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DP wanting my company now that the DD no longer wishes to be around him

(10 Posts)
StrangeTides Wed 27-Jul-11 16:08:06

So I'm not officially a step mother in that I don't live with DP and his DD who he has full time residency of. But ever since we've known each other he's really excluded me from anything to do with her. Everytime we planned anything he'd call within the week it was due saying his DD was poorly/had made conflicting plans/had made a fuss over him going out etc etc and I was just expected to accept it each time. The DD was 12 at the time, not a baby. One time I suggested we go for a meal at our favourite Indian, the DD got wind of it and played up something rotten until he eventually cancelled on me and took her instead. It's always been the same with cinema etc, I say I want to see a certain film and he tells me very smugly "no sorry, DD will want to see that so I'm going with her."
On an evening I'd say "fancy going on skype for a bit so we can video chat?" and he'd make excuses which really told me his DD was around and wouldn't approve.

I Have never expected to take priority over her of course but the extent at which I've been pushed aside constantly has really grated on me since we met. Anyway recently she developed new friendships with a completely different group of friends and has gone from being a girl who never left his side to someone who is never home. She's 14 now and is out every evening. He now of course comes onto skype everynight and moans when I'm not on as if I should not suddenly be available because he is. Every weekend she goes out with her mates and he texts me saying he's bored and fed up/lonely and has nobody to talk to but he's completely alienated everyone around him for the sake of his DD and now wonders why nobody is available anymore.

He's currently in a mood because he has nobody to go to cinema with. See he would normally turn me down to go with his DD but now she goes with her mates - he's stuck and is kind of blaming me for not dropping everything and going with him.

I think his obsession with his DD has really damaged our relationship. I know all parents put their kids first, of course they do but surely it is unreasonable to treat everyone else like dirt in the meantime and then expect them all to still be available when the DD turns her back on him?

Petal02 Wed 27-Jul-11 16:23:05

You hit the nail on the head when you say "his obsession with his DD has damaged our relationship." Actually, I'm surprised he still has a relationship with you! It's one thing to put your children first, but she took gold, silver and bronze medals, and I'm amazed you put up with it. I'm not surprised you now feel disinclined to step into his daughter's shoes - I mean, who wants to be someone's Plan B? And what would happen if the daughter falls out with her new friends? I expect you'll be relegated to the back-burner again. If I were you, I'd find a man who isn't obsessed with his daughter, you can then have the normal relationship you deserve. The situation you describe sounds deeply unhealthy.

glasscompletelybroken Wed 27-Jul-11 16:23:21

Well I think it's a shame he couldn't have done more things with both of you - especially things like a meal and the cinema. Then it would just be a normal progression of the 3 of you doing something to just you 2 now that she is older and wants to spend the time with her friends. I don't understand why it had to be you or her and that is obviously going to be an issue now she is not available. I imagine you feel a bit of a 2nd choice!
I think it's OK to put kids first but you have to be prepared to invest time and effort in a relationship with a partner whether you have kids or not. It's not setting her a good example of relationships to see her dad treating you like this.
To be honest I wouldn't make myself more available to him now just because he is on his own. Tell him that over the last two years of being neglected by him you have learnt to fill your own spare time very happily and will continue to do so!

theredhen Wed 27-Jul-11 16:36:04

This is the thing with having a relationship once you have kids. Just because you have kids doesn't mean you don't have to work at a relationship. Of course the kids should come first but that doesn't mean that teaching them that sometimes adults have lives too is a bad thing.

I feel for you. If I were you, I would carry on with my own life as I had been and if necessary have a chat with him and point out that his DD might fall out with her friends and then you will dropped again like a hot potato.

He's treated you not very well and I wouldn't be inclined to make it easy for him!

brdgrl Wed 27-Jul-11 18:10:22

I think petal02 has put it perfectly, again.

chelen Wed 27-Jul-11 18:52:03

I don't think I could have stuck that without losing my rag! Trouble is, if the daughter decides to pick him back up, say she falls out with this group, does that mean you'll be on the back burner again?

allhailtheaubergine Wed 27-Jul-11 18:56:18

I am sure I've already posted about this tonight. Is this another thread about the same issue?

ChaoticAngelofGryffindor Wed 27-Jul-11 20:51:08

Why are you still with this man? He's treated you like shit (you've said so yourself) and now he expects you to go running when he's nothing better to do. Find yourself someone who deserves you and dump this pathetic loser.

nenevomito Fri 29-Jul-11 10:49:07

He's allowed his dd to call all of the shots with regard to his relationship with her and with you. She expected him to drop you to be with her, which he did; and then he expected you to put up with him dropping you to be with her, which you did.

You probably need to assess whether you're happy to carry on being 'Plan B'.
The reality is that if he makes plans with you, he may well still drop them if his dd's plans fell through and she asked to do something with him.

Talk to him. Say that he's made you plan b for so long that you have your own life. Say that you're happy to spend time with him, but not just when he has nothing to do with his DD, but at other times as well. You may also want to make it clear that if he makes plans with you and then drops them as he has done in the past, then he'll need to look elsewhere for company as you won't put up with it.

prettyfly1 Sun 31-Jul-11 19:05:44

Hear, hear to petal. Get shot of him and find someone who cares enough about you to at least ATTEMPT to include you in his life.

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