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DSD not allowed to come to wedding

(13 Posts)
rspyac Fri 02-Sep-11 16:58:50

Next year, DP and I are marrying after 6 years together. DSD is 7 and stays with us for short trips– it’s an 800 mile round trip which DP makes in the other direction for the rest of the year.
Ex can be emotionally unstable and tends to the vindictive when upset. She has become better over time, though I am still a subject that she cannot cope with. We respected her wishes that I didn’t have contact with DSD until she was comfortable with it. This was the hardest and most difficult part of my relationship with my partner until I was finally allowed to meet DSD 6 months ago.
She is currently refusing to allow DSD to attend the wedding. I know my partner wants DSS there on the day. I also realise it could be intimidating and confusing for her.
Should we be pushing for her to attend? Or will we end up causing more damage than good?

We don’t want DSD to look back in the future and wonder why she wasn’t there – nor do we want her attendance to be the stimulus for months of derogatory comments & unrestrained remarks from her mother.

thisisyesterday Fri 02-Sep-11 17:01:10

i think your partner should have a good long talk with his ex and point out that by refusing to let DSD come she is essentially punishing her.
i can understand that she is finding it hard. but she shouldn't make things harder for her daughter sad

if she won't budge then I would consider doing something else wedding-y with DSD near the time, either before or after, so that she doesn't feel too left out. and maybe make her a little album of pics and sutff ike that?

PattySimcox Fri 02-Sep-11 17:01:41

The ex sounds unreasonable - surely it should be DSDs decision?

lateatwork Fri 02-Sep-11 20:45:00

DSD is 7 so am guessing a little too young to 'decide' whether or not she goes... its a family thing. If another family member was getting married, should DSD have a choice whether or not she attends... i dont think so...

BUT I am guessing if its taken 5.5 years to meet DSD, then the ex has serious control issues and I wouldnt rock the boat. I agree with TIY that something else weddingy maybe a better compromise.

create Fri 02-Sep-11 21:07:27

TBH, I can understand your frustrations, but if DSD would be 400 miles from home and presumably (because of distance) doesn't have a close relationship with anyone else who will be at the wedding, might it not be better if she wasn't there? Do you want your new DH to be completely ties up looking after his DD on your wedding day?

I don't think it's likely she'll look back and wonder why she wasn't there. The distance would be enough explanation IMO (if she's concerned at all)

plinkplonk Sat 03-Sep-11 16:27:24

Ah, that is really sad. Silly woman. I would do something to make dsd feel included - such as going out for a special lunch next time you see her and maybe buying her a silver necklace to mark the occasion. The album is a lovely idea.

Woozlemum Sat 03-Sep-11 16:47:45

It is tough - I'm quite lucky in the way that DP's ex hasn't seemed to express any feelings against DSS being at our wedding at the end of the month. Not sure how she really feels about it, but I think she is trying to be good and swallowing any pride and allowing him to be there to see DP's side of the family too. DSS spends a lot of time with my nieces and loves being with them and our families get on well together and all love seeing DSS. Him not being there wouldn't be right somehow, and I think the ex realises that.

I feel sorry that the ex still finds it hard to let go and hasn't let you meet your DSD for five and a half years, I feel really lucky I only had to wait 6 months (with most of that time spent having to be either out of the house, DP thinking of places to go with DSS when the ex didn't want DSS at our house, and then me locking myself in the bedroom when I couldn't be elsewhere!)

But 7 is a bit young to expect her to make a decision, will make her feel more in the middle of things, not wanting to upset either parent. Agree about doing something special with her, but that your DH to be does need to have a chat with his ex about it, discuss the option of doing something else wedding related with her so she doesn't feel left out or unwanted on the big day if her Mum really objects to it. Perhaps having a reasonable chat and options might help the ex to think a little more about it. You never know.

Georgimama Sat 03-Sep-11 16:52:55

Surely create the child's father's family (who comprise 50% of her blood relatives) will also be at the wedding? She must know a few of them?

I'm surmissing from the timescales that you were the OW, if so that is no doubt the source of ex's bitterness but no excuse to insist her daughter is absent from an important occasion in her father's life.

create Sat 03-Sep-11 18:33:37

Georgimama, of course her family will be there (and I'm only guessing) but if her father has mostly been making the 800 mile round trip to see her, as OP says, it seems unlikely that she can be close to any of them.

Georgimama Sat 03-Sep-11 18:39:54

<shrug> I only saw my aunts/uncles/cousins once a year. We were a very close family.

limetrees Sat 03-Sep-11 18:44:56

OP - were you the OW? Because I think that is relevant.

prettyfly1 Sat 03-Sep-11 21:43:29

I think even if OP were the OW five and a half years is a very long time to get used to someone and not having the child at the wedding is mums way of getting her own back - not a decision based on the childs needs at all. Its shitty and horrible if someone you love hurts you and leaves you for someone else and I can imagine it takes a very long time to recover but 6 years - smacks as revenge not care. And to be fair OP may not be OW. If the child was a year old there could be far more going on so I think assuming that is maybe a little unfair.

bluebell8782 Mon 05-Sep-11 17:28:08

I think the 'doing something weddingy' is a good idea. I also like the idea of creating an album and maybe including some comments from family members on the day especially to her?? When she's older she'll realise that although you wanted her there you also were doing what you thought was best.

It's an awful long way to go for a little girl and it will probably be stressful for your DH to be to on the day if she maybe gets upset with her mum not being there.

My DH's ex decided my SD wasnt going to our wedding two days before the event - even after it had all been planned out and agreed that she would be staying with her cousins who she gets on so well with. She had been so excited about it. It's so horrible how some people force their feelings onto their children. No matter how the adults feel about each other - it should never be the child's problem. Makes me so mad!

All that aside I do really think doing something before would be great and she really will appreciate the effort made when she is older smile

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