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Please tell me this isn't normal :(

(13 Posts)
ehedydd Tue 16-Aug-11 12:00:31

Just come back from the holiday from hell with pil, dp, ds and ss. From the time we got there all it was was swearing from ss, demands to have toys constantly, tantrums and screaming fits when walking down the street and refusal to eat food!

PIL constantly undermined dp when it came to discipline....giving him pop, sweets and chocolate when ss refused to eat his food, laughing when he kicked mil and dp and when he told dp to f off, gave into everything he wanted and bought him no less than 8 toys!

I detached detached and detached, kept my mouth shut and walked off when all of this was happening on a daily basis but oh my goodness I have never witnessed anything like this in my life before, it was disgusting and I feel so sorry for my dp as everything he tried was just undermined by his parents sad Our ds was traumatised by it and even began screaming when his hb came near him sad

Please tell me this is not normal behaviour from pil and ss sad

theredhen Tue 16-Aug-11 12:09:36

How old is DSS?

Sounds like PIL have no idea when it comes to parenting and don't want their grandson to grow into a nice young man. sad

As for DSS behaviour, I honestly believe there is no behaviour that can't be tackled but while PIL are teaching DSS that negative behaviour gets rewarded, he won't change.

Next time, I would certainly be avoiding any holiday with PIL's.

ehedydd Tue 16-Aug-11 12:47:40

DSS is nearly 7, they reward negative behaviour and there are no rules or boundaries. He is allowed to do and speak as he wants, he gets everything he asks for regardless of the cost.

E.g Sun - got up and ate 2 packets of millions sweets, dp said it's beakfast time here's your toast, ss refused to eat it, mil gave him 2 kit kats instead because he wanted them, we went for a fry up, ss kicked off in cafe re his breakfast, hitting the table, shouting that he wanted beans on toast and no orange juice, dp said eat the beans and toast and leave the rest, mil got up and cleared everything off his plate and got him a can of coke, he didn't eat the beans and toast only drunk the coke! Went around the shops in every shop they bought him a toy! Come the evening on way out for food mil allowed him to eat a pack of starbursts, got to restaurant, mil bought him coke again, ordered food, ss refused to eat it unless he could have a sip of coke, dp took coke off him until he had eaten his food, mil gave him the coke back, he ate 2 chicken nuggets! Went back to caravan site, fil bought him a big rock dummy which he proceeded to suck like a 3 year old, me and dp had a chocolate cake, ss demanded some dp said no as you haven't eaten your food, mil then proceeded to buy him a powerade drink!! DP ordered a pizza for himself, ss wanted one so dp got him one on the condition that he eat it as he'd had nothing to eat all day, ss ate 1/4 of it and fil ate the rest pretending that ss had eaten it!

And that's only 1 day of the holiday!! I'll never be going with them again it was hell, I'm just not used to people behaving like that, it's abnormal to me!

There are other issues too such as pil blatantly favouring ss over ds, fil says in front of me re ss my favourite gs, my most important gs etc whilst looking at me to see my reactions, they have not bought our ds ANYTHING EVER, not a pack of wipes or a babygrow!

Sorry that was very long, it's just getting me down big time sad

bumpybecky Tue 16-Aug-11 13:13:31

that is not normal!

I think I'd completely cut contact with PIL. They aren't doing anyone any favours behaving like that sad

I think you need a holiday to recover!

Beamur Tue 16-Aug-11 13:16:33

What a nightmare! PIL are badly overcompensating and creating a horrible situation here.
Can your DP talk to them about this?
If not, I would avoid going on holiday with them again.

overmydeadbody Tue 16-Aug-11 13:25:08

That is definately not normal!

How often does your DP see DSS? How often do the grandparents see DSS? Is your DP involved in his day to day life and general parenting or only on holidays? Something's gotta change here fast before your DSS is conditioned to behave like tihs all the time

Does your DP stick up to his parents or let them be in charge?

ehedydd Tue 16-Aug-11 13:26:07

DP is a funny one, sometimes yes we can talk about it but other times he gets defensive, sometimes I think he's given up as he's undermined at every turn. PIL are trying to overcompensate and they are very overbearing, when ss is with his mum they call there every day and ring her to see if he wants to go up to them then they diss her saying she doesn't want him and she's happy to palm him off on them and when it's time for him to go back to her the say 'she's taken him back the f*ng old c**t'!! Heck it's awful!

stabiliser15 Tue 16-Aug-11 13:35:20

ehedydd I really sympathise. My PIL have had an awful lot of time with DSD as they have always looked after her (since 3 months old) when her mum and DH worked. It means that, since DH and his ex split, PIL have had a lot more time with DH than he has. It is lovely for PIL and DSD to have so much time together, but it means the lines have become somewhat blurred in terms of the parenting.

