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DSS1 and his bullying attitude

(10 Posts)
allnewtaketwo Fri 06-May-11 20:39:03

It's me again about DSS1
For a very long time, his treatment of DSS2 has been terrible. Now I know all other brothers 'bully' to some extent, and that arguing between siblings is completely normal. BUT, the way DSS1 constantly gets at DSS2 has now, in my opinion, got to be totally unacceptable and makes me feel very uneasy.

It's all verbal. Literally within the first 5 mins they were here this evening, I counted 6 occasions of DSS1 getting at DSS2. It's not joking around, it's constant talking down to, undermining etc. Makes me totally cringe and want to leave the room. DH completely agrees with me. Tonight he said that DSS1 was at it all the way here in the car. DH does correct DSS1 about it, tells him to stop.

IMO part of the problem is that DSS1 has picked up his mother's attitudes. She, in my opinion, has a definite case of narcissistic personality disorder. She has a bullying attitude, not only to DH but to her own children. In a verbal controlling way. Like his mother, DSS1 doesn't seem happy unless he's putting someone (in his case, DSS2) down.

DH telling DSS1 to stop is ineffective. IMO this is because the problem is one of his values, rather than a simple behavioural issue that can easily be corrected.

DSS2 is quite even tempered but quite an emotionally vulnerable child I would say. Unlike DSS1 he is quite 'deep' and caring.

I've been thinking, and I feel uncomfortable now with DS listening to this. He's nearly 3, and is starting to notice. Do you think it would be ok for me to suggest to DH that in future, each time DSS1 does this, he should be asked to leave the room? Me leaving the room wouldn't really solve the problem of us 'allowing' it in our house, and DS being exposed to it.

aurorastargazer Fri 06-May-11 22:57:57

it does sound to me like he needs to spoken to properly (and consistently about whta is acceptable behaviour) sorry if this comes across incorrectly, am getting tired and can't hink straight at moment, just didn't want your post unanswered smile

annabel1972 Sat 07-May-11 01:00:00

My own child does this. She's a twin and can be quite vile to her brother. She does love him really as when he's ever upset she does show concern but I completely agree with you that it's unacceptable.

Her father and I are divorced but we both do exactly what you suggested - if she is unable to be nice to her brother she has to go to her room until she is ready to apologise. That could be for 1 minute or an hour - the choice is hers - but neither of us will tolerate that sort of behaviour towards her brother.

I don't want to scare you but my daughter is now 10 and they've been fighting literally since the day they were born. When I gave birth they were placed in the same cot whilst in hospital and I remember looking at them and thinking "Ah how cute - they're trying to cuddle each other. No - wait - i actually think they're trying to wrestle each other". And that's how it's been for the last TEN years!

It has got better over the years (slightly). They do have (sometimes) days when they are lovely to each other but as much as i love my daughter, she is the type of child who needs to be kept on a short leash, otherwise she will completely dominate her twin brother.

It sounds like your DSS is the same child! And you have my utmost sympathy!

allnewtaketwo Sat 07-May-11 09:26:20

Thanks both

annabel DSS1 is now 15 sad. Although it always existed to some degree, it's definitely worse now.

That's great both you and their father are consistent like that. I think I've now got DH on side and have said about telling DSS1 to leave the room when he does it. It will be interesting to see though if he goes through with it.

Unfortunately DH and the childrens' mother agree on nothing, and actually don't speak. She is also very 'lax' in terms of parenting imo. Apparently she 'fines' them both when it happens hmm

allnewtaketwo Tue 10-May-11 15:35:53

bumping!

I have spent some time reading up on this. Actually I now consider that DSS1 is subjecting DSS2 to verbal abuse

aurorastargazer Wed 11-May-11 09:34:46

bump

HansieMom Thu 12-May-11 20:30:21

DSS1 will be getting up a lot to leave the room. You parents will have to be strict about it though, should be an interesting evening but shouldn't last long. It would be terrible for DSS1 to continue with his cutting remarks and have a poor partner subjected to it.

BigHairyLeggedSpider Fri 13-May-11 12:22:59

We have this a lot with DSS1 putting his brother down all the time. I know that little brothers can be annoying but they don't deserve to be treated with and spoken to with contempt and playground verbal bullying. DSS1 is 11 and I got sick of hearing it. Reminded him how bad he felt when people picked on and bullied him, and that he was making DSS2 feel like that, which shocked him and it stopped for a while. Now everytime I hear it creeping back in I tell him straight. Don't talk to your brother like that, if you can't be nice, be silent. DP is FINALLY also picking him up on it so it's not just me crabbing at him.

Mystry Wed 01-Jun-11 10:00:17

you know bullying is not a natural thing... is there not some underlying problem with Dss1 that you are not dealing with or he is not dealing with like anger issues (perhaps anger at parents for split etc...) I have found that in siblings its easier for the older child to bully the younger child instead of dealing with the actual issues at hand... hence bullying makes him feel more in control of his situation/ feelings... all children feel something they learn to not show anything because it is expected of them. Take a good long hard look at the situation. Do not blame the child.... this is learnt behaviour! not saying that it is acceptable but obviously you need to take another tactic to deal with situation before it escalates and has some serious ramifications. Good luck!

allnewtaketwo Wed 01-Jun-11 20:46:56

Mystry I actually agree with you. DSSs' mother is extremely controlling. Her behaviour towards the children, is in my opinions, actually bullying. IMO, DSS1 is either emulating (sp?) this behaviour, or is exercising the only control he has in life over the person most easy to exert it over (ie. his younger brother). Unfortunatly the 'tactics' available to deal with this case are limited - i.e. we cannot remove him from his mother's control nor influence her to stop it. DSS1 is so totally used to the control within his household that he cannot really see how odd it is (for example that his mother still tells the hairdresser how to cut his hair, his clothes choices, his friends, his hobbies, etc etc etc, actually just everything). I have thought for a long time that the bullying way of life within their household was bound to have some long term negative effects. In the case of DSS1, these are becoming more and more obvious.

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