adult step daughter-advice please [may be longish but will try to cut down]

[pranma]

I married dh 23 years ago.I was a widow with 2 dc [dd13 and ds17] and he was divorced with 3 dc[ds15 dd 17 and ds 18].We all got on well and lived together-his exw was 12 years younger than him and had left him for a much younger man with whom she had a dd.Of all the dc dsd was the most difficult and spent a lot of time living with m-i-l but was ok when we were all together.All dc now married happily with their own dc.Dsd lives abroad,is a psychologist and has 1 dc who has asd.Four years ago while I was having hemo for bc she asked if we would pay for her,her dh and ds to visit so she could see her dad on his birthday.We asked her to wait a few months till after my chemo but she was adamant and we gave in,bought the tickets but said we could only put them up the first weekend as I had chemo on the Monday and couldnt manage with a child[I had an awful time on chemo].They arrived and the first thing she said was that she hoped I didnt think chemo was an excuse for doing nothing and asked who would cook her dad's birthday breakfast.Later my dd had asked us all for a meal so I didnt have to try to cook-dd said I looked tired and sd 'tutted' loudly and rolled her eyes.The next morning she announced that they were leaving.From that day she hasnt spoken to dh or to me.She hasnt acknowledged gifts,letters or the small monthly sum we pay into her account towards insurance for her ds.She has given no explanation to anyone.She is on good terms with one brother cool but 'speaking' to the other.
She told her mum that when we died all our money would be left to my two.This isnt true-our will leaves everything 5 equal ways and always will no matter who dies first.
My dh is 75 now and not in great health-he says he feels heartsore about his 'dear daughter' which is how he refers to her.He is afraid he will die without seeing her again.What can I do?She wont respond to letters or emails and we dont have a phone number.Her brothers are unwilling to intercede in case she cuts them off too.She has fallen out with her best friend too.I would visit and plead but I cant go to Canada.Any help welcome for my dh-I am more than willing to keep out of it.

[SingingTunelessly]

So SD is now 40yo and won't speak to her 75yo father? Also her brothers are afraid to say anything to her in case she cuts off from them as well? She won't respond to telephone calls, letters or emails. Honestly I don't know what you (step mum or not) can be expected to do in this case. Maybe DH can speak to his sons and ask them to pass on a message if he hasn't already done this. Sorry.

[pranma]

Thanks Stunelessly-he has asked them but they say she flies into a rage if they mention their dad and because of the little boy's asd[he is 5 now] they want to 'be there for her'.Her mum[dh's ex] says that sd is very jealous of dh's relationship with my dd and her family.Realisically I know there is nothing I can do but am so sad for my lovely,gentle dh.

[SomethingProfound]

Speaking as a SD, I understand your SD's jealousy ( I sometimes have the same over my step sister's relationship with my farther) but to stop speaking to him with no explanation is awful!

I think he should write to her saying that if she refuses to have contact with him he will no longer be sending her money, I know that sounds harsh but she is behaving so unreasonably, and it may at least get her to contact you so the situation can be resolved!

She can't expect him to give any (even a tiny amount) of financial support if she is not prepared to have a relationship with him at the very least.

[pranma]

Sorry SP I just saw your reply.He has written many times but doesnt want to use the threat of withdrawing money[intended for dgs one day] to 'bribe' her.He is resigned I think.I am so angry with her that it is a good job she is in Canada and I cant go round [and no doubt make things worse].She hasnt acknowledged gifts,letters,emails,messages via family members nothing for over 4 years now.

[pranma]

Thanks SGM we are reluctantly coming to the same conclusion-I just wish we knew what we'd done.If it's all down to jealousy of my dd that is awful.Dsd is a clinical psychologist....she ought to be able to communicate with her dad at least.