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At the end of my tether with his ex

(6 Posts)
Gingersnap88 Fri 19-Aug-11 10:55:51

Am seriously fed-up and need a mini rant even though I know it's totally self indulgent so I apologise in advance!

We have been having problems with DP ex for the last 3 years (since we got together). They have a son together, who is 5, who I have a great relationship with. She has always been incredibly jealous and spiteful, often resorting to calling me names and harassing me via facebook or by sending him hundreds of vile text messages. I've tried to be friendly towards her, to re-assure her that I wasn't trying to be DSS's mother as it were, and that I understood that it must be hard.
Last Sunday she found out that DP and I are pregnant with our first child (she found this out from DSS who waited 2 weeks to tell his mum). She went absolutely mad and sent hundreds of vile messages to DP about me and the "thing" (our baby). I have been in bits about her behaviour before, but now that I'm pregnant it's even worse.
What I struggle with is that she had a DD 18 months ago with her DP (even though they had only been together 2 months) so I don't feel that she has the right to be so jealous and angry. When I try to reason it out I wonder if she's unhappy in her relationship (she's always telling DP that she is) and that's why she can't see us getting on.
But honestly, the stuff that she has been saying is just not on. She refuses to mention me by name, only using swear words or derogatory terms. She has told DP that his contact with DSS will stop once the baby is born because DP will love our child more (which obviously isnt true). She even started saying completely irrational things such as "you're going to have to choose" and "she will always choose her child over ours". Now, while I understand some of her frustrations this is just plain bonkers. I love DSS and I feel sorry for him being stuck in the middle of this horrible situation, I have tried to make him feel as included as possible with the pregnancy so that he knows that this baby is really a part of him.
When we found out that she was pregnant with her DD we were really positive to DSS because we knew how daunting a pregnancy for a child can be, we reassured him and always always said positive things to him about his sister. We always ask about her and include her in conversation because we understand that she's his family. However, his mother has told us in no uncertain terms that DSS doesn't want another sibling and that he's lying to us about being excited because he scared daddy won't love him anymore. This is just sick, why can't she be positive like we were for her?
It actually turned out that DSS had some behavioural problems after his sister was born because her dad moved in at the same time and I think it was all a bit much for him but we supported him through it anyway.
His mother has always used him as tool to try and hurt DP, often stopping contact when she is jealous. When DSS first met me and his mum found out, she wouldnt let DP see him for 3 weeks! We finally have a court order now but the whole thing is just so ugly and stressful.
She was investigated by social services 6 months ago and blames it on me even though I had absolutely nothing to do with, she stopped contact then aswell.
I suppose this rant is pointless but it's just so hard and I'm at the end of my tether. I find the abuse really upsetting and I just want to get on with my family, which is DP, DSS and bump. I just don't understand why she has to hurt her child to try to get at DP? It seems so utterly wrong.

Thank you for listening.

Maiavan Fri 19-Aug-11 11:03:45

Oh Ginger what a horrible situation. Congrats on you pregnancy ;)

I dont have advice as I need to dash out but will be back just now. I feel for you, I really do.

chelen Fri 19-Aug-11 11:54:17

Goodness, I am so sorry I don't have advice for you. Congratulations on your pregnancy, I wish I knew what to say but I have never dealt with this type of open hostility (we get the more 'keeping up appearances whilst being really passive-aggressive' crap mostly).

Whatever happens do try to keep calm and focus on growing your baby as much as you can x

Chocster06 Fri 19-Aug-11 11:57:39

That's awful, you poor thing. What she's doing does sound wrong. You sound like you're doing all the right things! Just try to remember that while you can't control what goes on at DP's ex's house, you can control what goes on in yours. Do your utmost not to respond to it (and I know this is hard), ignore or block fb msgs and texts (perhaps send a message first telling her that given the nature of her communications, contact between the two of you doesn't appear to be helpful for anyone, at least for the time being), and continue to make sure that DSS has a loving, stable home whenever he's with you and your DP.

redfairy Fri 19-Aug-11 16:39:21

I agree with chocster that you should limit your contact with DSD's mum while she is being vile. The only thing I could add and this is no way excusing her behaviour but it cut me to the quick when I found out my XDP's partner was pregnant with his baby. It took me along time to come to terms with it and I was angry with myself for being affected by it. I had the fears that my Ex would no longer love DD as he did before after all..up til then the one thing I has which his new GF didn't, was the parental bond. Rationality does't come into it but she is obviously hurt by it. Sadly she is not keeping her pain to herself but given her track record of insults and namecalling I don't think you could have expected any different.
Try not not let it bring you down and keep things calm and consistent on your end even if you can't control what goes on elsewhere.

Gingersnap88 Fri 19-Aug-11 17:13:52

Thank you for the reassurances, I sometimes sorry that I'm going mad!
I don't have any contact with her myself, not since I blocked her on Facebook. However she frequently texts my DP and he always argues back sad he gets so fed up with her behaviour. I keep asking him just to ignore it because hopefully she'll lose interest but he just can't seem to do it (or won't). When he argues back she then refuses to share important information with him, such as DSS needing a tooth out, or his school report. It's terrible.

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