Flaming ungrateful step-daughter!!

[scotchmeg]

Hi there, this isn't so much a step problem as such, maybe more a general teenager one but I've made the mistake of posting elsewhere before about my DSD and got a massive flaming for being such a wicked stepmother, so I thought I'd post here where it's safer (looks around sheepishly)

So, my DSD lives with her dad and I 3/4 days a week (7 days out of 14) so she needs a proper warddrobe here rather than carry clothes to and fro. Most of the things we buy her end up straying back to her mum's never to see our door again but that is besides the point and something we're working on (any tips on this would be great!)

Despite us having DSD 50/50, DP pays way over the odds for CM which I suspect is why we have a problem with clothing for DSD whereby he is loath to spend a lot of her as he is already paying out so much.

We have had several conversations where I have explained to him that the fact is, he chooses to pay over the odds. And that is not DSD's fault. As such he just has to swallow the fact that he has to kind of pay for her twice. i.e. once for things at her mum's and once for things at ours. He does get it, he's not a cruel person... but for whatever reason we always end up in a situation where DSD needs things, and he is reluctant to buy.

So that's the background. Anyway, what usually happens is that come a new season, (DSD is 13 and growing like a weed so needs new things all the time!) I notice she needs new clothes and ask her to come up with a list of things she needs (either by herself or we do it together) so that I can take her shopping. This is out of my own pocket and so not something I am obliged to do (DP and I keep our finances seperate). I explain that it is about getting her a new wardrobe of sensible things that she can mix and match and that will get her through the season.
What I want her to think is; "that's kind, SM doesn't have to do that for me but she cares about me and wants me to feel at home so has offered to take me shopping. I'll do as she says and think of a way to spend her money wisely, oh and I should probably say 'thank you' too"
What i actually get every time (and.I.never.learn) is something like what I got this morning on text

Me: Good morning gorgeous, it's getting really cold and you'll need a new wardrobe here. Can you have a little think and put together a list of things you need - you know the drill, not one off expensive thinks that don't go with anything, but some sensible stuff that will see you through the cold winter. If you can show me that you can be sensible then I'd love for us to go on a girlie shopping trip at the end of the month and i'll get it all for you xxx"
DSD: "can we get it all from Hollister?"
Me: "haha you're funny"
DSD "I don't see why we can't?"
Me:"because a jumper in Hollister is about £60 and you need a whole wardrobe, not just one jumper"
DSD: "Will you at least think about it?"

and so on and so on.... so I am left feeling like my offer has been thrown back in my face and isn't good enough for her. We will now get locked in to tense negotiations, I'll be bombarded by emails with links to Hollister this and that, her mum will be on the phone saying that if I pay for half of a Hollister jumper for her, she'll pay for the other half... DSD will eventually agree to give in and we'll go shoppoing for the "sensible" wardrobe but the trip will turn out to be a ruse to get me to go to Hollister where she'll beg and plead with me and eventually I'll tell her she's a spoilt brat and sulk off home.
On occassion it will result in me giving in and buying an item for her, feeling really good about it because i know how much she wanted it, and then watching her forget all about it 2 seconds later, start asking for something else, take the item to her mum's and leave it there and we're back to square one with nothing for her to wear when she's here.

This is what always happens. Why do i get involved???!!! And most importantly, now that i've started it all up again, how do I stop it in it's tracks before it gets out of hand?

I can't get over how spoilt she is. I would be mortified if my DD treated her step mum in this way. I know a certain amount of it is about being a teenager, but I have spoken to my mum and she said that I was always grateful when I was bought or offered something. I can remember going shopping with my mum and longing to go to the more expensive shops but pretending to be sooo grateful for the top from C&A (what ever happened to C&A..?) thats he got for me.

[fluffythevampirestabber]

I don't have a stepdaughter, in my case it's my daughter and stuff going to her dad's because he won't buy stuff.

Oh and I did Hollister at the weekend. She bought an exceedingly short summer skirt for £11.90. Hoodies were far far too dear.

She's also 13. Today, as it happens.

