Advice needed on explaining new baby to stepchildren

[moominliz]

Hi all,
I'm totally new to this site having only found out 4 days ago that I'm expecting! My partner and I are still in a bit of a daze but want to do things right (as much as possible!).
I am a stepmum to 3 children (2 girls aged 4 and 6 and a boy aged 8) they live with us on alternate weekends. My partner is now civil with his ex but we feel the news of our baby could blow this out of the water!
His ex has been known on more than one occasion to be rather selfish and put her feelings before the childrens.
So basically if anyone could give me some advice or point me in the right direction of books, articles, etc. on how to explain the new addition to the children in the right way and dealing with ex who I worry may not help out the children should they have any questions or confusion.
Many thanks in advance!

[overthemill]

no specific advice but what we did was wait to tell the kids until i was about 5 months and beginning to show. we said we are very excited we have some lovely news you are going to have a new baby brother or sister. tbh the eldest (6) cried her eyes out and was very sad cos she said that meant mummy and daddy couldn't get back together but she was fine ultimately. (tho for years afterwards used to ask if daddy could marry mummy again and me marry her stepdad and live next door to each other!) the youngest took no notice whatsoever until dd was born! we just kept on telling them how much we loved them and how fab they would be as big brother/sister.

we told ex once knew i was pregnant. it wasn't hard, we don't get on at all but it wasn't an issue. carried on paying same maintenance and everything so no big deal (and she'd also had new baby earlier).

good luck and congratulations!

[moominliz]

Thanks, its very reassuring to know other peoples experiences and to be prepared for any tears!

[LB1982]

Hi moomin. Firstly - Congratulations!!!

I'll be keeping my eye on this post as I am in the same boat. I am now 3.5 months, I've had my first scan - Me and DP are very excited and this is the best news ever. SC are 3 and 7 and we haven't told them yet... Not sure how to or when.... DP is desperate to but I would rather wait until 5-6 months (even later if I could!). I feel that another 6 month wait for them will feel like years but if we tell them nearer the time, it's less time until baby is born.

I am also nervous about letting ex know as I know she'll make things difficult. I dread due date and whether the kids are there when I go into labour etc.... We'll just have to wait and see!!

Let me know how it goes and what you decide to do :)

[overthemill]

fwiw, dh's ex didn't tell her dcs she was preg until she was around 7/8 months and ginormous. she'd been told by someone to not tell them. she'd explained 'fatness' as eating too much chocolate!

i agree that they wont understand until they see baby (surely all kids are like that when little?)

when i delivered (4 weeks early) the dcs were with us and luckily so was mil who kept them with her until ex could pick them up. ex brought them to hospital for brief visit when baby was about 5 hours old and waited outside. all slightly odd but it worked for us. when it came to it, we all just care about the kids surely?

[overthemill]

i meant when i went into labour at 5.30 am, the kids were with us and obv i went into hospital to actually delievr

[moominliz]

Thanks! I hadn't thought about leaving it until later on to tell the SC, I suppose telling them something is going to happen in 6 months time is like an eternity to them!
However, we're concerned with leaving it later in case his ex finds out. Shes seems to have a way of finding things out and I think it would make thinks an awful lot worse if she were to find out herself rather than it coming from us! But there again this is about getting it right for the kids so I suppose we could tell the ex once we're ready to tell people but tell the children at a later date.
My partners family aren't local but luckily my mum and family are very supportive and our plan is get the SC more and more used to my mum so should I go into labour when they're with us, she can step in to help us out.

[overthemill]

moominliz that might be a good way for you to do it. It is obv hard to give cut and dried advice rather say what worked for us. i am sad the ex wont be more helpful, it is such a shame.

and def get your mum involved in sc lives as much as poss. you will soon be one great big blended family!
good luck, hope it works out as well for you as it has for us

[swash]

We told DSS when I was 13 weeks, straight after the scan. His mum is still friendly with the ILs so it was tricky getting the timing right. He was 6 at the time - and when we told him he cheered!

[moominliz]

We have our fingers crossed for a reaction like that!

[Machin11]

Something my friends did with her pregnancy, when their baby was born she made sure that DSS had a present from the baby, and asked really close family who would buy gifts for the newborn, consider just getting something small for DSS so that they both got something. DSS then saw new baby as something really cool and meant he didn't get pushed out.
Also during the pregnancy she encouraged DSS to be involved so helping pick some things for the nursery, clothes etc, even including them in conversations about whats happening (age appropriate obviously) Sometimes the key thing is also telling DSC that although Daddy will have another baby, he will have lots of love to go around and he will not love his other children less.