Not looking forward to DSD coming this weekend

[LordIt]

Long long long backstory - too long to get into, but I have known DSD for 7 years since she was 4 and we really hit it off from the beginning - we have always had a great relationship (a few ups and downs, but on the whole ok) up until about a year ago.

Having said that, she is very spoilt - has everything material you could possibly want, is allowed by DH to do whatever she wants when she is here, and if she does something wrong he doesn't ever correct her or tell her off.

Over the past couple of years I've been trying to steer DH towards being more disciplined with her, because I know when the teenage years come, she is going to be a nightmare. She has been through a lot on her mum's side of things and I feel that she needs structure and boundaries.

On the odd occasion, I have had to step in and say something to her eg if she is doing something dangerous, or if she has been cruel to ds. If she is ever corrected or told off for anything, by either me or her dad she always rolls her eyes, storms off or starts crying. TBH, my 2yo behaves better.

I am starting to get really fed up with it all now. When she is here, I feel like a visitor in my own house, and like I am treading on eggshells all the time. I am not deliberately going out of my way to be mean to her, just treating her the exact same way I would if she were my own child.

Apart from the odd eye roll, stomping off etc, the rest of the time she acts as if I am the best thing since sliced bread - a few weeks ago she told me that if her mum died she would be so happy that I would be her mum. However she then goes home and tells her mum that she hates me .

I know it sounds awful, but I just really really don't want to see her at the weekend. I don't feel like I can put on a front and be normal with her - it all seems so fake.

I have spoken to DH and he wants to sit down all together and talk about it, but I think this will make her uncomfortable and she will just run off to her room or lie.

Talking to her mother is not an option as she is so unreasonable and DH and I do not have a good relationship with her.

Any advice appreciated - TIA.

[exoticfruits]

Your DH has the best idea, you need to all sit down and discuss it. You need to talk to DH first and make sure that you have a united front.

[brdgrl]

I think it might be good to sit down and talk to her - BUT! You definitely should, as exoticfruits says, talk to DH first. Have a plan and yep, a united front. You and he should come up with some points to make, together. Avoid talking as though the issues are between you and DSD, and do not let DH put you in the middle - everything should come from BOTH you and DH.

My advice, seriously? Don't go in there without a plan and a script, even, or you will end up in the crapper. Also don't go in there as though it is a negotiation or a therapy session. A family meeting, maybe, but with you and DH as leaders of the family.

My DH and I did this with his kids...I'd learned from a few false starts, and we planned everything out on paper first! We even did a bit of role playing and predicting what they might say and how we'd respond.

[NanaNina]

You have my sincere sympathy. I am a step mum to a SD (she is now grown with her own kids and lives at the other end of the country) and we have very little contact with her thank god. She was always difficult when she was with us for holidays and more or less ignored me but hung around her dad all the time. I was young and had 2 boys of my own, one from a first r/ship and one with the father of the SD. We had money problems and it was all pretty awful. She managed to spoil almost every family holiday we had. And dad was like a lot of the dads on here - she could do no wrong (I've seen them called Disney dads on here) which I think is very apt. His excuse was that she wasn't with us all the time so he didn't want to do anything to upset her, in case she didn't want to come again.

I just got to the stage that I couldn't stand her - she told lots of fantasy lies (I have more understanding of the reason for this now) but I was young and was just anoyed by her constant lies. I remember the day we bought her a new bike for her birthday (which we could ill afford) and because she couldn't ride it straight away (the usual wobbling stuff) she threw the bike on the ground in the park and stormed off - aged about 9 I think.

Sorry I'm sure none of this is helping you - just wanted to say I feel for you.
Mind at least you get some good things from her don't you - like wanting you to be her mum! I used to dislike myself for feeling so badly about a pretty little girl, but I couldn't help it. Fortunately I had a good friend and used to off load to her, which helped me get through the next weekend!

[DioneTheDiabolist]

Big talk needed. Bigger talk with your DH needed first. Your problem is not your DSD, it is your DH. Once you are both talking from the same script, the problems you are experiencing will be lessened. Take heart and know that birth parentswho are together suffer the same sort of problems when DCs reach that age.

[exoticfruits]

I agree with brdgrl. Plan it out on paper with DH first and write it down. He is the problem. If you write it down he can't change the script! You must be consistent and united. Do not let her manipulate and divide and leave you as the unreasonable outsider.

[LordIt]

Hi all and thanks for your advice .

It is so nice to be able to talk amicably with people in the same boat. I once posted under another name on AIBU about DSD's mother and I got the flaming of a lifetime. I often feel on here that you are instantly thought of as The Other Woman, even if like me you were/are not. But I do realise that there are also a lot of very understanding people too .

Anyway, I will put it to DH about the script thing - that seems like a very good idea. It is definitely him that is the problem - he is a total Disney dad and in the nicest possible way, he hasn't really got a clue about parenting - all he wants to do is lark about and have no holds barred fun. It really annoys me because it is almost as if it is all about him, and how he feels. I don't think he considers how it will affect DD's transition into adulthood, not to mention our DS and myself.

I think the thing is that it is ongoing. I know that this incident will blow over and then in a few weeks something else will happen.

It's not just DSD that is the major problem. DH made an informal verbal arrangement with DSD's mother when they split up, and has never been to court, etc. Therefore for the past 9 years he has been continually asked for more money, harassed about all manner of things by text/voicemail/phonecalls/letters, I've been verbally abused on an almost monthly basis. He has also been messed around so much re pick up and drop off - he was out of the house for 2.5 hours a few weeks ago when the drop off should have taken 40 minutes, because his ex refused to turn up to collect DSD and then demanded he take her all the way home or she was going to call the police, social services and the school. He is continually emotionally blackmailed.

Last year I said that he needed to do something about it all as it had gone too far, so we agreed that he would go to court. I trailed into town with toddler, waited at the court, went through all the security paraphenalia to pick up the forms for him to fill in and they are still sitting on his desk untouched a year later.

After an incident with the mother a few weeks ago, he said he wanted to contact a solicitor, so I looked for a family lawyer for him, filled in an online form, and they called him back last week, but he still hasn't returned the call.

It feels like I am banging my head against a brick wall .

Sorry I am ranting now, but just had to get all that off my chest!

[exoticfruits]

I'm not surprised that you want to get it off your chest! You need to talk to him about the whole lot.