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Any other Mums have step-children who live with them?

(5 Posts)
IdHarmAPumpkin Thu 13-Oct-11 22:28:03

Hi there;
I am struggling with DSD's behaviour at the moment - she is seven and I'm pretty sure it's an age rather than an intrinsic part of our relationship. Doesn't make it any easier to cope with though!

She lives with us, has done for just over a year, by her choice. She used to live with her bio Mum, whom she now sees every second weekend but has no contact with between times.

Are any of you in similar situations? Most of the posts I have read are from people who split care 50/50 or have their DSC's on weekends etc...

I feel a bit like I'm getting fall-out from DSD's Mum being a Disney parent - so kind of the opposite way round from most stepmums maybe?? DSD is so good and lovely 90% of the time but the couple of days after she's back from her BM's there is nothing but comparisons and criticism - although I roll my eyes and talk to her about people making different choices and why we make the choices we do, it does wear me down at times.

DH away with work at the moment too so have no back-up for a few weeks! Hey ho.

ladydeedy Thu 13-Oct-11 23:02:18

Hi I think I am in the same boat as you. I am a stepmum with a stepson living with us full time. He doesnt even really see his bio mum any more (long story) and hasnt spent a night there since he left a year and a half ago. So we get no "break" as such ever, but on the other hand we dont have to deal with the returning home angst. I'm away with work this week and DH was the previous two weeks so it was just me and dear boy. He's a good kid.
Hope things get a bit better - it could be a teenage phase that she'll grow out of over time - how old is she?
I have no "bio" kids - do you?

PegsOnTheFlatLine Fri 14-Oct-11 14:03:33

I am a full time SM. all that you describe is pretty par for the course I would say. Ignore the silly comments and comparison. It's just easy to get wound up by it and doesn't achieve much. She is looking for a reaction, don't give her one and soon enough she'll stop. DBD1 used to be like that and I felt awful for a while...but now she is lovely apart from the preteen angst and moodiness

Praise the good and ignore the bad. Also have to say that my youngest is 7 and she is driving me nuts pretty challenging these days...hmm

TheFeministsZombieBride Fri 14-Oct-11 23:22:11

Hi, my DSD has lived with us since she was 9, (she's now 19)! I know how full on it can be when they return from the NRP's. I didn't have any kids of my own when DSD came to live with us, (now have 2 dds) and so even though I had been used to looking after her for big chunks of time for years it was still a massive shock to do it full time.

PegsOnTheFlatLine is right about praising the good and ignoring the bad, especially after she's come back from her mum's. You get the whole, "My mum lets me do this, that and the other," hmm TBH at 7 I'd say enjoy the innocence of it all while you can (even though it's stressful) as once she reaches those teenage years it soooooooo much harder.

IdHarmAPumpkin Wed 19-Oct-11 21:27:16

Thanks so much for responding, and sorry to post and run - didn't intend to, but life got in the way.

Glad it's not just me and DSD1 then, though at the moment I don't think I can cope with the idea of it all getting harder shock

Yes I have a bio DD2 as well, she is nearly two. In some ways she has highlighted the deficiencies in my relationship with DD1... I guess it's just the lack of 'unconditional love', i.e. when I tell off DD2 I'm still her Mum, when I tell off DD1 all of a sudden I'm not her Mum any more!!

It has become obvious to me over the past couple of days though that the problem is not really DD1, I think I need to figure out my relationship with DH more. We have been struggling for a while, there is a lot of good stuff there but there has been so much stress coming from outside the relationship, and I think it's been affecting me more than I realised - time out from him has been good for me in a weird way.

He doesn't want any more kids, and I have always wanted two. He says we have two already. He has, I don't know if I do or not. I wish I had a crystal ball and could see if my relationship with DD1 would return to what it used to be like (she used to ask me if I could be her Mummy/tell her BM she wanted me not her etc) or if it's going to continue to deteriorate... I love DD1 to bits and one of the main reasons I couldn't contemplate splitting from DH is that I would lose contact with her, but at the moment it feels like I'm the one doing all the compromising and that my love for DD1 is being used against me? I don't know if I can explain this in a way that makes sense.

For the fear of losing contact DD1, I am losing the possibility of having a DC3 that is mine heart, body and soul. So either way I lose! And I don't know, if I said that I needed a DC3, whether DH would be willing to compromise for me, whereas I have always given way for his needs in the past.

<goes off to look for crystal balls on Amazon>

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