[glasscompletelybroken]

She's 13 and needs to start learning about money. Decide how much you think is reasonable to spend, tell her how much is available and that is ALL that will be available until next Spring (barring Christmas presents of course). Point out to her that if she chooses to blow it all on one or two expensive items then she will be very short of clothes all winter. And then STICK to your guns.

It's your money, she should be grateful and she needs to learn that you can only spend it once and when it's gone it's gone.

[scotchmeg]

Oops that she got for me. And I pressed send too quickly too!

Meant to say - any advice appreciated. I'm just trying to do the best by her, but i don't want to be mugged off in the process. Plus, I don't buy my own DD expensive clothes! Most of her things come from primark or matalan. She's got a couple of things form Next that I've bought for special occassions but other than that, nothing as expensive as a £60 jumper.

IMO DSD has been encouraged to have tastes that are way above her means. Her mum is in a minimum wage job working 12 hours a week and isn't ambitious, yet also has very expensive tastes. I'm not going to bother running her down because I am aware it's always taken with apince of salt when the "new wife" runs the old wife down. But just setting the scene.

Goodness - thanks if you've got this far!!!!

[fluffythevampirestabber]

We did Belfast at the weekend for Dd's birthday. She had a good amount of money (over £100) but she still tried to tap me - "since it's clothes will you go halfers" - emmm no. I already bought new jeans a new coat and new tops for her. I'd like to get a nice warm jumper.

but the coat (which was a wool coat with a hood) has ALREADY found it's way to her dad's where it has been left in the shed (don't ask) I have ever so slightly lost the plot and told her she is taking the piss and the clothes I've bought have to come back here and she's to gather them up at the weekend.

But she won't. Because at the end of the day her dad buys fuck all and she wants to look half decent there.

I don't have any answers I'm afraid, but tons of sympathy.

[scotchmeg]

thanks guys. glass that sounds like great advice. But then what do i do when she has nothing to wear? She won't think about the bigger picture for a single second. Will take the money and run, and then I'll be the one having to hear her get up every Saturday morning and have nothing to wear! I just don't think I have the heart to stand by and see her without warm clothes in her home
fluffy I wonder if DSD's mother thinks that we don't buy her anything here as she doesnt have a lot... In fact I'm sure that is what she thinks.

[scotchmeg]

Also, I don't have a lot of money. I'm happy to spend say, £150, and go without other things next month if it means she has clothes for winter.. but I'm not happy to spend that on 2 items of clothing.
The more i think about it, I guess this is a step problem as if it was my own DD I'd be telling her that either she came up with a sensible list or I go shopping for her myself (she wouldn't like that!) but if I did that with DSD she just wouldn't wear any of the stuff I got anyway.

[fluffythevampirestabber]

My ex doesn't buy anything - he's tight. He never did though, if you have one pair of jeans you don't need another.

but I just want DD to be half decently dressed and it (to borrow an expression I learnt on here) grips my shit that I go out and buy the stuff for her, and she wears it up there to let him see it and IT NEVER FUCKING COMES BACK

but from being on here, it seems that getting clothes back is an issue for a lot of people - we are not alone

[fluffythevampirestabber]

See, I get "The Look" - enter shop, I approach rack of clothes, see something that might be suitable and I haven't even fucking touched it, all I've done is reach my hand out, and I get The Look and mother, no. just no

I wouldn't go shopping for DD1 for the exact reason you won't for your DSD - there's an odd thing I can get coz I'm sure she'd like it but 90% if I bought it would never be worn, which is a waste of my money.

[scotchmeg]

That's really sad fluffy. Your poor DD. And your poor wallet
The keeping things at the right house issue has always been a biggy for us. DSD says "but they're my things, I should be able to take them where I want" and yes, I can't fault her on that, she should.
But the fact is, I wouldn't mind if it happened both ways, I'm not prescious about the things I buy her. If she left stuff from her mums' here and visa versa, it would work. But what happens is it all goes there, and stays there, and she ends up looking like a tramp when she's here and not wanting to come out with us because she's literally got nothing to wear.

[fluffythevampirestabber]

There are many reasons he's the ex and this is just one of them

I'd second MandM direct actually - they're very good and well priced.

