so mediation?(11 Posts)
thank you all for you fab advice and support on my last thread i really have to say that it was amazing to have people that knew how i was feeling helping me sort threw and telling me i wasnt being a crazy selfish cowbag.
after all that i did go a bit mental (upset + pregnancy hormones) and said that i would never met dp's ex and that it was not my issues and he would need to sort them out on his own i would not have my feelings marginalized or my childrens because of what was going on (he forgot son's birthday because of issues, after me throwing his daughter a party).
i dont think he has ever seen me that angry and it really did shake him, he went to mediation and told ex this and she was not happy but the guy said it my call you cant force a meeting, your behavior has not been great, why would she want to meet you etc. apparently she apologised etc said she was getting counseling reiterated she just wants to discuss childrens needs etc.
so at the end he asked my dp to ask me if i would come to the next mediation session... so far since last week she has been on best behavior no abusive phone calls etc, dp feels for the first time mediation made progress.
am i right to just stay out of it for my own sanity or should i maybe cave and go to the session and then she cant say that its because she hasnt met me anymore?
i know obviously i will have to have some contact with her but really i feel the new reasonable her wont last and that it is just the lastest tool to get what she wants and soon she will be back to her old ways i want to just limit it to when it has to be like it she phones the house etc. what do you think?
I think I would agree to go for a section of their mediation time.
Even if the new reasonable her doesn't last, if you go to the mediation you can make it clear in that 'safe environment' what your boundaries are. If you make your boundaries reasonable, I would expect the mediator to support you. I should think you can say that you don't wish to have any ongoing relationship with her, at least until she has proved for an extended period of time that she will treat you and DP with respect, and you can say that she is not welcome in your house because she is not a member of your (or DP's) family or social circle - and that in return you have no desire to enter her house, for the same reasons, but that you will never bad mouth her to her (or your) DCs, and that you will of course take good care of her DC, although that will primarily be DP's role. I would probably try to say (in a non-confrontational way) that you hold nothing against her - she is simply part of DP's past, but that her treatment of you has been disrespectful, and the way she treats the man you love is also disresepctful, and for this reason you don't feel able to embrace her just at the moment.
You would be free, I should think, to make it clear that you don't intend to meet her again, but that you have decided to see her there on neutral territory, with a mediator in attendance, so that she can discuss her DC with you and DP together.
It may feel like you are meeting her halfway up her drive rather than the proverbial halfway, but your uber reasonableness (word??) may make things easier for both you and Dp for the next X years.
yeah i think you are probably right, i know radically extreme reactions are never the way to go because if you do reneg then you end up looking a bit of a tit for saying i will never do that bla bla bla. i am just loathed to do anything she wants which is a bit petty i know but its the making my life miserable which is bringing that out in me.
i also dont want to help her undermine dp by having her telling me what her children need with dp sitting but i think if we go in with a clear agenda then that should be ok, she apparently wants to lay down ground rules regarding the children like they cant share rooms with mine for a year and things and for us to sign an agreement.
i think you are also right in saying that we can say then that we have gone above and beyond so to speak its just a case of how to react to things. dp says last time it got quite heated. what do i do if they start shouting at each other or if she starts to shout at me? such a very weird scenario.
and if she tries to stipulate that the DCs can't share a room, DP will, of course, state that this is nonsense, and of course they can. Just be calm and firm. The mediation isn't an opportunity for her to lay down the law - it is an opportunity for you all to discuss things, and having a mediator should mean that you all get to have your say.
If she starts shouting, just sit very quietly and look at her in appalled way, with your eyebrows raised. If she doesn't stop, rise very carefully to your feet, and quietly explain that you gave up your time because you understood this was an opoprtunity for a grown-up discussion. Apologise for your mistake and leave the room
love it four kids that is the perfect response.
mmmmmm she dropped the kids round tonight with cookies she bought for my kids as a present... have i entered an alternative reality? i should be feeling all magnanimous and forgiving but i just feel suspicious.
I think you're right to feel suspicious but a bit like with children one does have to respond at least civilly to reasonable behaviour!
I don't see how she can even sya they shouldn't be sharing rooms etc - presumably the mediator will also pull her up on crazy controlling demands like that? I'm not entirely sure how much a mediator says in thesecircs.
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