dc's as it's £27k on fees, £12k on accommodation and then living expenses. The grants won't cover hardly any of that so it will be a mixture of parents helping out for some costs and then work to fund the rest (unless parents have a spare £50k per child!!)

[Smum99]

PS My dd really appreciates that I saved for her for a very long time, she values it and knows I made sacrifices to do so.

[purpleroses]

I'm pretty sure everyone's expected to take loans out - so your DSC may get grants to cover some of their living costs, but will be assumed to be taking out the full loans to cover tuition - they won't get that paid just because their mum is poor.

Your DS, on the other hand, may not get any grants - just the loans to cover tuition costs as it will be assumed that his well off household supports his living costs - or he might be able to get additional loans to cover the shortfall.

Sounds like it would put your mind at ease to actually get the figures and get some firmer commitment from your DP - but if he's saying he'll only have one to support and telling your DS not to worry, that sounds encouraging, as if he does understand the principle of how things work.

[bomsback]

Hey redhen, some good advice there. Just to add that I too have the situation where I get no help because I live with DH... yet we don't actually split finances (100% down to my own stubboness!) so i have alsways had the finances of a single mum (although, obviously we split the rent etc so it's not all violins

When I first moved in with him I insisted on paying half the rent but I also lost my tax credits which at the time paid for 80% of my £1000 monthly childcare bill!

So I had virtually nothing left.

I'm a lot better now, I've let my guard down a bit in regard to letting him help out, but I also earn a lot more in my own right too.

It does niggle me somewhat though that DSD's Mum gets heaps of benefits.. as will my ex when he and his partner have a baby as she intends on finishing work and he doesn't earn a great deal. Yet I get no support form anyone owing to the fact that DH earns a good salary. It's kind opf like the system expects a person's new partner to pick up the tab for the children.

Anyway. Whilst I personaly wouldnt be able to stomach asking him to save directly for my daughter to go to uni, I think in your situation I would explain how important it is for you to give your DS the opportunity to go to university and also that if you lived alone you would get financial support which you for go through living with him (he probably won't have even put two and two together there!) So could he support you a little more financially whilst you save... is that an option? i.e. he could pay a higher percentage of your household costs, pay for food shop, holidays etc in order to free up your cash for saving?

[Swed]

It's entirely fair that it's sorted out like this. The expenses as a dual person household are less per capita than they would be in a single adult household. You may keep your finances separate but you only pay half the gas bill, half the rent/mortgage/half the insurance etc.

[allnewtaketwo]

Another aspect to think of is that you may not get CB for your DS from next year, if your DH is a higher earner. Yet his ex will continue to get CB for all her children. So you get a double whammy again, because he still needs to continue to pay the same amount of maintenance. I think you're right to think about things now to make sure your DS doesn't come out unfairly.

fwiw I think it's a bit unfair if you're paying 50% of household bills yet earn less, particularly since his 4 children are with you 30% of the time. He should be paying a higher share. Maybe this is the way to approach it - enabling you instead to put the difference towards saving for DS?

[Swed]

If he's a higher earner, you are in fact subsidising him.

[bomsback]

But Swed... if you share a house with someone who isn't your partner then you still claim all your tax credits etc. So not so, it's the fact that it is your partner and they are expected to pick up the tab for your children before the child's actual NRP is, that's the annoying thing. It should be down to real Dad to pay for childcare not the new partner.

But I'm not saying I should get benefits when I live with my partner who earns a good salary of course, that would be maddness. I'm just saying that it's annoying when it happens to you.

[ladydeedy]

You might also find it helpful to read the article by martin Lewis on moneysavingexpert.com about uni fees. i dont have the link but it does explain it all and really, there should never be an issue about "not being able to afford" to send your kids to uni. they get a loan. They pay it off when they are earning a certain salary. it gets written off after a certain period so in fact many will never have to pay it back. Dont feel it is all down to you as parents to fund it all.

[theredhen]

I will have a look at the websites mentioned on here, thank you.

To the poster who says I am subsidising my partner, yes I am, but then I am better off too by being with him on a day to day basis although if I am honest, it's not massively different to being a lone parent. I admit to having a great fear of DP telling me that he is supporting DS and I think this is a symptom of some other issues that are not working for us.

I think I am going to get my facts together and then ask DP to contribute more to the house so I can save for DS.

I know DS can get loans and I know he will still be able to go to uni whatever happens but I don't want him to be massively burdened with debt in his adult life if a) He wouldn't have been had I chosen not to live with DP and b) That DSC should appear to be greatly advantaged compared to DS in that DS would have to get part time job and DSC wouldn't have to (being one example).

[theredhen]

I'm also hoping that child benefit is deducted from DP's salary through his tax coding rather than from me. Fingers crossed for the budget announcement this week.