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just my situation, need to vent, long ramblings of a stressed step parent

(18 Posts)
boxyfoxy Wed 19-Oct-11 22:36:54

I'm a step mother to three who live with us, plus a daughter of my own, with their father.

Very complicated, mother of eldest two sd-13, ss-14 as not been in the picture for 7 years, now lives overseas, has another child with new partner, and has not told new partner's family of her other 4 children living in UK (other 2 kids living with her grandparents and father of eldest)

other ss-10's mother has him during holidays, lives in inner city london estate which is why he lives with us, good schools, nice place etc (she has string of dysfunctional violent relationships so better her son lives with us than in a pretty rocky environment)

so I think I fit in to the not the ordinary situation for step parenting, but who does????

my daughter is 6. I have no family to support me here. my partner is well meaning, has a heart of gold but can be pretty useless practically. Which means I do the lions share of everything. Asked him to take the bins out earlier, bin day tomorrow. He went to bed, and "forgot". ho-hum. will just do that after I've finished doing the laundry, the housework, the cooking, the shopping. Oh, wait a minute, I've done everything. Is there actually a reason he's there at all? Oh, and I work two jobs, he works from home. Yeah, now have a go at me for being a martyr... I've tried "striking" but I can't abide living in a dirty house. The elder children are pretty good about doing washing up, and will do things when asked, and I've gotten to be pretty adept at making lists and asking them to get things done. I couldn't cope otherwise.

When I met my partner, only the eldest son was living with him, I would have run a mile if I knew the others would eventually follow, (eldest daughter dropped off at ours for xmas break, told by mother she'd be back in two weeks to pick her up- that was 6 years ago, she hasn't seen her since) but it is how we are now, like i said, very complicated.

My situation has arisen out of the need for children to live in a stable environment - and my inability to lay my foot down and say, no I don't want them to live here, how could I do that, I mean, come on, I am the adult right??? I have to sacrifice my life for that of the children.

I often hear the song by the buzzcocks in my head "WHat do I get, oooh-oh, what do I get??"

I think my partner thought that when I had my daughter I'd suddenly feel the same love for the others, but you don't. I don't anyway. How can you feel the same about someone elses' children, as you feel for your own flesh and blood? I have had this conversation with people, and seems there are two camps out there, the love them as your own brigade, and the parents who have been step parents. Yeah, I know, I'm going to cop a lot of grief for that, but I'm beyond caring about it. My feelings are just as valid, didn't you know??? So frustrating, I work hard to pay for this that and the other, sometimes treated with disrespect. I really get p'd off when people think everyone can be just one big happy shiney family when the get thrown together. I get through it by rationalizing, that, the sc no more asked for me than I asked for them. We just get on the best we can.

am just having a rough day with it all, the thankless tasks...

I'm p'd off with the absent mother of the eldest two, who had "denied" her children that they even exist, I need to find her contact details, (which the grandparents withhold from us, because we might "upset her life" overseas....ie. bring to attention her life is a lie what a crock of shite) like to shake her life up a bit.

yeah, so many issues going on here, I'm not really looking for advice as such, just getting it off my chest and this place seemed like a pretty safe place to do so.

well, thanks if you could be bothered to read all that, I'm going to finish off this bottle of wine and retire soon but I feel better just to have typed that out.

fourkids Wed 19-Oct-11 23:33:04

sometimes just writing it down and reading it back helps smile

You haven't really asked for advice, and I don't really have any to offer, but this IS generally a safe place to get these things off your chest.

That does all sound mightily complicated...makes most of our lives look a bit boring, and our blended families a bit straightforward!!!

FWIW you sound like your priorities are to be admired...no, you couldn't turn his children away (not while expecting him to love and stay with you IMO), but you quite rightly want your efforts to be recognised. Three full time SCs plus your own deserves recognition, both for your input and hardwork, and for the emotional effort it must require.

I raise my wine glass to you. chink!

nickschick Wed 19-Oct-11 23:36:42

I think it must be very hard and I think you sound fab .....i think you are a gem.

boxyfoxy Thu 20-Oct-11 19:07:54

thank you fourkids and nickschick.. cheers... feeling slightly more human today, and the eldest two are busy doing the washing up, so that helps a little doesn't it!!

StewieGriffinsMom Thu 20-Oct-11 19:14:09

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

stuffthenonsense Thu 20-Oct-11 20:00:43

boxyfoxy...i think you are amazing......well done for coping as well as you very clearly do.

scotchmeg Fri 21-Oct-11 14:41:21

I agree with Stewie. He needs to step up. Even if you were mother to all these kids it would be hard on you having to do everything.
I also think that as much as the absent mother is clearly a complete waste of space, directing so much negative energy towards her is detracting from the fact that the person you are really angry with is your DH.
Generating negative energy towards something you can't control is always easier but pretty pointless.

I hope you feel better today x

boxyfoxy Fri 21-Oct-11 19:05:03

yeah, well, any advice on how to get a leopard to change it's spots? Think I'll knock back a bottle of lager now.... it's friday!

StewieGriffinsMom Fri 21-Oct-11 19:17:42

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

boxyfoxy Fri 21-Oct-11 19:31:41

No, but the thought of picking up, moving on and doing it all again is too much for me to consider, because logistically, what a nightmare. Anyway, he promises he'll do more... I actually came home today to folded clothes, washing up done and the living room in a state of order rather than chaos... maybe he read this thread!! lol

StewieGriffinsMom Fri 21-Oct-11 19:36:50

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RandomMess Fri 21-Oct-11 19:41:53

If he moved out, paid maintenance for all 4 could you afford a cleaner grin

Perhaps next time you strike only strike on the things that affect him, his washing, his meals etc...

StewieGriffinsMom Fri 21-Oct-11 19:44:59

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

boxyfoxy Fri 21-Oct-11 19:46:31

Oh, thanks Lois, reading some excerpts online of wifework, pretty interesting, although, seeing as I'm not actually married I wonder about some of the points... Although interesting in that I've lived in a fairly unconventional way throughout my life, perhaps why I get so frustrated at my situation now. It is not what I had envisaged my life to be. I'm supposed to be a bohemian artist for god's sake, not a withering housewife... well, better knockback another lager and make it ok....

boxyfoxy Fri 21-Oct-11 19:50:00

hehe, well, yesterday I refused to look something up on the internet for him, sounds kind of ineffectual, but I just said "Oh I forgot" which is what he said about the bins... I do think he got the point...
anyway, moving on without him in my situation would mean relocating overseas to be near to my family, which would in turn mean separating my daughter from her siblings. Hard one to call that one eh.

boxyfoxy Fri 21-Oct-11 21:23:33

and Random, I was thinking, if he moved out, there would be no way I'd take on the step kids, even if I could afford a cleaner.

RandomMess Fri 21-Oct-11 21:25:50

LOL well perhaps you need to ask him what does he think it would be like being a lone parent of 3 dc plus the youngest part time...

boxyfoxy Fri 21-Oct-11 21:52:01

lol, that might just be what he needs, RAndom... lol

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