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Moving back into former marital home - how to explain to DD?

(6 Posts)
Newdaynewpants Thu 02-Jun-11 12:44:17

Not sure that this is the correct area to post in but having lurked for a while I know that you'll be more understanding than all most other topics.

I seperated from my H just over 18 months ago and at the time he refused to move out of the marital home. So me and our DD moved out into rented accomodation. It was always known by him and me that he wouldn't be able to afford to keep the house on, on his own, once I took my name off the mortgage. So the inevitable has happened; he is finally moving out into a new home at the end of next month and me, DP, DD (and DSD when she's with us) are moving in to what is my former marital home. Me and DP have no issues with this (although don't quote me on that the first night I sleep there!) but are acutely aware that this is the house where DD has gone to when she stays with her daddy ever since we split up. To that end she will see it as his house (it was mine before me and H got together but in DD's living memory she will never recognise that, nor should she perhaps?).

So what I really need help on is how do we start to broach the subject with DD (when I say we I mean me, H and DP - it's all fairly amicable and me and H will be able to present a united front from both sides of the fence) to help her through what could be a very confusing time for her? She's 4 1/2 yo and fairly astute (she once asked me if we were 'borrowing' the house we live in - I've never once mentioned that our current abode is rented so not sure where she picked it up from) and H has already started packing boxes so she's aware he's moving house. How can I phrase it so that she sees it as a positive experience?

On the plus side, DD and DSD get on like a house on fire and DSD is really excited about chosing the stuff for her new room (currently DSD has to sleep on DD's floor when she stays as we're in a 2 bed place - we're all looking forward to moving into a bigger house with more space!).

nenevomito Mon 06-Jun-11 20:41:46

Does dd have a room there? In which case she will probably be happy that she is still going to have that home, even if its now mummys rather than daddys.

I guess its going to be weird for you moving into the marital home again? Are you worried yourself about how its going to feel and is that making you worry more about her?

I'm sure that as long as she has happy and secure homes with both you and exH, she will do just fine.

Newdaynewpants Tue 07-Jun-11 14:27:22

Yes, DD's continued to stay in the same room throughout; before we moved out and now when she stays with her dad, and she'll have the same room when we move back in. In fact she did ask me on Friday when she was going to see daddy's new home so I broached the subject then. Spoke about it in a positive light; that we'd be moving in and she and DSD would have a room each and she could have some new bits for her room if she wanted. She was more interested about getting new toys! (I'm sure I never mentioned anything of the sort!) grin. She seemed to be very matter of fact about it so hopefully it will stay that way. I think we'll end up moving just before she starts school though so it will be a lot of change to manage.

How do I feel about it? Hmmm, I think I'm going to be ok. I went round at the weekend while H was away with DD at his mum's, to measure up for some new furniture for when we move in. It felt strange to be going through all the rooms as he's moved stuff around and I've only been in the kitchen/conservatory when I've been picking up/dropping off DD since we moved out. I think I'll be better once he's moved out and I've got in there, given it a deep clean (don't get me started on the cleanliness of the place, but then I do have some OCD tendencies when it comes to cleaning blush)and re-decorated. I seem to have spent so long fighting to get the house back that it almost doesn't seem real now it's actually happening. And there's still a small part of me that resents him for forcing us out in the first place when he knew that he'd have to move out and give me the house back at some point. All that upheaval for nothing.

aurorastargazer Sat 25-Jun-11 22:31:36

hi newday smile hows things now? smile

Newdaynewpants Tue 28-Jun-11 14:13:48

Hi, not bad thanks, well not regarding the house anyway. DD is keen to move now, keeps asking how many sleeps until we move. And has already volunteered to help paint (although I may pass on this offer being that she's 4 I've seen her version of painting before and it was mostly on her!).

However the stbExH is being a complete arsehole. Again. This time it was over whether my DP could go to an induction visit to DD's new school (starts in Sep). StbExH thinks that only parents should visit the school however we both know that he only means DP, he wouldn't have an issue if it was my sister/BIL/Santa Claus. To the extent where he's declared that if DP goes to any of DD's school things then he won't go. Which I see as his loss. I asked him what he would do if his new DP's DDs asked him to go to a school event, he reckons he wouldn't go!?! Now, I'm thinking that it's what is in DD's best interests that matters; and in this case she had asked DP if he was going as she wanted him to see her new school. We live together and as DD only goes to her dad's 8 days a month, she spends the majority of her time with me and DP so naturally DP plays a big part in her life, and she wants to share this new exciting thing with him. And DP wants to be a part of DD's life too. As it was we felt it was more important this time for DD's dad to be there if there had to be a choice of one or the other so DP missed out on the opportunity. But I don't see why we should have to dance to stbExH's tune, when it's not about him. StbExH cannot see past his own ego (he has decided, in his own head, despite all my reasoning and explanation, that I left him for someone else, DP, which isn't true, but by believing this it means he doesn't have to take any responsibility for the marriage failing) and regardless of what DD wants (for all of us to be there) he has bitten his nose off to spite his face. And I'm so cross with him for putting DD through this. Surely these school events are about DD not him? angry

Can someone put some perspective on this for me sad it's just one more thing, along with the mortgage transfer process having to be re-done, that I just don't have the energy for right now. AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHH. That's better smile

aurorastargazer Thu 30-Jun-11 16:12:42

sad
the school event should be about dd and not your stbx, fwiw i am glad your dp wants to go as well and is willing to put aside differences for your dd's sake.

i'm sorry i took so long to answer you, how are things today? ((((hugs))))

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