at a loss at what to do now re DSS's mum

[ladydeedy]

Sorry, just have to get this off my chest! Some of you know my situation - DH has two sons, older one lives with his mum, younger one left after very difficult time at his mum's and has lived with us since.
EXW has been very difficult over pretty much everything and has extremely poor relationship with younger DSS, blaming him for "deserting" her but mostly for the impact this has had on her financially (no longer receives maintenance for him, child benefit or tax credit).
DSS has dealt with situation very well. His brother however has recently been brought into the middle of things. EXW wife has told older DSS he is not allowed to invite his brother to their house (is school holidays, we live in walking distance and they'd love to spend time together during the day time). EXW has also stopped older boy from visiting us for the occasional meal during the week by basically emotionally blackmailing him. Suspect weekend visits will now be in jeopardy too. She has threatened this anyway. Unfortunately and understandably he is going along with her wishes as he feels it's more important to keep her happy and not go against her wishes, although he can see she's being unreasonable.
This kind of behaviour is not unusual from her. Just a bit exasperated at what we can do - presumably nothing really without it becoming a drama which she would absolutely love.
My other concern is that we have a weekend booked abroad with both boys soon. If she decides at last minute not to let him go that's money, opportunity and family time wasted. I'm tempted to give his place to someone else (younger DSS's best friend) and pay for the airticket change now, rather than have a wasted opportunity, although that would be punshing the older boy myself in practice which I want to avoid!!
Dilemma..

[wakeupandsmellthecoffee]

There is no dilemma . Dont do it . You are giving the older boy a bad message if you cancel his place and give it to someone else. You are the bad person . If you hold on and he does loose his place well he is no worse off and his mum will look like the bad one . Tough as this is ,it might spur him on th realise that things need to change and he needs to stand up for himself against her .

[ladydeedy]

I know - it feels like I am working with her, by assuming she will do the wrong thing and then reinforcing that by pre-empting. Still makes me cross that she can compromise our family time though!!

[wakeupandsmellthecoffee]

It is what it is . If you try not to react she is blowing in the wind . Just try to support older DSS.

[Smum99]

Sadly there is nothing you can do, at some stage the older boy will wake up to the situation and at least he will be able to reflect that you did whatever you could.
In our situation the ex always made the family holidays an issue, we would never know if DSS would actually be able to go on holiday with us..if the passport would fail to arrive, if she would cause major arguments before we left etc. At one stage we did have a holiday without DSS as I had some difficult health issues and really needed a stress free break. A friend warned me that I would be dammed if did and dammed if I didn't. I do however regret our choice so would advise you to continue to invite both DSSs and hope for the best.

[Lonnie]

Cant you check with travel agent if this can be done last minute if there is an issue?

[ladydeedy]

Just an update on this - we have just returned - the 3 of us. The mother basically emotionally blackmailed the older boy so he felt he couldnt go. He is so cross and upset about it (probably more than we are).
As usual - it was the "I've asked mum and she said she'll let me know nearer the time.." and then last minute (after we had called, not proactive on her part at all) we spoke to him and he said she was making it very difficult for him to go and that it was "easier" for him to stay at home with her.
Such a cow.

[ladydeedy]

Ah thanks MJ. Was kind of hoping that now he is 17 he might be able to be a bit more assertive but I know deep down that it is impossible to reason with her because she simply cannot deal with anything as an adult. So we've no further plans which may be scuppered (for us) by the exw. DH and I are going away on hols early Jan on our own. The DSS who lives with us will go and stay with his grandma (as opposed to his mother as she would simply refuse or alternatively agree at first and then change her mind at last minute!). Tired of it... years and years and still she cannot accept the fact that her exh has "moved on" and she simply is not able to....
thanks for moral support.

[ladydeedy]

I was thinking - are you planning another Stepmother's weekend away next Spring? I was unable to get to this year's one. Let me know! would love to get that in the diary!