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first timer- how does one cope?!?!?! advice needed please!

(5 Posts)
yellowpolkadotbikini Sat 24-Sep-11 21:45:04

Quick background-
I'm 30, have no children, currently in Canada.
First timer on mumsnet, please excuse any mistakes on the acronyms.

Met DP in Africa (whole family moved back from Africa to Canada this summer due to security issues- I moved there because I had no reason to return back to the UK, it?s a cultural city and therefore I?d be able to work hère, my sisters are hère and last but definitely not least DP and I fell head over heels in love)

He has 3 children (11, 8 and 5).
They live in a small village 30 minutes away from a larger town.
This is 2 hours away from Montreal.
Because of the rough ride the kids have had in the past year and a half in Africa they wanted to give them some stability so they share one house in the village where the kids are there permanently. DP stays there one week, XP and her new husband stay there other week. The alternative weeks they have separate arrangments in the larger town which is close to their respective work places.

This isn?t a permanent situation.

I should get my permanent visa through in February. Until then I?m going back and forth between Montreal with my sisters and his area of the world.

I get on really well with the kids. I?m a big kid myself so give me some muffins to bake, some sports game outside or hours and hours of arts and crafts at a table and I?m a happy bunny.

We have discussed moving to Montreal next year as the eldest finishes primary school, he wants to move back there, I cant find a job where they are now (and the town is a soul destroying place anyways) and XP and her husband had previously expressed they?d like to move there to Montreal as well.

Things have now changed and thanks to something my middle SD said in the car the other day we understand that XP has decided she?s moving to the larger town and taking the kids with her and has told the kids this already. None of this has been talked through with my DP even though that?s the very open and amicable arrangement that they had previously agreed- that they would always live in the same area until the kids were a certain age as due to previous expériences they dont want the kids to grow up without a parental présence.

He called her to clarify what middle SD has said and result was a blazing row with him on the phone and has said a categorical no to moving to Montreal. He feels torn between a rock and a hard place and says he cant live without me, he cant live without his children.

AIBU in thinking that XP is holding the power over my future. Yet at the same time I can completely understand why she wouldnt ever want to move away- even though she has professed to myself and her children and other people that she hates this larger town. But ultimately, moving to Montreal would be because of me and I can understand why she would have no interest in bowing to my needs. As in, that?s not her problem.

Out of the 4 adults in this story, I?m the only one who cant get a job in my field in that area- everyone else would be able to get a job in their fields easily in Montreal. Out of the 4 adults in this story every single one of them has professed disliking this larger town.

My view is that life is so short why would anyone want to live in a place that everyone detests. I just don?t get it.

Ach, first timer in all this. I feel a bit lost.

I just wanted to know whether other people have had expérience of this.
Feelings that their lives are being dictated by the mother of his children !!!!

SingingTunelessly Sat 24-Sep-11 23:18:42

Seriously? Run for the hills. Sorry not much help but from what you've said well yes, your life is being dictated for you. Ime it won't change.

You really need to sort out what it is YOU want. Your relationship with DP at the moment is governed by his DCs and his ex and her new partner. Where do you see this going?

yellowpolkadotbikini Sun 25-Sep-11 18:25:05

Hi SingingTunelessly,

Thank you for the clear words. The question re what is it I want is relevant as life has become a limbo situation since coming back from Africa so that needs some work on.

Separate from that I think DP and I need to work on what we want as a couple together, life has been so topsy turvy between 24/7 curfews, military on the streets, death threats, evacuating country, adapting to new country, kids, school starting, my visa situation.. that to some extent we have been emergency firefighting our way through the past few months as opposed to developing our relationship and contemplating our future together.

Time to start doing that.. :-D

ConfessionsOfAFlask Tue 27-Sep-11 10:26:14

Hey polkadot, great to meet a fellow Montrealer! I'm an expat living in the UK now.

Your story sounds so complicated already....My first piece of advice would be to try to detach yourself from all the drama surrounding the children's residence. Be supportive of your DP but don't get too emotionally involved, it's just not worth it, not at this stage anyway.

Keep posting though and you'll find great support on this board.

theredhen Tue 27-Sep-11 12:31:14


I think what you said about finding time to have a relationship is a good point and something that is very easy to push aside when you are having a tough time. You can find the crisis can pull you together as you work your way through it, but often at the end of the crisis you can realise that the crisis was the very thing bonding you together and without it, life together isn't actually as good as you thought it could be.

Try and detach as much as you can and focus on other things together if you can.

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