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DH just left me with 2 poorly kids and DSD - what do i do now?

(40 Posts)
littlemissliedto Sun 11-Sep-11 00:53:13

My DH has left me.

He has left behind his 15yo daughter my DSD, our DS who is 5 and our beautiful 7 week old DD - what a mug I must be as I really didn't see it coming. He has someone else, since Christmas apparently. I feel numb. I found out by accident (overheard a conversation while i was in ITU after a complication of the birth and then went through his phone), though he looked relieved and packed his bags. He couldn't get away quick enough, though he emptied our joint account on the way out!

My baby DD has been diagnosed with CDH so needs an op next week to have her hips broken and reset. He's told me he'll check with "Joanne" if they have anything planned and will "try" to look after the other children but if it comes to it, doesn't see why i have to stay at the hospital - nurses are there to look after my DD! Not only that but when she has it done she will be in plaster (from chest to ankle) for at least 6 months and I don't know how i am going to manage. He won't help me.

DSD mum doesn't want her back. DH can't have her with him (he isn't ready to tell the children about Joanne yet!) and she wants to stay with me. I don't mind, I love her and so do my kids. The shame and gumiliation, i had to phone her mum and tell her he'd left - she insisted on details and then phoned him and gave him a bollocking.

Kids back at school this week and of course, I'm hot gossip. 2 poorly kids (my DS just got a diagnosis he is deaf and has had hearing aids) and her husband has walked out, any1 know why?!? You can all imagine.

I am angry (with him), I am scared (for my DD and this horrible op and that my DS may get bullied for his hearing aids). I don't want her anywhere near any of my kids. He isn't being helpful he sent me a text tonight saying he is aware he will miss out on the kids but has to do what he has to do. Now I am all alone with 3 kids, 2 of which have very new and different special needs I'm learning about and i don't know where to turn.

Its all too much - what am I going to do now?

sad

ChippingIn Sun 11-Sep-11 01:08:44

Bastard.

Just an aside for the moment - I don't see where your DSD's Mum gets off ringing your H and giving him a bollocking when she doesn't want her own daughter back hmm

Bastard.

Utter wanking bastard.

I suppose you are going to do what the rest of us in your situation have done - pull up your big girl panties and get on with it. I don't mean to sound at all heartless as it sounds like a living hell - but you don't want that shitbag back, you don't want to send DSD back to her Mums so I don't see you have many choices sad

I'd be straight to the lawyers re your savings & I'd tell him if he doesn't replace the money on Monday you will be calling his boss and telling him what he's done & his mates & his parents & the dog on the corner of the street <hopefully that will make him embarassed enough to put the money back!!>

Bastard.

Then you need to sort out the practical stuff - get a bank account that he doesn't have access to and get all of your income put into that.

Bastard.

CSA

Bastard.

Do you rent or own - what do you need to do to secure the roof over your heads?

Bastard.

Tell him he has to come around tomorrow to tell the children, or you will. I don't give a flying fuck if he's ready or not, it's not his choice and tell him when he comes he can pick up all his stuff. There's no going back <please tell me you wouldn't take this slime monkey back!?!>

Bastard.

Tell your family & friends ASAP - you need support & practical help. Tell them the truth do not protect him!

Bastard.

Try to get as much done as you can while you are numb/in shock - it's easier sad

Utter wanking cunting bastard to do this too you sad

TipOfTheSlung Sun 11-Sep-11 01:15:19

Couldn't have put it better
What a bastard

Your dd and ds will be fine. They will!

littlemissliedto Sun 11-Sep-11 01:30:27

Thanks Chipping, I had told some people and am now starting to tell people bare minimum ie he's gone, I'm not ready to tell the whole sorry story. The kids know he has gone but not why... tho I suspect DSD mum may have filled her in as she is calling her dad lots of 4 letter words! I'm actually glad shes here but FFS, how must she feel when neither of her parents want her?!?!?

