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How do you deal with the nasty comments about you?

(24 Posts)
planetpotty Mon 29-Aug-11 08:14:48

I have been SM to my DSD for 5 years now and we have a wonderful relationship (I dont over step the mark though). I have never knowlingly given the Ex Wife a minutes gip yet have been subject to seriously (cant even repeat most of it) nasty comments - to my DH, on the internet (FB) and even through my DSD!

How do you cope?? I have been brushing it off for years, and assuming if I ignore it she will tire of it but its not worked she just gets worse. My patience is wearing seriously thin....especially now DSDs 70 year old Gran has joined in smile

I know its all very juvenile and I shouldnt lower myself so looking for a survival tactic smile

ladydeedy Tue 30-Aug-11 08:13:47

Very hard- especially if you have been trying for years to ignore it. Survival tactic - feel sorry for her and her lack of self-esteem. She obviously feels the only way she can feel better about herself is by slating someone else. She is probably just jealous of you and your life - consider that. It used to make my blood boil the stuff DH's ex said and fabricated about me (and she still is, more than 10 years on) but I just think - you are nothing to me, I feel a bit sorry for the sad f*ck, and count myself superior!
She says a lot of stuff to my DSSs. They now understand that she's a liar anyway, but if they do repeat any of it I just say "what a shame that she thinks that" or "how sad, I hope she gets over whatever's bothering her soon..".
it's hard though - and completely sympathise!
Concentrate on looking after yourself.

planetpotty Tue 30-Aug-11 09:13:57

Thanks Lady - I know exactly what you are saying - will def use the "what a shame she thinks that" I think it bats it off, finishes the conversation but not abrubtly and is a good way for DSD just to be kept out of it.

My DC inc DSD the priority here (always will be) so the less bitchy and childish I can be the better but my god sometimes I want to climb up on my roof and tell the whole world what crap we have taken and how unjust, untrue and unfair it is ha ha I can picture myself doing it maybe in a wonder woman outfit just to top it off smile

Its hard being the bigger person when its over years and years sometimes I wan to to sink right down to thier level but I know deep down its really not worth it and thats not who I actually am. Very hard and a silly waste of energy!

Thanks again smile

ladydeedy Tue 30-Aug-11 12:13:43

hey you are welcome and I completely get where you are coming from. I found it very hard for many years because I felt that if they were saying something incorrect, the right thing to do is to correct it and I couldnt bear the perception (that I had) of DH;s ex "having the last word" on something. However I realised that if I did attempt to set the story straight it just fuelled the fire and she loved getting a reaction. Now, no matter what carp she comes out with, I just ignore. She hasnt reduced the amount much tbh, but at least I know, by not reacting, it doesnt go on and on....
Now, where is my wonder woman outfit... smile
Diversion tactics also work for me if I start getting cross - I go for a run or walk the dog, soon puts me in a better frame of mind!
good luck!!

MJHASLEFTTHEBUILDING Wed 31-Aug-11 22:52:51

Message withdrawn

2blessed2bstressed Thu 01-Sep-11 09:49:13

I really struggle with this too - I don't say anything to the dsd's, and they don't really say anything directly to me, but often after visits their mum will phone dp and hurl abuse at him, call me all sorts of horrible things and when he says "well that's not actually what happened" or "well that isn't what 2blessed said" then she says "so you're accusing your own child of lying then, are you? When dsd gets home, I'll be checking with her exactly what you did/said!"
I don't think the dsds (well possibly dsd1) are deliberately stirring things every time - I think dps ex is just permanently spoiling for a fight, and I have no idea why. It's been really getting me down for a while, and now it's actually making me ill sad

MJHASLEFTTHEBUILDING Thu 01-Sep-11 11:06:01

Message withdrawn

planetpotty Thu 01-Sep-11 13:06:18

Hello all,

MJ your right in both your posts and you need a serious sense of humour to survive a twisted up ex smile but its so bloody hard doing it year after year - Do you know what I sometimes think if I was actually an evil SM type she could cope with that and we would get less flack smile Ultimately I think once the situation reaches a certain point it does not matter what you do as a SM you will always be wrong.

2blessed I think what lady said about diversion tactics is a good one - go for run etc at times the crap has become all consuming and TBH I think they would love to find out it bothers us, and that they have air time. I think its the not being able to defend yourself that makes it hard. In no other area of my life would I put up with such crap from someone and the reason I do is actually for DSD arrrggghh just wish the ex could see I/we are genuine and not horrible monsters. Think MJ right about not justifying to the ex - maybe DH could just say "look nothing like that has or will ever take place here" just as a stock answer, maybe she will tire if he does not rise to it..... maybe smile

NB: I have lots of lovely lone parent friends and my Mum was one so please dont anybody think this post is anything to do with ex bashing - its not I promise smile Theres a right way and a wrong way and my DSD mum has chosen the wrong way at every turn. smile

planetpotty Thu 01-Sep-11 13:07:04

Very smiley post above there - over done a little sorry smile smile smile

MJHASLEFTTHEBUILDING Thu 01-Sep-11 17:05:53

Message withdrawn

2blessed2bstressed Fri 02-Sep-11 08:30:55

It makes sense! Thank you. It's just wearing me out, and I feel no matter what we do, its always going to be wrong.

