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Really need your help, so upset and angry

(29 Posts)
miniwedge Mon 22-Aug-11 18:05:19

I have a dd age 11 and dsd age 11.
Dp and I have been together since the girls were 3, we're very settled, very happy and getting married soon.

We have dsd roughly half the time, every weekend and most school holidays. Her home life with mum is pretty chaotic but seems to have settled more recently.

Dsd has always been really close to dp, to the point where it bas been difficult at times as she can be very jealous. ( understandably so, I know it must be tough for a child to share a parent)

Dp and I don't have huge rows, we are both very clear that we don't want the children to grow in a shouty or tense household. We haven't actually had a big row for at least 18 months.

Dp's relationship with dsd mum is not good, she will call dp to berate him for odd reasons in front of dsd. For example, earlier this year we paid for dsd to go to France on a school trip. We had agreed to pay half each with dsd mum, she didn't pay a penny, so we said we would pay it all but she would have to do the passport. She didn't, she called dp when she picked dsd up from school one day and screamed down the phone that he never gives her anything and basically doesn't care.... It turned out she had lost the forms.

She doesn't acknowledge dp when he drops off or picks up, she accuses him of being aggressive if he disagrees with anything. For example, she wanted to set dsd up on facebook, he said no, she went into a odd rant on the phone in front of dsd saying he was threatening her.

Anyway, we were due to pick dsd up this morning, we have a holiday booked from tomorrow for a week. The two girls planned it together, it's their birthday treat.
Dsd mum called at half nine last night, she says dsd isn't coming and she's scared of dp. Apparently she had told her mum that she has witnessed violent rows and she doesn't want to see dp anymore.

She has told some pretty outrageous lies before if she wants to see friends instead of coming here and it transpires that her siblings are having a day out today.

I can't believe she is scared of dp, she has just spent a whole week with dp on her own and they had a whale of a time.

Any advice at all would be good, dp is devastated, he cried this morning. sad

MJHASLEFTTHEBUILDING Mon 22-Aug-11 20:26:39

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miniwedge Mon 22-Aug-11 20:44:19

Hmm, have spoken to dsd mum. She is saying no contact until dsd has had counselling. What the actual fuck!

Dsd does not need counselling, she is a normal if spoilt child.

We had issues with school refusal a while ago, basically, she wasn't doing her homework with mum so was inventing illnesses rather than go to school. Then she was scared of school........

I honestly think she wanted to do the day out with mum and then come here but her strop has snowballed.

What on earth do we do now though? I don't think she's scared of her mum, I think she is toobaprehensive to come here now though because I think she thinks she's in for a rollicking.

Dp is utterly devastated. So am I. We are in limbo, dsd mum said she might let us see her for a couple of hours tomorrow but actually, we have a holiday booked that we saved for and it's not fucking fair that dd is going to miss out on her summer holiday and birthday treat because of dsd and her mum.

So we are expected to sit around and await the whim of an eleven yr old.

MJHASLEFTTHEBUILDING Mon 22-Aug-11 20:56:42

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MJHASLEFTTHEBUILDING Mon 22-Aug-11 20:58:00

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ChippingIn Mon 22-Aug-11 21:02:49

Go on your holiday. You or DP speak to his daughter tonight and tell her what her options are (come or don't basically) - but don't let her and her Mum spoil your holiday any more than they have already.

I don't understand why people do what they do. How the hell can she put her daughter through this - no matter what her beef is with your DP.

Smum99 Mon 22-Aug-11 23:35:08

Definitely go on the holiday - Chippingin & MJ are spot on. Poor DSD she is likely to have pressure applied to her in some form. She may eventually see the light when she is older.

DH's ex used to try something similar with the bullying accusations such that DH stated that all calls in future would be recorded as he was very comfortable with his discussions.. surprise, surprise the accusations stopped.

miniwedge Tue 23-Aug-11 09:51:07

We're "not allowed" to talk to dsd now........

Dp doesn't want to go on holidAysays it's not going to be a holiday now. He's so cross and sad.

Dsd mum came out with the classic, dsd loves him but doesn't like him. Fucking bollocks, thet have so much fun together. He is such a softy with both girls, it's me who does the saying no.

