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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Step-parenting

What will telling my sd I'm pregnant be like?

17 replies

alittlebitpregnant23 · 25/05/2011 18:28

I'm new to MN as only discovered I'm pregnant a week ago. I have a 17 yr old step daughter and this is my first baby. SD is usually pretty polite to me (don't want to overstate it - she definitely doesn't like/love me but she has lived with us full time for nearly four years and we've reached a live-and-let-live way of doing things where I ask very little of her and am super-nice in return for a quiet life!). She's much more vile volatile with her dad though and thinks nothing of screaming rows with him.

I was just wondering whether anyone had any advice for breaking the news. For example, how long can we leave it before telling her without making things worse for keeping it a secret? Not sure I can face the noise yet! I'm only five weeks and pretty much symptom free so far so she's not likely to guess straightaway.

I've been reading a lot of posts and so many things you have all said ring true for me that this seems like a good place to get advice. Thanks!

OP posts:

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BertieBotts · 25/05/2011 18:33

My dad and stepmum had a baby when I was 13, although slightly different situation as I lived with my mum. Does she know you were trying? I remember Dad and SM talking to my sister and I beforehand and just saying "How would you two feel if we were to have a baby?" and we were both really excited about it. So when they announced the pregnancy, it was happy news rather than a big shock.

I don't know how much help that is as she's living with you, but I thought a positive story might be nice :)

alittlebitpregnant23 · 25/05/2011 19:00

Thank you - it is nice!

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WinterLover · 25/05/2011 20:11

Congratulations

Is it worth waiting until your 12 weeks scan? Unless your throwing up all the time.. at least that way you have that 'confirmation' that things are ok.

I cant offer advice really as my DSD was 5 when we told her, I suppose as she is 17 she should be able to deal with it better. Does she see her mum? Have other siblings?

I was soooo scared telling DSD as we have a very good/close relationship and I was worried that me being pregnant would change that, she wasnt happy for the 1st hour but after a chat with me reassuring her she was still our no1 big girl and the 2 of us would still haev our 'girl time' she was fine and now cant wait till august.

nenevomito · 26/05/2011 08:51

Congratulations!!

I'd tell sooner rather than later as the worst thing to happen would be if she found out by accident as it would look like you were hiding it from her. I was nervous as hell telling my DSD about being pg, but she took it well.

If you go into it being happy and excited and wanting to share this news with her and she acts like an arse, then she will look like an arse, but you will also have more time to deal with it. If you go in nervous and worried then if she acts like an arse it will seem justified IYSWIM.

Congrats again :)

alittlebitpregnant23 · 26/05/2011 18:16

That's really helpful advice - thanks. I'm always nervous when I speak to her about anything because she really can be a bit of a nightmare but I will try to imagine she'll be pleased and see how we go.

OP posts:

alittlebitpregnant23 · 26/05/2011 18:50

That's really helpful advice - thanks. I'm always nervous when I speak to her about anything because she really can be a bit of a nightmare but I will try to imagine she'll be pleased and see how we go.

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alittlebitpregnant23 · 26/05/2011 18:50

Oops!

OP posts:

embecksrob · 27/05/2011 15:39

First things first ? congratulations!!!

Oh my god are you me lol. Have exactly the same relationship with my SD

I am 35, have got 17 stepdaughter living with us full time. Has been for about two years. Had no contact with her dad for 4 years before basically turning up to live with us. Been with my boyf about 8 years. Am 23 weeks pregnant

Really don?t want to dishearten you but it was horrible when we told her. We waited until after the 12 weeks scan then told close relatives, then my boyf was away for a few days so it was actually more like 14 weeks when we told her.

her reaction was even worst than we could possibly have anticipated.
it was to burst out crying, tell her dad she hated him and not speak to him for nearly a week

he said that she was not too bad when he spoke to her about initially, she cried but he expected her to, she told him that she wanted to move out, she wanted no part in the baby etc.

all of it stems from i suppose what you would exepct, she feels she will lose her dad, will be pushed out etc. she already has said that she will be jealous of the baby.

I really thought she would have been more mature about it.

It did eventually blow over, and I said to her that it wouldn?t change her dad loving her but she didn?t want to talk about it to me really.

To this day she has not ever once mentioned the pregnancy, asked me how I am feeling or asked to see the scans etc.

I am determined not to let her ruin this special time for me and my partner.

So my advice to you would be to wait til at least you have had the scan ? DO NOT expect her to be grown up about it and just wait for it to pass. You may be lucky and not have the same reaction I did.

please feel free to pm me

Sylvaniasandwich · 27/05/2011 17:50

Congratulations.

I would remember that you are the pregnant woman and your needs are very important! It is too easy with stepchildren to forget about yourself, imo. I would wait until you are ready to tell the wider family - so that she has people to talk to about it, and you are feeling more secure. I would tell her quite calmly that you are having a baby, and then see what she says. You can't really plan too much but it would be nice if you could say how glad you are that your baby will have a grown-up sister to look up to (or something).

It might be nice for your partner to take his daughter out some time during the week after she is told - just to spend some time together.

Very good luck to you.

(My DSS cheered when we told him btw and then asked us how the baby got there . But he was only six.]

alittlebitpregnant23 · 30/05/2011 08:09

Oh well, no need for the awkward conversation now. Just miscarried. :(

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Gastonladybird · 30/05/2011 08:17

So sorry to hear it. Fwiw having my dd has helped make our family closer.

WinterLover · 30/05/2011 09:14

Im sorry to hear that :( take care of yourself xx

99redballons · 31/05/2011 14:25

Im so sad to hear that. Look after yourself x

SarahBumBarer · 31/05/2011 14:40

Hi OP - I'm not a regular on the SP boards as my situ is pretty easy but I do lurk here occassionally. Just wanted to say that that I'm very sorry for you and hope that you know (being new to MN) that there is lots of miscarriage support and TTC support too on here. Hope you find it of some comfort. Take good care of yourself.

GinAndWater · 31/05/2011 15:01

Sorry to hear that OP. Take care.

nenevomito · 31/05/2011 16:01

OP - so sorry to hear that. Have a huge {{{{{hug}}}}} from me.

embecksrob · 02/06/2011 15:37

so so sorry to hear that x

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