Advice - step sisters squabbles DH & his family taking DSD's side

[midwife99]

We've been together 4 1/2 years. When we met my DD was 3 & his DD was 4. They're now 7 & 9. We've since had our own DD now 2.

DSD has always enjoyed telling my DD off & telling tales about her from any early age but they were so silly & obviously untrue back then that she didnt get the result she hoped for most of the time, ie DD being told off.

Over the last few months this has escalated & now she has started saying my DD hits & kicks her (although no one ever sees it) & is building up a posse of sympathisers including her mum, grandparents & now my DH who all believe every word she says, poor little mite. She's twice the size of my DD who swears she hasn't hit her or kicked her. DH won't believe this & says I'm blinkered. DD has never to my knowledge hit another child & dotes on her baby sister, playing gently with her for hours at a time. I know she's not perfect however & can be sulky & moody at times.

I've told DD that she must have no physical contact with DSD or play where they aren't being supervised so that there can be no further "incidents". I've told my DH that unless we're united then the children will be in control of everything & that it's six of one, half a dozen of the other & he wouldn't take sides if they were both our natural children & would do the metaphorical banging off heads together until they get on.

The way it's going DSD will get what she wants which is for DH to spend every other weekend alone with her at her Nana's so she can be fussed over without any competition.

How to resolve this???

[brdgrl]

hi, i'm afraid that this is a bit out of my area, so my advice may not be the best!

the first thing i thought was that 4 1/2 years is a long time, given than the kids were so young when you merged families, for this sort of thing to be happening. does DSD live with you, or just come on visits?

it must be very hard to feel that your DH is unfairly taking sides, and I agree with what you have said to him...what does he say? Is he generally fair, or s this pretty typical? I can see why you have told DD not to play with DSD unsupervised, but that doesn't seem like a long-term solution!

What would you do if it turned out that DD was hitting DSD?
What would you like DH to do?

I think one thing should be made very clear to DSD, and that is that - no matter what - her activities and life will not change. That if DD were to be punished somehow, it would be in such a way that it didn't matter to DSD. I am having trouble putting that - what I mean is, take away as much as you can the incentive to lie about DD behaviour. Whatever happens, don't let it result in that scenario you mention about her nana's - if she sees that there is no gain for her, maybe she'll stop bothering???


I suppose you could do something drastic, like set up a nanny-cam! But it seems like even if you proved DD's innocence, there is something else going on here.

[Readyisknitting]

Don't know if this is any help, when when we get this kind of thing doing on with any of our 4! (dss, ds, dd1 and dd2) the 2 warring parties sit on chairs int he kitchen until we get a straight story. It has taken up to 23-30 mins before, but we are both really against lying and deliberatly trying to cause trouble for each other.

I agree with Brdgrl, there does seem to be somethin g deeper. But she needs to see the pair of you untied and both of them treated equally. She also needs to see that this is how life it, and jollys at nana's will not be happening.

One way to get the pov changed it to discuss how you would tackle if they were full siblings?

[midwife99]

Yes all your advice is right. What tends to happen is that DSD waits until she's alone with DH, eg on the way home & then tells him that DD hit her or pinched her at some point that weekend or just goes home & tells her mum who is then on the phone like a shot!! Unfortunately it always seems to be the weekend I'm working so haven't been there to keep an eye on things & there's been no witness. Personally I think it's 6 of one half a dozen of the other & I think we should do as you say above but DH says why should DSD be punished for someone else's bad behaviour. He can't see that the division is adding fuel to the fire & this sympathy & attention seeking on the part of DSD is a replacement for the "war wound" phase when she spent most of the time covered in eye patches, tubigrips & plasters!! I have told DD that she MUST NEVER hit anyone esp DSD & that if she does her piano & horseriding will be cancelled. She just sighs & says yes if course, it's me again isn't it?!

[Readyisknitting]

Think it's down to your DH to get a grip on this then- either she brings it up when it happens or he doesn't want to hear about it. As you say, the division is going to make things worse, and this will only escalate.