I haven't really slept I'm so wound up.why the fuck should we be in the position where we're not even able to talk to her and having to defend our home life against an eleven yr olds strop.

Dd knows something is up. We saved for this and this is the last of our holiday allowance, it's been ruined and the whole thing is such a mess.
I even had dsdon mothers day the last two years in a row because her mum was "busy".

Every weekend we do nice things, make things fun. She spent last Sunday with her dad making cookies for her mum and siblings with dp for fucks sake.

Sorry, I'm ranting but I'm just so frustrated.

miniwedge Tue 23-Aug-11 09:57:23

Sorry, that last bit reads a bit funny, dp is dsd dad. He spent Sunday afternoon with dsd making cookies for her to take back to her mums.

MJHASLEFTTHEBUILDING Tue 23-Aug-11 10:02:36

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LtEveDallas Tue 23-Aug-11 10:05:05

MiniWedge, I understand that your DP is unhappy, I really really do, but you MUST go on this holiday. even if its just you and your DD. You cannot allow DPs Ex or your DSD to spoil the fun for your DD as well.

Fine, if DSD doesnt want to go, then she doesnt have to, but why should your DD lose out as well? It strikes of noses/faces and will breed so much resentment.

Please dont punish DD for the actions of DSD sad

miniwedge Tue 23-Aug-11 10:20:08

sad I know, I think we should go as well.

Have just text dsd mum to see if there is any change. Doubt if she'll even answer.

I'm going upstairs to talk to dp now, he's still in bed....... I think I'm going to insist we go. He can stay behind of he wants but dd shouldn't miss her birthday treat.

Thanks for all your support, it's very much appreciated. smile

cloudpuff Tue 23-Aug-11 10:20:41

I would say also to get yourself on holiday, its not fair on your dd or any of you. Your dd may resent her step sister if she can't go on holiday because of her step-sister, which will cause more problems down the line. I understand your dp being upset but maybe some time away will give dsd some time to think too. If you dont go on holiday its sends the wrong message. What if dsd refuses to come to your wedding, will it be cancelled also?
If dp is still adamant that he's not going could you get a family and another child to take his and dsd's place and still go?
Hope it all works out for you.

ladydeedy Tue 23-Aug-11 11:28:11

also dont bother contacting the mum. She probably loves the fact that you are all cross and upset and waiting for any signal that DSD may want to go along and that you are holding off from going on your holiday because of what she's created.
Just go. DSD needs to understand that you dont all dance to her (her mother's) tune of the moment.

theredhen Tue 23-Aug-11 12:08:20

miniwedge, what did DP say?

I too agree with everyone else that you musnt be held to ransom like this as it will just escalate and this will just be the tip of the iceberg.

I think you certainly need to go ahead with the holiday for your DD sake but if DP doesnt' come with you, I still think this sends the wrong signal to DSD as she then knows she can split up the family into "her side" and "your side" sad

WkdSM Tue 23-Aug-11 12:16:24

When he was 10 my SS1 called me and was really rude (put up to it by exw) - ended up telling DH he did not want to come on hols with us. DH said - fine, until you apologise for your behaviour we will not take you anyway. Took SS2 to Florida and had a really good time - I think until the last moment when we picked SS2 up, SS1 thought we'd back down and take him. It showed him that we mean what we say and he couldn't manipulate us.
He is 20 now and we have just got back from a lovely holiday with him and his gf.
Stay firm - go on hols as a unit - even if it upsets DP - it is worth it to set the boudaries for future acceptable behaviour.

HattiFattner Tue 23-Aug-11 12:33:08

Id go on hols - definately. Have a lovely time, enjoy yourselves and its OK to feel sad that DSD is not there to share - but what can you do?

As DSD is now 11, Id get her a mobile phone, and let her have facebook, on condition you and dad are her friends. Then you can keep in touch with her directly.

Oh and make sure you send DSD some nice postcards, wishing she was there! ANd show her all the fun stuff she missed...

As a slight comparison, we were on hols last week and DD (14) was taking forever to get going in the morning and moaning about everything.....so one morning after I told her we were leaving (back packs on, keys in hand) and she replied she just needed to go to the loo....after waiting 10 minutes, I got in the car and left with her brothers. SHe was stuck at the site with her grandparents with nothing to do. AFter that, she was always ready on time. SOmetimes you have to stand firm and let the kids know that they are not running things and that you will not change your plans for them.

