Desperate for advice - what should we do???

[MumbaiMamma]

Sorry, this is a long one...

Step-son decided four months ago that he didn't want to know us (me, his father and his 3 year old half brother) as we treat him like a child. He's an incredibly immature 17 year old. We were trying to encourage him to grow-up (find a job, etc, etc) so I'm not convinced that he really think this and he hasn't given us any examples.

His half-brother (our son) is desperate to see his big brother, and I've dealt with a lot of tears and upset as he doesn't understand why his big brother doesn't come over any more. It's heart-breaking. I emailed and texted step -son initally to ask him to get in touch because we were so upset, so he knows what was going on.

DH has also taken this very badly. He's a very gentle person and this has really, deeply upset him.

Four days ago, step-son texted DH to say that he wants to get back in touch and could he and his new girlfriend (we've never met her, but some online snooping leads me to believe that she's 14 years old) take our DS to the park one day. Bearing in mind that he's babysat twice for us - once for half and hour and DS ended up crawling over paint cans in the garage, and for one night when step-son decided to take the dog for a walk, leaving our two year old DS in bed, home alone. He's gormelous and untrustworthy. Given the way he's treated us, I also don't want him to get that close to DS again in case this happens all over again. I imagine that the older DS gets, the harder the rejection will be for him.

Anyway, DH texted him back asking when he's free to meet up. Non-committal, non-gushing - just the question. We haven't heard anything back for three days.

Should we have been more 'welcome' in communicating with him again, so that DS can see his brother again? He'd be overjoyed and (in later years) if he ever found out that we didn't go all out to encourage this meeting, he could really resent us. Especially if their relationship is now effectively over.

Or did we do the right thing?

I'm so sad. Any advice would be very gratefully received.

[MumbaiMamma]

Oh, by the way, he's been really nasty about us on Facebook. He doesn't realise that I can see it.

We get on fine with his mother, so I don't think she's encouraging the hostility.

[rainbowinthesky]

No advice except I wouldnt have let him babysit or take your ds out on his own regardless of wanting to build bridges. You need to have complete trust in him before this happens.

[MumbaiMamma]

Thanks. Absolutely. I wouldn't allow him to babysit. He just doesn't have the presence of mind, which is a sad thing to think of a seventeen year old.

[rainbowinthesky]

It may be that he just needs to be left to grow up a bit. You've put the ball in his court now.

[MumbaiMamma]

Yes, that's what I'm thinking. I'm wondering if DH should call him, or if we should just leave it.

We can't risk upsetting DS further. He keeps thinking that he sees his brother in the street and then cries when he realises it isn't him. At lunchtime today he said that he just wants his big brother to hold his hand. :(

[MumbaiMamma]

.

[MumbaiMamma]

He lived with us pretty much half the time, so DS has always known him. He has a bedroom here, full of his stuff, so DS isn't going to forget him easily.

[MumbaiMamma]

Actually we have just given his PS3 to his cousin and I'm ready to package it all up. It's easier for me though. Poor DH is losing a son.

Thanks for your replies. Much appreciated. :)

[MumbaiMamma]

I'm glad things are working out for you, MJ. Stressful, isn't it?

How old is your DSS?

[MumbaiMamma]

God that's awful! Poor you! You're a kinder, more patient and forgiving woman than me!

You're right. He'll grow out of it. I hope DS starts to forget about him soon too.

[MumbaiMamma]

I can't believe it. I'd have been beside myself with worry. What a stupid lad! His brother could have been taken into care! Poor you. RIOT van??? Madness.

I did love DSS, but I'm not sure if I do now. I know that's awful, but I don't understand how/why he's doing this to us. Despite the fact that he does have a mum, we've done all the 'parenting' for reasons I can't explain in case it outs me (or rather his mum). I find it difficul to love anyone who can hurt my DS so badly.

Thanks for the tip about the phone. That could be a great start. Thanks again. I'm so glad things are working out for you.