I've got another account and have taken anything of value out of the house... he's spent the money so i won't get it back! He's taken most of his stuff including the stuff his parents left him when they died from the loft!

No I wouldn't call the fire brigade if he was on fire, let alone have him back - I told his sister its not a revolving door and I have my self respect (it appears she knew b4 i had the baby but her loyalty is with her brother). She thinks the kids health problems are the reason he left as "its all too much for him" so she can do one as well!!!

Trouble is i NEVER wanted to be a single parent, especially with such a little baby. I feel so lost i am an independent person and have never asked for help in my life so not sure i know how!

Thanks tho ... the CSA hadn't crossed my mind yet!

littlemissliedto Sun 11-Sep-11 01:32:09

Thanks Tip, somewhere deep down i know they will, but my baby is so small... its all too much, too soon

fuzzywuzzy Sun 11-Sep-11 01:47:35

Ring CSA they work weekends!

Have all joint accounts frozen, you really do not need to end up with a massive overdraft that has been incurred by the bastard. When you speak with the bank about having accounts frozen ensure you also send a letter recorded delivery to their head office stating this & that you accept absolutely no responsibility for any debts incurred on the named accounts subsequent to the date of the letter you have sent.
Banks don't always freeze accounts when they say they have. Make sure you keep a copy of the letter.

Have all child benefit tax credits sent to your own personal bank account under your own name.

Ring council tax office & tell them your living alone so you get discount on council tax.

Make an appointment with several solicitors & see where you stand legally. Might be worth speaking with CAB to see if they can help with benefits you may be entitled to.

Can you tell I've been there? I once said if I had a bottle of water & ex was on fire, I'd drink the water!

Tell family & friends you need moral support & shoulders to cry on & willing helping hands.

Good luck honey, sadly you are not alone.

kayah Sun 11-Sep-11 01:48:39

I can't imagine how you are filling now.

I hope you can tell everything about your situation to your family and your friends.

If anyone thinks that he left you because of your kids they are idiots, and even more so if they side with him.

Your dsd will be able to help you, but she isn't a grown up and she may get herself into a state - let her school know of change in her circumstances.

If you are her legal guardian now then that has to go through courts.
I am not sure is SS should be informed about how her parents acted?

I hope you've changed locks now....

he betrayed you...

I would get straight to a solicitor to get him paying his dues

what an utter and complete bastard he is ;(

HerRoyalNotness Sun 11-Sep-11 01:54:04

He needs to take responsibility for his oldest DD also. Why should he get to swan off into the blue yonder and leave everyone with his mess? If you think your DSD knows sit down and talk about it with her, what she wants to do. If you're going to have her with you, you'll need maintenance for 3 kids not 2.

It sounds like you are bring very practical, keep focusing on getting your finances sorted and the health of your children. I wish you all the best.

Nihilisticbunny Sun 11-Sep-11 02:04:47

Where are you littlemiss? That sounds so much to deal with, why on earth does your dsd's Mother not want her back?

I don't have much advice, but offer my sympathies, you have so much to deal with.

Get on to the benefits people asap, you do sound strong and able. You also need to claim for the dsd if she is young enough.

sleepevader Sun 11-Sep-11 03:05:24

Agree with others. What a bastard.

Claim whatever you are entitled to. Possibly income support ( I don't know your circumstances) and ask for backdating to date he left.

You may need to look at whether having step daughter Is now know as a private fostering agreement. Have a google as you may need to notify social services.

It's going to be a case of rolling your sleeves up and holding your head high. If I even got a whisper that anyone at the school gates was being unkind I would be livid and ask them if they knew where their partners were every minute of the day.

Thumbwitch Sun 11-Sep-11 03:31:23

ChippinIn said pretty much what I am thinking. It is rare for me to be completely shocked on the relationships boards these days but your fucker of an H has achieved it.

I am so sorry that you are in this godawful predicament. Your DSD might prove to be a huge help and support to you in that she is old enough to babysit your DS, not overnight but at least for some of the time. I am not suggesting that you lean on her emotionally of course, that would be wrong and she has enough to deal with re. her own parents abandoning her, poor kid - but practically she could be very helpful.

