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ex husband telling son to hit my new partner. What can I do

(3 Posts)
Susybeee Wed 21-Sep-11 22:44:16

I've been separated from my husband for 2 yrs now and we are almost divorced. For the pst 18 months I have met a wonderful new man who is kind, caring and loves both me and my 6 y/o son.
My son only sees his dad occasionally - maybe 1 weekend in 6 as his dad doesnt live locally and works away a lot. My partner who doesnt yet live with us sees us far more often.
My son has been told by his dad that the new man is taking mummy away from him, and that my son shoudl make sure that he hits/hates etc my new partner or if my new partner and I get married he 'wont have a daddy anymore'.
My ds clearly loves new partner, but switches between unconsciusly liking and having fun with him to suddenly hitting and lashing out at him. i try to explain that what ever happens my son will always have a mummy and daddy that love him but mummy and daddy just dont love each other any more, and that even if mummy wasnt friends with new partner that she still wouldnt live with daddy anymore. But becsue son only sees daddy on rare occasions, and when he does he is desperate to please him, he is torn between being loyal to his dad and enjoying himself with me and my new partner. My new partner and I have been through a lot together already (i have expereinced stillbirth before meeting him, and have a lot of emotinal baggage) and this is another serious strain on our relationship. I dont know what to do re my sons father, Taljing to him doesnt work, it is even counter productive reiterating that it is having an effect. Similarly, if i stop son seeing his dad, that will only re-inforce his dads message that new guy is stopping son seeing his dad.
Dont know what to do, but it is breakign my heart to see son so upset, and damaging my relationship too,

ladydeedy Wed 21-Sep-11 23:36:43

I would suggest this is fairly normal reaction to one parent having a new partner - a mix of wanting to get close to them and anger at parents having split and having new partners. It will pass.
How do you know your son has been told by his dad to hit your new partner?
Children will say and repeat many things that they dont necessarily believe - you dont always need to give credence to them.

redfairy Thu 22-Sep-11 00:03:17

Susybeee, I have no words of advice but I cna sympathise with you. I re-married a year ago and my DD (10) struggles to make sense of what has happened to her over the past few years. On one hand she cuddles her stepdad and appears to get on well him but at other times she is writing me notes telling me to leave him and to love my EXP (her dad). Luckily her father and I are working hard to enforce the meassage that we will not be getting back together and that we both still love her without loving each other. I can't imagine how hard it must be especially when you believe your EXP is encouraging your sons behaviour.

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