Please help! Step-Son never wants to see us again.

[BoojaBooja]

I'm very, very worried.

Step-son (17) had a minor spat with her dad (my DP) about a day that he was supposed to be at our house for a special occasion, but didn't turn up. It really was minor. We're used to it.

Step-son has decided that he wants all contact with us to stop.

He and I have always got on well, as far as I'm aware. He confides in me a little bit and when he and his dad have fallen out in the past, he's always made it clear that he's ok with me and his little sister (mine and his dad's DD). In fact, I thought we had quite a laugh together. However, he's now told me never to contact him.

I'm terrified for my family's sake that we'll never see him again. His sister, my DD (just turned three) is desperate to see him. He's her hero and she misses him every day. She keeps running into his room to check he's not hiding in there. It's heartbreaking for me. As she won't have any other siblings (I can't have any more children) DP and I always made it clear to her that she has a big brother who loves her very much. Turns out that isn't true, apparently. How on earth do you explain that to a three year old?! She 'called' him on her toy phone this morning to say that she loves him and that she wants him to come over to play. :(

He lives in the same town as us. His mum leaves him to his own devices and won't get involved. The relationship is amicable but cool between her and DP. They'd split-up many, many years before I came on the scene, by the way, so there are no problems there, as far as I'm aware.

I don't really know what I'm asking. It's just "Help!" really!

[colditz]

Send him a text in a few days time saying "I understand you don't feel like speaking to us, but please, please come and visit your baby sister. She's been crying for you. We will stay in the kitchen while you are here, she misses you so VERY much."

Well brought up teenaged boys can be incredibly soft hearted.

[BoojaBooja]

Thanks colditz. I sent him a very similar message on Facebook. I said that we would stay out of the way, but please, please come and see her. I said he wouldn't have to deal at all with me and DP. I said she didn't understand why he wasn't coming to see her. He just blocked me, DP and all other relatives (aunty, uncle and two cousins) from our side of the family, from his Facebook friends.

A couple of people have said that he'll see sense, but I'm not sure. He blanked his grandparents on his mum's side out of his life. They'd done a lot for him, but they had an argument with his mum and that was that. No contact. That was a couple of years ago.

I'm so worried.

[BoojaBooja]

During the daytime, I think DP and I deal with it quite well with a "Sod him" attitude, but things always seem worse at night, don't they?

We've done so much for him over the years and love him so much. This is awful.

[piprabbit]

Don't rely on FB to contact him.

Text him, write him a letter, send him a card. Better still get DD to make him a card and then send him that with a note saying she is desperate to see him.

Use a printed label on the envelope if you think he'll ignore anything with your handwriting.

Do something to make that initial contact and try and build from there.

This is so .

[BoojaBooja]

We've text and he ignores all messages. He once picked-up when I called but was just silent.

I thought about DD making something for him, but I'd be worried that it'll raise her expectations. We're trying to not mention his name at the moment.

Good idea about the printed label.

So far, we know he won't respond to texts, calls, emails or DP going over there are ringing the doorbell, when we know he's in.

Things used to be great. He's exerting power over us and it feels cruel. We just want to be here for him. We have done everything we can think of to care for him and give him a good, loving home. I can't stop crying tonight. DP's out at work, so I can let my guard down about it a bit, without the risk of upsetting him even more.

[BoojaBooja]

DP's dad is usually good with things like this. He has a strong relationship with his grandson, but he's elderly and has a serious heart condition at the moment and so we've been shielding him from this problem. He was rushed into hospital last week and things were looking bad. Fortunately he's stable. DP text step-son about this, to let him know that his grandad was very ill, but he didn't receive a response. :(

[BoojaBooja]

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

[BoojaBooja]

:(

[brdgrl]

I'm sorry, that sounds heartbreaking. Like you, I have a baby (with my DH) who just turned one, and DH has two teenagers. I don't know what I would say to DD if her brother or sister just disappeared from the scene like that.

I am afraid that I don't have very much advice for you. It sounds like this has only been a couple of days? Maybe he needs a bit of time...it is good that you have been trying to contact him, so that he knows he's still wanted - but at the same time you want to be careful not to make him feel that you are trying to force him or manipulate him, y'know? I'd tell him one more time that he is welcome anytime, and that if he wants to see DD only, you will make that possible, but that you will respect his need for a little space.

He probably is hurting, too, and will want to be able to come back - even if only to see his sister - but if he paints himself into a corner now, it will be that much harder for him to save face about it.

Perhaps you can tell your daughter that her brother needs some time to himself. She is old enough to begin to understand that, and it might be better to be honest with her - in a 'no big deal' way - don't let her see that you are so upset about it. Just say that sometimes big kids need a little time to themselves; that you love him and you know he loves her. You could draw hm a picture or a card. Not mentioning him doesn't seem like a very good idea to me, it might make her feel more confused and hurt. As long as you aren't specific about WHEN he will be back to see her, I think you should talk about him and reassure her that he will be back when he feels better.

good luck.

[AnonymousDad]

Something similar happened to me about a year ago.

Oldest DSS was affended by a comment I made in support of him and walked out only to text his mum to say he was never coming back. It happened on the day I lost 80% of income as well.

There was a lot of heartache but we came to understand that he blamed me for his parents splitting up. Whilst it is not how it happened or fair on me I would rather he hated me than his mum. I encourage his mum to meet him every week and he regularly calls her for advise, like which tie to wear for interview.

It's still difficult for his mum but my hope is that he will eventually understand, I appreciate it may be a long wait.

Try to understand everyones perspective and look for the positive it it.

[noddyholder]

My ds is 17 and they do do rash things to make a point and stick the knife in where it hurts. They also (some) have difficulty backing down and take a while to realise that their actions do have consequences. I would leave him for a week or two and tell your dd that he is at school or something. My ds is spectacularly rude/hurtful at times and then on the other hand is vulnerable and sweet and full of remorse. I think it is hormonal as it is definitely calming down compared to even 3 months ago. Good luck he is lucky to have you and this all or nothing wrt contact etc won't last I am sure x

[BoojaBooja]

Thanks all for your replies and advice.

It's now been a month and a half. DP saw my step-son (his son) in the street, but step-son told DP that he "can't be bothered" with us anymore and doesn't want to see us again. He just kept walking and ignored DP.

I've just finished comforting DD (3 years old) who, despite us trying to shield her from it completely, just said that she still loves her brother but he doesn't love her anymore. She was crying and crying.

I feel such a mixture of despair and anger. :(

[BoojaBooja]

.

[BoojaBooja]

Sorry, another >bump

[theredhen]

I totally agree with MJ on this. I think you need to stop fuelling this power he is wielding over you. He will be enjoying the begging and pleading and the attention he is getting. What's in it for him to stop? He stops getting this massive amount of attention!

Your DD is three years old. She may cry now, but she will get over it. You can't protect your children from every upset and issue that comes along. Have a look on the lone parent boards for parents trying to shield their kids from the hurt caused from NRP who have abandonded them.

Kids lose parents and siblings (speaking from experience here) through death and they still manage to get on with their lives. You just need to explain (in a 3 year olds way) that DSS is not very happy now and he needs to have some space and then focus on the positves in her life.

You are teaching your daughter that rude, selfish behaviour gets attention.

[chelen]

Hi, the post from theredhen reads pretty harshly but I agree.

My heart goes out to you though, it must be a very tough situation to live through.

[theredhen]

Yes, sorry didn't mean to sound harsh. But I do think your energy would be better focused on being positive with your daughter than on chasing after DSS.