Bugger the other mums at the schoolgates - they should just say to themselves "there but for the grace of God go I" and STFU. Could happen to anyone.

Your SIL sounds like a peach as well - best get rid of that connection too, I feel.

And your poor baby!! Going through that hip thing, no fun at all! Someone I used to work with had that with her DD2 and it was hard with nappies and things, and the casts make it awkward.

Talk to CSA, talk to CAB - have you any of your own family you can call upon for help? Then divorce the arse off that fuckwit you had the misfortune to marry - ARRGHH!! He makes me so angry I want to pull his head off and piss down his neck! Hateful shitebag. Leaving his DC because it's "all too hard for him" - bloody kipper! (twofaced and spineless). angry

OK - I hope that you can find the strength you need to deal with all of this - remember to ask people for help. And above all, remember that any shame in this situation belongs directly to your prick H - feeble coward that he is. Running out on his children like that! Fucker.

planetpotty Sun 11-Sep-11 09:03:34

Chippingins post mirrors how I feel after reading your post sad

The I only thing I want to add is I promise you and your children will get through this and come out the other side Ask for as much help as you can from friends/family they will all want to help. I'm so sorry you are being put through this sad stay strong massive hugs and focus on getting through one day at a time smile

glasscompletelybroken Sun 11-Sep-11 09:49:42

he hasn't left because of the children's needsand he hasn't left because of anything you have done. he has left because he's a selfish, irresponsible, heartless, gutless waste of space.

Apart from all the very good practical advice you have had here I would say just don't look too far ahead. Focus on getting through today, then tomorrow and each day as it comes. If you start thinking "how will I cope when this happens, or when that happens?" you will talk yourself out of coping.

It's going to be really tough but you will cope. Always accept help when it's offered - you may be surprised where it comes from but just accept it.

Where in the country are you?

littlemissliedto Sun 11-Sep-11 10:20:12

Thanks every1. I've never asked 4 help in my life, but I'm learning. People have offered & I will start 2 accept it. Some1 I've known 4 years said the other day they'd never seen me cry or known me ask 4 anything so he knew things were bad!

I think glass is right & these last couple of days I have been talking myself out of coping... I'll get there cos I've got to 4 the kids! I will take it day by day & I'm sure I'll get used to the cast!

Didn't realise I'd got to get a private fostering arrangement in place 4 the DSD & social services is the last thing I need right now! will speak to her mummy dearest later on.

Apparently I've been told cos DD is under 3 and is breast fed, I can really limit his contact with her... Well he's done nothing 4 her up 2 now so why start now?!

Weekends seem worse - every1 off being happy families & here I am all alone realising what I took 4 granted has gone now.

I loved that man and he's completely thrashed everything I believe in... It's amazing how those feeling turn to something else.

He is a coward and A bastard - thanks mumsnetters for helping me recognise it!

Al0uiseG Sun 11-Sep-11 10:30:57

Rally sad state of affairs, H is a total prick, in fact I hope it falls off. Please get as much help and support in rl as you can. Plus a really good solicitor who will help you get a decent settlement.

sleepevader Sun 11-Sep-11 10:35:50

Social services may actually offer you help so dont worry about them being involved. Do check it is classed as a private fostering arrangement though.

Tomorrow get the benefits side sorted. Things are always better if you aren't skint!

theredhen Sun 11-Sep-11 11:48:01

I really admire your strength and courage and I agree with everyone else about what a loser your ex is and is family and ex wife! angry

You've had some good advice so far. I wanted to talk about being on your own at the weekends and feeling like you do. I remember feeling like you years ago, when I was first on my own and I found myself counting how many single people were in the cars coming towards me at weekends when I was driving and how many were couples! After a while though, I realised that I was better off alone and how much more freedom and time I had not having to cater for anyone elses needs.

You only have to read this board and the relationships board to realise just how unhappy some people are in relationships. Not everyone who is part of a couple is happy and you never know what goes on behind closed doors.