If DSD doesnt want to see you....fair enough, give her space. I bet that mum will suddenly have a change of heart once she is expected to have DSD every weekend and holidays.

Also, sounds a bit "munchausens" to me - mum making up illnesses and mum saying DD needs counselling.....theres not much you can do about it, other than maybe raise your concerns with the school and ask them to keep an eye on attendance and reasons for absence as well as general well being?

miniwedge Tue 23-Aug-11 18:37:42

Thanks all.

Dp came downstairs shortly after I posted this morning and has said we are stil going. He text dsd and said she is welcome to join us if she changes her mind.

Her mum text me this morning and said she will "look into counselling" but will be giving dsd space this week. She is insisting no contact at all and also said she had shown dsd my text and dsd has said she wants me to leave her alone....

I have replied to say that this cannot continue indefinitely and that it is important that dsd sits down with both her mum and my dp to talk together. They are both her parents and they need to show they're united. Also said it is not her place to refuse contact, if she wants to go down that route she needs to go through the proper channels and explain fully her reasons backed up with credible evidence.

Havent had a reply. Text was sent with dp's blessing by the way. Dsd's mum seems to want to communicate through me at the moment bbut I'm getting pissed off with the text festival. She needs to start acting like an adult and talking.

Have discussed a cut off point with dp, ie if there is no movement by the end of this week we need to get solicitors involved again. Dp has pr and a contact order that awards roughly 50% of the time.

miniwedge Tue 23-Aug-11 18:38:50

Sorry, missed bits.

Dsd has face book but we are blocked. She also has a blackberry.

MJHASLEFTTHEBUILDING Tue 23-Aug-11 19:16:12

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MJHASLEFTTHEBUILDING Tue 23-Aug-11 19:17:36

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ChippingIn Tue 23-Aug-11 19:37:50

I'm glad you are still going. It's important to still take DD and it's important to let the ex and DSD see that you will not be manipulated.

I would (as I'm sure you do!!) take anything the Ex says that DSD has said with a grain of salt.

I feel sorry for DSD it must be awful to be stuck between her parents, BUT your DP needs to show her how much he cares about her by following up with his order and making his ex take a back seat in their arrangements.

ChippingIn Tue 23-Aug-11 19:38:37

And do as MJ suggested - leave this at home. Have a good holiday and deal with it when you get back.

Can you take one of DD's friends with you?

miniwedge Wed 24-Aug-11 10:22:39

Thanks again all.

We are off tonight, it's a bit late to bring a friend for dd but we'll make it as fun as we can.

Dsd mum is still refusing to talk. Sent a few very long texts last night that just say this is unusual behaviour for dsd and needs to dealt with by a professional. hmm

We have replied that actually it's not unusual, she has done this several times before when she didn't want to go to school\back to her mum etc. She has always had a bit of a tendency to fib if she wants or doesn't want to do something.
also stated that we will have to take this further if contact is still being refused by the end of the week.
Unfortunately, I suspect that at the moment in her mums house it is all poor dsd, don't worry we'll protect you blah blah. And to be fair, what child wouldn't make the most of a situation where everyone is pandering to you.

So, we're still in limbo but dp is now getting angrier and angrier. We talked last night about leaving them to it and calling their bluff. Dsd mum relies on us for a lot of things so i doubt she can go very long without needing to open up communication again.
Dsd being as spoilt as she is won't want to miss out for very long either.

I think she has blocked me on blackberry messenger now as well. I suspect that's probably her mums doing.

miniwedge Sat 27-Aug-11 17:16:15

Just wanted to give you an update. Dsd mum text on Thursday to say that she was phoning the court to have the contact order cancelled........

This was after dp tried to call her to see if there was any change. She is still refusing to talk to him and is still refusing any form of contact with dsd. She sent a bizarre text accusing dp of not caring for dsd and forcing contact with her.

We are at a loss what to do next. Dsd has been happily updating her social network all about various shopping trips this week and has stayed at her friends house the last couple of days. This despite her mum telling us via text that she is emotionally traumatised and too distressed to talk to anyone.....

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