DD1 also did well at the weekend out of New Look and has done well in the past in Primark.

funnily enough, the fact that it was her money she was spending and I wasn't going to sub her or go halves meant that she didn't go nuts in Hollister and came home with money left. She's looking to get another trip out the next weekend I have her though and I will need gin

[fluffythevampirestabber]

(BTW I'm sorry for crashing the thread since I'm not a step parent)

[scotchmeg]

ha ha, no, I don't think we are alone on this one. The biggest thing here is knickers! f'ing knickers!! I just don't understand how, when she is here half of the mornings of her life, that ALL her pants end up at her mums i seem to be buying packets of pants every flippin month.
I have brought it up with her twice and she was like "seriously, you're getting possesive over some pants? they're like £2, that's just pathetic"
It's not the money, it's the sheer inconvenience and weirdness of it all... her mother must have a whole cupboard of pants! Although, saying it's not the money. I buy DSD more expensive pants ever birthday and Christmas (you know, the la senza 5 pairs for £12 or whatever. It's a weird family tradition my mum always did it for my sister and I) and they always go to her mum's. if ever any pairs do venture to our house... it's always a cheapy tesco pair with holes in that her mum has bought. Annoying!!!!

[Marne]

I have a 12 year old DSD (who doesn't live with us), up until the last year she has hardly asked for anything then we got asked if we could buy her uniform for high school (which we did and cost us £150), we explained that 'we do not have much money as dh's hours have been cut and if we pay for the uniform we wont be able to pay for much else for a while, anyway a week later she ask for more money (which i gave her) and then we asked her what she would like for her birthday and she asked for a i-pod (£120's worth) which we had to say 'no' to as we had only given the other step children £30 for there birthdays. There comes a time where you just have to say 'no' (if you have enough money or not). Dsd rarely say's 'thank you' for anything and it does make me angry as its not hard to say thankyou and it goes a long way.

We have often bought the step children clothes and never seen it again and then they turn up wear socks with holes in and jeans that are too small even though they have had new bought for them by us.

[scotchmeg]

Thanks for the tough love MJ I'm usually pretty good at it and don't ake any shit in other areas. It's just the clothes thing that makes me sad. I remember what is is like to be a teenager and wanting to feel comfortable in your clothes and i can't bear the thought of telling her this house is her home - but not giving her things for it.
I have suggested to DP that he stops giving some of the money to his ex and gives it to DSD as a clothes allowance, he agreed it was a good idea but his ex totally freaked out so he didn't do it. It annoyed be but like I say, we keep our money seperate so it's not my business what he chooses to do with it.
I hadn't looked at it as me undermining him though. I'll pnder on that one. He hasn't outright said to her "I won't by you clothes here as I already give your mum money" (he has said this about school uniform etc but not casual clothes) it's just more the feeling I get about what it's all about.

[scotchmeg]

fluffy you're not crashing!!

[fluffythevampirestabber]

I was just about to post about the pants as well [hgrin] I had a rant the other week because it feels like every time I'm in Primark or Dunnes I'm buying packs of fucking pants for the two of them. And tights and socks. And it's not as if the individual items are expensive, but like you both said, it's the hassle and inconvenience of no socks, no pants, no tights.

And also [hgrin] at the no jumpers and coats. That's why, when she herself picked out a lovely warm woollen short coat that she said oh mum that's lovely will you get me that - I nearly bit her arm off to get it.

And now its at his. Which is annoying.

[CobOnTheCorn]

I was in a similar situation as your DSD but I lived full time with my mum. My Dad and SM seemed to have pots more money than my mum but they wouldn't spoil me. I thought it was a treat to have nice clothes bought for me at xmas. My SM was very kind and I know she would sometimes spend her own money on me (not necessarily my Dad's money) and I think I was lucky. Can you draw a distinction between the Hollister type things and general wardrobe staples? The former more appropriate as a gift (birthday/xmas/doing well at school) and the latter in general high street stores. Could you use the sales as time to update our wardrobes (you, DD and DSD)? Personally I think her Dad should make the decision, he knows how much he has left after giving CM and paying the costs of running your house.

[fluffythevampirestabber]

Oh I type too slow. Massive x-posts [hblush]