Grandhighpoohba Sun 11-Sep-11 12:27:09

Speak to the CSA about maintenance from DSD's mother as well as from her arsehole of a father - both of them are supposed to be responsible for their child, and are expecting someone who is no relation to her to do all the practical childraising! Poor girl, thank god she has you.

He's a twat, who will miss out on his children's life for the sake of a relationship he will no doubt screw up. Fuck him. angry

littlemissliedto Sun 11-Sep-11 13:18:06

My husband and his sister between them have the emotional IQ of a pineapple... to them, this is RL and my tears are my hormones getting the better of me!

DSD mum (despite being selfish in terms of 'her' life) is actually being very nice 2 me - tho not forthcoming with money, she did tell me to slap a CMO on him quick! She is very cross with him... probably cos she knows it'll make her look bad. Its 1 thing 4 your kids to live with their dads (she has 3 girls, 2 live with her exH), another for the eldest 2 live with her ex SM (as she's already labelling me).

I'm on mat leave at moment & have never claimed tax credits b4 ... will they be based on now or last year (when our wages put us above threshold)? will i get extra for DSD (as she isn't mine) and should i claim for disability allowance 4 DS with his hearing aids???? My God its a minefield. I know i'll get a blue badge 4 baby 4 12 months (the hospital sort that) but does that mean i get other stuff too? As the baby will b in plaster for up to 12 months I can't go back to work when I planned... there doesn't seem to be much online about what to do, where to get forms - unless i'm not looking in the right place!

yesterday I was an emotional wreck, now I'm miss practical... thanks all for your advice and support. I've gotquite a to do list and the tears have turned to anger now which is hopefully going to drive me through the practical stuff...

Its amazing what some good advice and not feeling so alone can do xxxx

Thumbwitch Sun 11-Sep-11 13:38:33

I think that the money side is why you have to go the private fostering route, Littlemiss - if it's made official that you are in loco parentis to your DSD, you should be able to claim money for her as well.

planetpotty Sun 11-Sep-11 14:09:44

Littlemiss been thinking of you all morning hope you're ok.

Go to CAB as soon as you can they will be able to help with advice on Money etc they are brilliant .... Also CSA website has a calculator on it which is a good place to start re money.

Hope the kids are being good for you and you have friends/family rallying around.

Ditto about asking for/accepting help.

Such a tough time for you but you can do this!! smile

slimbo Sun 11-Sep-11 16:22:34

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fuzzywuzzy Sun 11-Sep-11 17:13:44

Apply for whatever's going benefits wise, the worst they can do is turn you down.

You can't get tax credits back dated as far as I know, but you can put in a new claim as a single parent immediately & you will get something.

I'd check to see if you could claim disability benefit for both your little ones, their conditions sound severe.

Claim for everything going. And freeze all joint accounts, also move direct debits to your own account. Once accounts are frozen money cannot leave the bank accounts but it can go in.

Do the bank thing first thing, send a letter recorded delivery it's the best way to get anything done with banks.

And do accept help, all help. It's not easy to begin with, but it gets better I promise you that much.

MissIngaFewmarbles Sun 11-Sep-11 17:24:57

I know this isn't helpful but What The Fuckity Fuck???? What a nasty pathetic wankstainy bastard angry I don't have any practical advice I'm afraid, other than to keep talking both here and in RL. Contact your local SS office, thery should be able to advise you on DSD and benefits. I'm so sorry, what an awful situation for you all.

chelen Sun 11-Sep-11 18:13:29

Hi, sorry to read your post, a horrific thing to happen. You sound really amazing though. I just want to echo what a few people have said about help.

Perhaps with everything that's going on with your children at the moment you could get some support from the children's centre too, when my son was really ill and I was very down I had a support worker who came to visit. Just having that person who would listen and was helping me get stuff sorted for the kids was really useful. Also my HV was great and made extra visits. Basically I am saying take any additional support you can xx

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