hello
I am very lucky in that I have an absolutely lovely mother in law. However, something has come up which we're just not sure how to handle.
some of you may know my DH has two teenaged boys from previous marriage. the older one lives with his mum, the younger one with us (for the past year and there is no indication at all that he wishes to go back, nor does she want him back). We are happy with the arrangement as it's clear he is much happier and settled with us.
To be very direct about money, EXW works full time and earns around £22K. DSS that lives with her receives the allowance (sorry, not sure what it is called) for being in sixth form. Other son lives with us and although my DH earns slightly more than the EXW, I earn significantly more, and so our household income around is several times that of EXW.
MIL feels that older DSS (living with his mum) is disadvantaged as he doesnt have the same financial support and possibly not the same encouragement in going to uni or aspirations to aim high. In fact he does want to go (although we are not sure given his current grade predictions that he will get a place). EXW places little value on education and he gets little support when it comes to homework, school etc. although we have tried absolutely everything to try and help him.
Younger one with us is more academic and really driven to do well, is conscientious etc so we have no doubts he will further his studies.
To get to the point (sorry!), MIL wants to give older SS financial support to go to uni. We have tried to explain that both of the boys will get student loans, that it's an investment in their future, and that in fact if anything, the older one is actually "better off" than the younger one (currently anyway), as he gets his education allowance throughout sixth form, whereas younger one wont. younger one has paper round, older one doesnt. older one's mum gives him pocket money which keeps him in cigarettes and alcohol. Younger one gets basic pocket money from us.
No child maintenance money changes hands btw as both DH and ExW are NRPs to the other child, iyswim, so the payments are cancelled out in effect (EXW does not agree with this approach btw and thinks she should continue to receive CM for both boys).
So although my MIL can obviously do as she wishes, I think she is mistaken to treat one boy differently. I dont see that one child is "worse off" than the other, and when the older one is with us (several weeks of school holidays, one night during week and every other weekend, his social life permitting) he is treated exactly the same and we take both boys on holidays abroad etc.
Any thoughts or suggestions? I worry that this will create a divide between the two of them. Or maybe I am blind to the difference. So I am keen to get others' views.
thank you for taking the time to read what I realise is a bit of a long post!!
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Step-parenting
Dilemma - MIL choice - money/stepchildren/uni
11 replies
ladydeedy · 22/07/2011 12:49
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