Rivalry/fighting between DD and DP's DS - any suggestions?

[Purpleroses]

We've had a lovely time over Christmas. Spent a lot of time all together round DP's house with all the DCs (his four and my two) Even had them all over at mine too:) Staring to feel a bit like all one family at times and have had lots of fun together.

DCs have mostly been getting on well and asking when they'll see each other next - all except DP's DS2 (9) and my DD (8), who have declared that they are "mortal enemies" and waging a bit of a war on each other

A lot of the time it's been fine as my DD plays with DP's DD2(11), and his DS2 plays with my DS(11) and everyone is happy, but when there's a time when the DCs are all together, particularly if they're at a lose end they'll be screams and most often my DD comes running to us in tears saying DP's DS2 has hit/kicked/pulled her hair. When you ask more questions it usually emerges that she's been winding him up, harrassing him, poking him, etc - ie she goes looking for trouble, then gets it.

I think a lot of the problem is that - unlike natural siblings - there's no natural hierarchy between them - DP's DS is 9 months older, but the same height and same school year as my DD (different schools). DP's other 3 DCs treat DS2 as the baby of the family, but when my DD copies them, he isn't taking it from her.

DP think that it will get better in time, as they get used to each other. And we have both talked to our respective child about not having mortal enemies. I'm hoping he's right, but also wonder whether there's more we could do to encourage a nice relationship between the two of them, or at least not a war. At the moment I think DD would be quite unhappy about the prospect of moving in with him, despite being very fond of DP and his two DDs. Any suggestions?

[PlinkertyPlonk]

Oh this sounds so familiar, except in our family it's between the youngest and eldest siblings (both DP's, so it's not necessarily just something that happens between step-siblings). Middle one is rarely involved.

The eldest gets bored, makes a few smart-arse comments and youngest gets upset, flies off the handle and thumps eldest, eldest comes running in tears (despite being twice the size of the youngest). More often, I catch them mid-fight, hair being pulled, punches flying. And it happens every time they get in a car together (see my other thread!).

It's worse when they've spent too much time together, or if eldest is bored/hormonal. With my DP's children, sometimes it's attention-seeking by the eldest, sometimes it's because she is feeling out of control in other areas of life (eg starting senior school). For the youngest, it's because he's feeling generally vunerable and self-conscious, so takes any comment personally and hates being shown up in-front of people (goes into a complete meltdown if you tell him off in front of people).

Not sure I have an answer though, other than ensuring each has an opportunity to get attention from each parent and understand what might really be going on (difficult in a big family). I've also found their friends are very useful for keeping unruly behaviour in check - they don't hold back in telling them they are out of order and the DSCs normally listen to them!

[warriorwoman]

It might just be a personality clash that is just common in any family. In a step-family, I know I am guilty of really willing us to be a happy family and things that would be normal in a 'normal' family are seen as somehow really different and unique to a step-family when really it is just as normal (if that makes sense!).

I have a teenager and she doesn't get on with DH a lot of the time and it causes me a lot of grief, but I do have to keep reminding myself that it he may have irritated her just as much even if he were her biological Dad. There is 13 months difference with myself and my sister and we would love each other one minute and really hate each other the next. It was worse as we got older and spent less time together, as we went to different schools. We would have really physical fights as teenagers.

Sorry I can't offer any other strategies. There is a chance that rather than them not having a natural hierarchy between the two of them, they may not feel secure with their place within the family as they are sharing that place and there may be some tension there. Have I got this right: Your daughter is the youngest by 9 months to your partner's son who is the second youngest? If that is the case then there is an issue that in your partner's family his son is the youngest but in your family he is not. His position as baby is being threatened by your daughter but she is treating him like the baby, as the rest of his family do, but in your blended family he is not the baby. It can lead to resentments and frustrations.

My DH's youngest became the middle child when our family got together as my daughter is younger than her, so there were some jealousy and resentment issues and it took quite a while to sort out, but it came more from them feeling secure with themselves within the family (I think!).

[Purpleroses]

Thanks both - yes I realise that squbbling siblings in hardly the preserve only of stepfamilies.

But yes, I do think that DP's DS2's position in the family is a bit threatend by my DD - he is the youngest of 4 and does really play the role of the baby of the family - eg being picked up and sat on lap of eldest DSis for cuddles, putting on a baby voice, and in many ways treated like a much younger child than a 9 year old. He doesn't want my DD to treat him like a baby as the others do, but isn't quite sure how he does want to relate to her I think.

My DD seems just to not want him to be around. She's quite a tomboy and normally gets on well with lively young boys of around her own age, but doesn't seem able to enjoy any kind of interaction with this one. Maybe she is jelous of him - she's forever mentioning that it's unfair he gets more pocket money than her, which I never think is very relevant (as his DM gives it him and he never even has it with him when he's with DP) but maybe the thing she can think of to articulate how she feels.

Guess none of them really feel secure in their positions in the (soon to be) new blended family at all yet, as it's all too early for that. Hoping to get them all more used to each other before we make the change to living together. Yes, I am keen for everyone to get along, but realistically there are bound to be times when some don't.

Involving the other DCs might be useful though, warrior - often they are around to see what's going on when DP and I are not - maybe we could encourage them to help the two youngest sort it out a bit better, and tell them when they're out of order. They both look up to the older DCs a great deal, so maybe we can try to use that.

[theredhen]

I think the youngest child will always use the "baby" tag as a way of getting what they want from the situation.

My DSD is 9 and still screams like a toddler if she can't get her own way. Will sit on laps, interrupt adults constantly, want a story before bed, ask for help with putting shoes on etc.

She is a bright girl but knows DP (and the other children) will treat her as a baby so she uses it to manipulate.

I also think girls tend to be quite good with words whereas boys aren't and then can just lash out because of sheer frustration.