It was easier after DSD started school and spent less time with PIL, but because of the relationship, they feel very entitled to "parent" and it is very difficult when DH is with them and DSD. PIL's attitudes to following instructions from parents should be (and has been!) a whole other thread, but essentially they ignore DH and allow DSD whatever she wants, regardless of DH's requests.

DH doesnt want to fall out about it, and his parents would and do take any suggestion of amending their approach as deliberate criticism of everything they think and do. It now matters less because PIL have DSD just 2 afternoons after school so to a certain extent, events have overtaken the problem. The only way we could deal with it without causing a huge issue was to try and overlook it, and make sure DSD knew that when it was just us, our rules applied.

However, if PIL undermine me when DD is a bit older, we'll have to find a way to deal with it, so will be watching this with interest to see if someone more experienced comes along with some great advice!

ehedydd Tue 16-Aug-11 13:42:05

Dp works 12/14 hour shifts 5 on 3 off so I would say in a week he sees him around 4 days out of 7 that is if ss is with dp's parents. The court order states that dp is to have ss on his 2nd and 3rd rest days....BUT because pil interfere so much this isn't stuck to so the mother may have ss on dp's rest days so dp doesn't see him! When ss is with his mother pil will call with her everyday and ring everyday to see if she wants him to go to them, they are very overbearing, which results in ss being with them 80% of the time as she doesn't want to say no to them as she knows what side her bread is buttered on so to speak and they never say no to her as they think she'll stop them seeing him!

Dp I think has given up to an extent as his parents act like ss parents and do not let my dp play the parenting role, his says something and they say the opposite.

Pil aren't keen on ss coming to our house as we have rules and boundaries here and he can't do what he likes when he's here and if we enforce these he runs to pil and has a massive strop. e.g. he kept on turning the outside tap on and running off, he was told 3 times to stop it and dp gave him a big row and consequence the 3rd time and he went to pil crying where they mollycoddled him and bought him a toy.

ehedydd Tue 16-Aug-11 13:48:51

stabiliser15 it's hard going isn't it, they try to undermine me with our ds but I do put my foot down...our son our rules. I try to detatch as much as possible but it's very difficult. There is also a massive difference in the way they treat ss and our ds in every possible way.

When our ds was a few days old fil tols my mum not to do anything to help us with ds as him and his wife wouldn't be doing anything for us as they did everything for ss mother and she was horrible to them!!!

Fil told me that when I go back to work not to expect him to look after ds to find childcare elsewhere (I'd not asked him as I don't want my ds exposed to the behaviour that goes on there) whereas ss mother doesn't work (no reason) yet they drive across town to pick ss up from her house to take him to school AND they pick him up for her AND they take her shopping AND buy all his uniforms etc when she lives 5 min walk from school!!

chelen Wed 17-Aug-11 19:43:27

Its not normal. My parents have been total tw*ts at times with my SS, my mum I think feels sorry for him so she has intervened when my OH (the child's actual FATHER!!!!!) disciplines/guides him in relation to food (my mum is odd about food anyway).

So I had to say to them we won't eat with them again. They have stopped being total kn*bs but still try it on at times.

I would make sure never to go on hols with them again, and I would tell them why. But then I'm always up for a row....

ehedydd Thu 18-Aug-11 11:13:04

I'll never go on holidays again with them not even for 1 night after that weekend. I can honestly say that not one bit of the weekend was bearable.

I am getting to the point now where if I and my ds have to put up with behaviour like that again I'll be saying straight away!

HansieMom Thu 18-Aug-11 23:39:10

They are creating a monster! Isn't it sad that a little boy is on such a path? Is your DP just going to give up? How about having him read this and perhaps it will open his eyes.

I have three GS of similar ages, 7, 5 and almost 5. They are delightful boys.

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