TheBreadstick Fri 02-Sep-11 09:40:12

I also find pity works. Really, I mean, just think of all the negativity that goes into conjuring up these ridiculous accusations and name calling. That can't be good for anyones headspace.

In the meantime you can take the high ground, feel sorry for the ex and get on with your life knowing that you're the better person. Honestly, I'd hate to be as bitter as my OH's ex, it must be so draining.

At first it was hard to pity her, but now when I hear or see the snidey comments I just smile and think: "Poor Cow!" smile

HTH

ladydeedy Fri 02-Sep-11 12:19:31

also, in our case, exw would also say "I've made sure to tell all my friends and family what terrible people you are" etc... and I found myself saying in reply, quite honestly I couldnt give a hoot what your friends and family think. Why would I? These people mean nothing to me (even if she had tried to spread nastiness). So I just repeat to self - your life and your opinion is nothing to me... Or, as someone else put it once "What other people think about me is none of my business!"

planetpotty Fri 02-Sep-11 17:58:32

Your life and your opinion means nothing to me - Planets new coping with the ex mantra! hmm I think I may also need some skin toughening cream along with that though. I do know part of this is my fault as I let it get to me sometimes - its the comments about my kids that get me really angry.

As its the weekend im hoping everyone has a nice peacefull time and no nasty coments.

Thanks everyone for posting smile

Gingersnap88 Fri 02-Sep-11 22:16:51

I'm yet to find a method of coping with the constant barrage of insults and well, the level of spiteful ness. It's really hard but I just make sure that DSS never catches wind of it, even when he repeats unkind things. I try to rise above it but once alone with DP I do often have a rant and cry if it's been a particularly nasty comment blush (normally about my weight or our unborn child).

What the others have said is right though, you have to feel sorry for someone who has so much energy to put into this crap. And you can only hope that DSC will realise the truth as they get older, it is very hard though. Venting on here helps wink

LadyJustine Sat 03-Sep-11 15:44:43

I like to think of Jeremy Kyle laughing if she ever aired her woes to him. And I like to write long (very private, very secure!) messages in response to all her messages and death threats to me. And then I breathe out and put on my smiley face and love her child a little bit more for having such a crappy situation in his life.

My favourite silent response to her last death threat was "And will you need me to pick you up from the train station or will you finally manage to make it to the house your son lives in under your own steam? Perhaps it would be more convenient if I provided the knives. I know you'll expect me to wash them afterwards, so if you could keep the bleeding to a minimum, I'd appreciate that. Of course, I know you wouldn't go out of your way to do anything for me, so I expect you'll just ignore the last bit. I'll get the knives and the Vanish, dear. Wouldn't want you to expend any more effort than you usually do."

And then I write it on a bit of paper and sit in the garden and burn it, watching it float away as 'smiley face' returns and I remind myself that swans have an aura of calm and are paddling like billy-o under the water.

marshkat Sat 03-Sep-11 17:35:16

im soo shocked that these soo called mothers have the cheek to even think about saying cruel things about stepys! to be fair i expect my childrens mum is constantly slagging me off on facebook ect, but i just dont waste my time looking as im far to busy bringing up her kids! thank god for mumsnet!

LadyJustine Sat 03-Sep-11 18:30:05

Marshkat... how spot on! smile

My fave slagging off was when returning from holiday with her son (that I paid for) and she posted 'why is J's sister dropping him off and not J?' (because she wanted to give me a piece of her tiny mind about a message I'd sent asking for all his clothes to be returned - she keeps everything he goes with when he visits) I sooooo wanted to post 'because you are a lazy cow and if you had more mothering instinct than a crocodile, you'd be crawling over broken glass to see your child rather than making me run about finding transport to get YOUR child back to you' but 'because I'm far too busy bringing up YOUR child' would be a much more diplomatic response.

Is there a thread about bitchy comments towards step parents? I think there should be just so we can laugh about it instead of taking it to heart!

CrosswordAddict Sat 03-Sep-11 18:39:39

Try to fix it so that you don't see what is being said about you smile Then make sure in some devious way that they KNOW you don't pick up their comments. The whole thing falls flat if they know they can't reach you!

planetpotty Mon 05-Sep-11 16:30:25

LadyJ I think the best/worst/funniest/stupidest/most worrying comment so far is that im "riddled with nits". grin

ladydeedy Mon 05-Sep-11 17:01:11

Apparently I am "stupid" (despite my masters degree and proper grown up international travel kind of job!) smile

planetpotty Mon 05-Sep-11 17:32:41

Ladyd where do they dream this stuff up?

Ha ha apparently also the reason I was "riddled" was down to the fact we "dont clean". This all deduced having not set foot in the county my house is in let alone over the doorstep grin all very childish was nitgate smile

marshkat Mon 05-Sep-11 19:19:21

I think the childish comments are said because most of the time these women are still acting like children themselves, to get attention!!!!!!

planetpotty Mon 05-Sep-11 19:44:33

Ha just remembered at work during secret santa someone got some gimicky panic and bullsh~t buttons (big red stick to the wall buttons) when you press the bs one it said something like "WARNING, WARNING! Bullsh~t detected"........need to get me one of those to go with the mantra and skin thickening cream grin.

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