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Hello everyone! Thank goodness I'm not alone!!!

(7 Posts)
bluebell8782 Fri 02-Sep-11 17:12:43

Hi,
I'm so glad to have found this site. It's quite reassuring to read so many stories that have similarities to my life - I'm not the only one going through the worries and stresses of being a step-mum!!

Little did I know how much venom and spite would head my way just because my DH had the cheek to fall in love with someone else after he and his ex broke up.

My DH and his ex moved in together years ago and within a few months she decided she wanted a baby. My DH said he didnt want a child and just wanted to have fun. (I know this doesnt sound great, he wasnt an angel back in the day but at least he was straight up with her.) Anyway, she decided to stop taking the Pill and fell pregnant. He stayed with her to raise my DSD but they eventually split for good as they just werent meant to be. The ex was cheating on my DH and moved her new bloke in a week after my DH left.

My DH was one of my best friends in a group and we all spent a lot of time together. Eventually I broke up with my boyfriend and a year later my DH told me he loved me. After the initial shock we got together and ended up married a year and a half later. (Best thing I have ever done!)

Since then my relationship has grown with my D8SD. We have her every second week and we get on like a house on fire. The only one who has a problem is the ex. She has such a chip on her shoulder because her life didnt turn out how she wanted it to - and so she takes it out on my DH and me.

I never bad mouth the ex in front of my SD no matter how boiling I am inside - in fact I make sure I say nice things about her and encourage my SD to draw her pictures and so on. Sometimes I worry that our relationship will suffer as the ex is determined to make out that we are incompetent and that we dont really know the SD at all. The fact that the ex never tells my DH anything about her school (reports always seem to get lost), never tells about school plays and dancing events obviously doesnt come in to it! hmm But I know my SD is pretty quick on the mark and I know she has already picked up on a few things her mum does and says that arent quite right.

I'm hoping that by being stable and open with my SD she will feel that she can relax with us and not worry about what she says as I know her mum puts limits on what she's allowed to say at ours. I dont care what her mum knows about us - I'm very happy and proud of my family.

Sorry if that was a little dull - there are a lot more juicy details to the story but I just can't write everything down. I just wanted to introduce myself and give a little background. I'm looking forward to being able to vent my frustrations about the ex to listening ears rather than my poor DH who absolutely loves his daughter but regrets ever having met her mother! I'm also looking forward to having advice from you guys when I'm feeling a bit lost on how to handle my SD.

Thanks for reading smile
Bluebell

Gingersnap88 Fri 02-Sep-11 22:22:15

Hello Bluebell smile
Yours certainly not alone, your post sounds like exactly something I would write about our problem with DSS's mum. You're doing the right thing though, by being positive and supportive and never stooping to her level. Your DSD is lucky to have you and hopefully she'll realise as she gets older.

I have a DSS who is 5, ANC we've been having a nightmare with his mum, especially now that I'm pregnant (even though she's had a DD with another man since DP). It's always been a problem though, she's very bitter and is willing to use DSS as a tool to attempt to hurt my DP. Sad thing is, it only hurts DSS sad

Woozlemum Sat 03-Sep-11 16:56:45

You sound like a lovely caring person and a great stepmum. As a stepmum myself who got together with my DP some months after he split from his ex - and we were friends for about a year before that, I can understand the venom and distrust - luckily my DSS is 3 going on 4 and is young enough to adjust now to the split family situation. DP and I have been together almost 2 years - getting married this month.

I think you just have to stay positive, be a good role model for DSD and be there for her!

Best of luck!

x

marshkat Sat 03-Sep-11 17:27:12

i think quite a lot of ex's have an issue with our situation as the children are sometimes treated as belongings, we have always consulted the kids on everything to do with there "real" mum, even the youngest who is nearly 5 but has been living with us full time for over 3 years. as long as the kids are happy, then you will always be doing the right thing. one day in the not too distant future they will be adults as well!!!!!!!

planetpotty Sun 04-Sep-11 20:45:14

Ha ha Bluebel I could have written that OP!

Welcome - she says being fairly newish smile

ladydeedy Mon 05-Sep-11 09:33:12

welcome indeed! you will find much support on here whether you just wish to rant or have a specific issue to deal with. It's been hugely helpful to know that there are others in same (or worse) situation and there's plenty of valuable advice to be had.
Be positive, do the right thing, and I wish you good luck!

bluebell8782 Mon 05-Sep-11 13:52:34

Thanks for your messages everyonesmile
Gingersnap - just seen your post on the other thread. Poor you - ex sounds a complete nightmare!
Just had a lovely weekend with SD. We were having a little chat at bedtime (she's 8 now) as I had noticed she seemed a bit upset when we picked her up from horseriding that day. Her mum doesn't like us being there (even though it's my DH's weekend) and of course made it uncomfortable by making comments in front of SD. Anyway, SD said she was fine and had wanted us to be there. I then said that although me and daddy were married I know I'm not her mummy as she already has one. She then interrupted and said: "Well you are kind of my mummy - you're my step-mummy!" and then gave me a kiss and a cuddle.
That was so encouraging as the ex will always say how little effect we have on SD and how it wouldn't matter if we werent in her life blah blah blah....
It's all so pathetic - does the ex not realise she's stiching herself up for the future? SD will wonder why daddy wasn't at certain events and why she wasn't at our wedding and so on..STUPID WOMAN!!
Thanks for the welcome everyone smile

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