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Disheartened and sad today.

(5 Posts)
mudpuddle Mon 01-Aug-11 16:06:46


Not a regular poster- (more a browser) and have namechanged as I worry constantly about being spotted in RL, but just needed a rant- hopefully in the company of others who might have been there...

I have DSC whom we see most weekends and also a DC. I have been part of their lives for 9 years. They are lovely children, like most they have their moments though. Our relationship is good, but I admit to not feeling about them as I do my DC though they are NEVER treated differently by me.

Anyway, why is it that throughout the years of general parenting I have done, I am apparently good enough to feed, ferry, entertain, dress, comfort and love my SC, often doing the pickups and drop offs, running to various hobbies etc, but am NOT good enough, it appears, to have much of a say in decisions relating to them or to sanctions etc. I mean in DP's eyes.

We constantly co-parent our own DC- discuss the highlights of the day, the low points, behaviour. He will talk about her till the cows come home. He is not willing to discuss such things about DSC. Well, the good bits- yes. But not behavioural issues/more negative things. If I ever bring anything up it is met with a roll of the eyes. "I'll sort it". The resulting "sorting it" usually means an in-depth discussion with the DSC- like he is chatting with a mate (and I know some issues may be resolved like this, but not all) usually ending with smiles all round and the DSC with no real idea that anything they did was wrong. I am not allowed an opinion on this, if I were to offer one he would bite my head off.
I have realised that this has been happening more as the DSC have got older.
I just feel down about it today- after an important issue with one of the DSC which affects our own child also , and once again I have been given short shrift for trying to help. It is the eve of three weeks summer contact today which probably doesn't help, but I just feel crap about it all.

I have probably made DP sound awful, but he is a usually a wonderful man, it is just in regards to this issue. Sorry for the long post, off for a glass of wine I think....

ladydeedy Mon 01-Aug-11 16:14:33

bit early for a glass of vino but can understand! Must be very tough. I dont really have any advice other than, when it affects your own DC, then it IS your business and he should listen and respond appropriately. When it doesn't.. then far more difficult to handle unfortunately.
Sounds like you have a good relationship with your DP - maybe tackle him about it calmly when the DSCs have gone... And explain how it makes you feel and the imapct it is having on your DC.

mudpuddle Mon 01-Aug-11 16:29:44

Thanks for replying.

I think on the issue that has occurred today, which does definitely affect our DC, I will have to stand my ground. I wouldn't bother about other issues so much, if I wasn't expected to/enjoy being a parent to them in other respects if that makes sense?
And I have enjoyed parenting my DSC. I don't profess to try and be a mum to them- they have a very good one of their own. But DP and I have worked things very much like we do with our DC- sharing lots of the 'chores' but if anything, me probably doing more of the putting to bed, tending to if sick etc. I like it and wouldn't want that to change- but at the same time, I am not seen as equal when it comes to contributing to discussions about behaviour etc.
I will have to see what these 3 weeks bring I think.

brdgrl Mon 01-Aug-11 16:53:22

I'm sorry you're disheartened today.

Don't worry about anyone identifying you from that post, because they'll think it's me that wrote it! grin Really - I identify so much. When it comes to DD, or even with DSS, DH and I can share our feelings, roll our eyes, have a moan...but not when it comes to DSD. Immediately I say anything that is the tiniest bit less than positive, and the defenses are up, and it goes downhill. Also, like you say, DH's preferred approach with DSD is a "chat" where he talks to her like a peer, and where nine times out of ten, she doesn't even take it as a correction or a chastisement - instead it is a negotiation session! Drives me nuts.

So, clearly I haven't found the magic solution. Just talk to your DP, I guess - I've found it helps if I point out gently to DH when he starts to get defensive...especially if I compare it to how we can talk about the other kids...

mudpuddle Mon 01-Aug-11 17:16:28

Thank you brdgrl.

It is hard. As you say, with your own you just instinctively 'share' the parenting- good bits and bad. But with DSC defences go up. It is not even as though he condones the behaviour- he doesn't like it either, but its his unwillingness to take my opinion, and- i like your term- the 'negotiation sessions' that drive me mad. Most of these 'sessions' end with giggling and playing around- tickling/play fighting etc. I feel like I have walked in on a party. There is no change in his tone no matter how large or small the misdemeanour.
He treats DD a lot more traditionally though (prob not right word) but I mean warning/a telling-off and then consequence if it continues. I am in agreement to this and it works for dd.
It grates more today for some reason- I expect because I am on the cusp of 3 weeks of it. I have just spent the day washing, airing, hoovering, blowing up beds, cleaning because they are coming but not allowed to contribute to other aspects.

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