8yo DS1 wants to meet BD

[iMammy]

Hi everyone
I'm hoping this is the right place to post, but please tell me if this thread will be better somewhere else (It's my first post on MN)

My DS1 is 8yo and he wants to meet his birth father who lives in the UK (we don't).

History: We were together for a years and broke up as his career was taking him abroad, I was 22 and he was 14 years my senior and I wanted to stay in London. A week before he left I found out I was pregnant and was very upset as I was really enjoying my life in my first year out of University and children would never have been on the cards for years. I called my ex and he went mad and begged me to get rid but I couldn't. When I was 8 weeks pregnant I had to have emergency surgery on my uterus and I called him as I was being rushed in but he was at his going away party and informed me he had gotten back with his ex who was going away with him.

By some kind of mircle my baby boy survived the surgery and I couldn't afford to live in London anymore so returned home to have my baby with my family by my side keeping in touch with my ex as much as he would let me. ALl the time he said he wasn't ready to deal with the situation but would one day and he also said he could never have a child in the world and not know him.

After the birth I called him a few times and he called me as my pregnancy was rough and I spent a long time in hospital and had problems from this after the birth. But after 3 months I asked him straight was he ever going to meet DS1 and I got the same answer of 'I can't I'm not ready'

I went back to work when DS1 was 6 weeks old as I couldn't afford not too. I didn't have any contact with My ex from the time DS1 was 12 weeks, I started proceedings for maintenence which took over 3.5 years (my ex earns a good 6 figure salary) and is very little but it helped to pay some of DS1's medical costs.

I tried to keep commmunication open for 3,5 years, but it was too painful to hear nothing back.

I found out from friends that he married the ex he got back together with and they had a DC that is 1.5 years younger than DS1.

I met my husband when DS1 was 2 and we have since had 2 more children. MY husband is a wonderful father to all 3 children, DS1 is treated no differently to the others, if not better as they get to go away on football trips together....usually incorporating trips to legoland or disney depending on what part of the world they go to.

In the past year DS1 has been asking a lot about his birth dad, but I only have 1 photo and nothing else. I know where he works in the uk and that's about it. I've emailed him but no response....I'm not sure if the email is right address or not. His DW does not know about DS but his brother does but keeps minimal contact so that my ex doesn't get upset.

DS just wants to meet him, he says he wants to see what he looks like, what he sounds like, to see that his eyes are the same as his. I know there are a lot of emotions involved and DS is aware that even if I could somehow get him to agree to meet, it would probably be a 1 off.

TBH, I think it would be better now than when he is a teenager when he realises the truth and becomes angry.

Does anyone have any thoughts on what you would do in this situation? do nothing, try and pursue further? try and meet him face to face somehow?

I have cousins who were adopted and some have had great relationships with birth parents others have not. I feels very sad for my DS1 that I can't tell him much about his bio dad's side, I feel sad that his grandparents on that side don't know about him and very sad that he has a sister a little bit older than his sister here whom he'll probably never get to know and he is such a great big brother. He never fights and is so caring and protective of his siblings.

sorry for the extremely long ramble

[GinPalace]

Hi - what a lovely person you sound! You dealt with an awful lot at a young age and obviously have your sons best interests at heart.

I don't have any advice myself but wondered if you might be better putting this in adoptions as the guys there have a lot of perspectives on birth parent ishoos and may shed some good light on the matter.

All the best - your son sounds like a true delight and thank goodness you didn't take your ex's suggestion! :)

[cantfindamnnickname]

I think I'd be trying to discourage him meeting him tbh. I can only see more heartache for your ds. Your ex is a dick - he fathered a child and fought against paying you maintenance - he has not told his family but went onto have another child.

I can only see heartache for your DS - my father was also a dickhead and had no contact, he turned up at a relatives once when i was not much older than your ds and he arranged to come and see me then did a runner.

This led to years of heartache and questionning what was wrong with me - i think you should be honest with him and tell him he is not a father and that your dh is a father

[iMammy]

Thank you for your input. I agree with you both in that I only see heartache for my son. I guess I'm trying to make a judgement call as to whether it is easier now and that at the end of the day when DS is older that I can hand on heart tell him I did everything I could to make contact. I think we feel we are damned if we do, damned if we don't.......

I think we will try and buy time and discourage DS1. I'll post over on Adoption thread to see if there are other POV we haven't thought of.

Thank you very much :)