Maleficent's Guide To Step Parenting(327 Posts)
I have been much maligned as a step-mother over the years and so misrepresented, even I sometimes wonder what is truth and fiction. The sad fact is that people will always believe the child over the step-mother, no matter how outrageous the story and accusations.
Take my step child, Snow White. Ran off and shacked up with 12 men in a squat. Doing so many drugs she thought she could speak to animals FFS. (Lets face it, she didn't get called "snow white" for no reason IYSWIM.) I rescue her from herself with an intervention and a stay at the Priory and what do I hear back? Magic Mirrors, wood cutters and poisoned apples! And people believed her.
However, I know now where I went wrong and look back on those times thinking "If only I had had someone to show me the way". So here it is, dear step mothers. The Mumsnet Guide to being a stepmother. Instead of worrying, just ask "What would Maleficent Do?" and follow these 12 steps to become the perfect Mumsnet Step Parent.
All of the following advice has been given to step parents in one form or another on Mumsnet discussions.
1. You may call yourselves step mothers, because that is what you are.
2. It's wrong to refer to yourself as mother in any form as it detracts from a child's real mother.
3. You should not try to be a mother to a step-child as they already have one.
4. If you don't act motherly you are rejecting the child and this can damage them and cause emotional problems later in life.
5. It is OK to think your own child and the children of your friends and the children at your child's school are horrible.
6. Your DH or DP's Children aren't horrible it is you making them that way as they can sense that you don't like them.
7. You must not declare that you love your stepchild or expect your step child to love you as that is not natural and they already have a mum.
8. You should automatically love your step children and if you can't you are bad and should leave your DH / DP.
9. If the children live with their mum, you should never change any payments of maintenance as it is unfair on the child.
10. If the child comes to live with you, the mum should not have to pay maintenance as it is your job to support them as you chose to be with a man who had children already.
11. You should not distance yourself from your step children as they will sense this and it will make them feel unwelcome.
12. As an adult its up to you to put your emotions to one side and distance them from your step children as showing how you feel will make them feel unwelcome.
You know. Reading this back, I think I can summarise this so much better.
1. Damned if you do.
2. Damned if you don't.
Now, off you go and get back to being Man Eating, Child Stealing Whores
Dad's partner, then, if that is what you are
I don't see why you need to insist on a term containing "mother" - that isn't what you are, however wonderful you may be. If an aunt or grandparent or family friend or teacher did lots of caring/supporting of a child, you wouldn't expect them to change their title in recognition of it. It's largely pugnacious pedantry IMO.
I don't understand, why does that change when you get married?
Maybe steer clear of the step-parents board roland.
A grandparent already has a special name. A family friend probably doesnt do as much care as I, for example, do. If a family friend really did begin to take on 70% of the child's care I would actually expect them to me given a special name.. 'aunty' maybe.
It is in fact you that is being pedantic by deciding that it is not actually until you marry someone's dad that you become a step mother.
No, I'll post wherever I like thanks
I have had family friends and teachers do more for me than my parents would have done in a million years. I think it is bizarre to demand a title for this. I think in most cases this argument about titles is just a displacement for the wider issue of resentments and feeling undervalued
but no, you shouldn't be called "mother", because you aren't.
roland- you really don't get the OP do you ?
Post wherever you like, yes.
The advice to stay away was for your own good, I didn't want you getting all worked up over something you clearly have no vested interest in.
If I was hanging out on 'in the dog house' posting about incontinant poodles I would want someone to sidle over to me and tell me I should really direct my energy else where as I have no dog.
I wouldn't really want to upset any pooch lovers looking for support and kindness with my misguided and ill researched opinions. That's jst methough. Post away if you ave the time on your hands.
I'm however logging off as having finished a 10 hour working day, I have to fetch someone else's child from her child-minder and bring her back to my house to feed her, help her with her homework, talk to her about boy problems and then get her off to bed. Tarra.
No MJ, you should have still done all those wonderful things for your DBS... but so shouldnt have expected any special title for it. For goodness sake, you limelight craving old bat
roland.....I really don't wish to be described as my steps "mother". If they were mine, I wouldn't have them behave as they (well, one of them really) do.
theredhen......God, I wish you'd leave. It sounds horrendous. Poor you.
It wasnt crap bratnav. It was eloquent and made me think 'how nice' and I wish that we could agree with DSD's mther that when she's here she's ours!
Good as in DSD being ours... not her mum... jesus that would be appauling!
Oh brilliant op... May I add?
Do not complain when your dss treats the house as a hotel and ignores you as this is simply you and you should not feel it is your home when you pay for half of it.
You are a wicked cow and obviously have a vendetta and we should ignore his ignorant behaviour and you should not have feelings.
But of course.... Your children must be disciplined and given boundaries.
The classic the other day was my six year old actually referring to dss as a lazy teenager. My ds actually believes this is a status as is child and adult.!!! But there is nooooo problem
And if there is a problem abip it is only at your house that it occurs and this is due to our slovenly parenting as no doubt your DSS is the image of perfect behaviour and courtesy at his real mums house? or so she'll have you beleive
OOOHHHH of COURSE LT.
Played him at his own game though recently.... His nan came over as DP was in hospital and was courteous and did everything that was asked of him
Still no job, no prospects, and is not even helping even though his dad still only has the use of one arm
Good evening all.
I see someone has not understood the post and has even contributed a passive aggressive smiley to the proceedings.
<shakes head and prepares the printer and stapler>
Now, what would Maleficent do in these circumstances? Well, Maleficent will obviously sit the poster down on a comfy chair, take their hand in theirs and pat it gently while explaining the post.
Now dearie, when the OP says that its "wrong to us the word mother in any form" that includes "step mother" for yes, that is covered by the term "use of mother in any form". Its the ANY you see, it makes it mean any form and step mother is a form of mother. It includes the MOTHER word. Therefore "You may call yourself step mother" and "Its wrong to refer to yourself as mother in any form" do actually contradict each other.
Now I've explained that, would you like to choose a shiney red apple from my lovely basket and take a walk in the woods with my grounds keeper?
PMSL at Passive Agressive Smiley-
Goes well with PA Furniture range
I like this thread. .
Roland, a name is just a name, some step parents do very little for their step children, others do far more than their natural parents. I think for ease of use on these and other forums, we use the term step mother and step father, I don't know why this seems to cause such debate. .
I would like to add another point.
1. Your own child must blend seamlessly with step children, do nothing when step children aren't around, in case step children feel left out and generally put their lives on hold until step children arrive again.
2. Step children must not contact other child, while with their Mum and must dismiss him/her/them from their minds completely and do lots of fun stuff with Mum and tell resident child all about it next time they see them.
I totally agree with your comments Roland!.
To me, many of the other poster's on here certainly don't deserve the title 'step mother'.
How dare you expect to come into these children's lives and think that you have the right to demand this title?.
By reading these posts its so obvious many of you only look after these kids out of duty, and are probably jealous of the relationships these kids have with their dad's.
If you want to be known as a 'step mum' then surely you should earn that right?. No one expects you to love another woman's children but you must treat them with respect and not come on forums like this moaning because you have to look after them etc!.
Some of you just sound completely jealous that your partner has a past. Sorry to say but you knew the score before you got with him so, basically, if you can't stand the heat get out of the kitchen!!!
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