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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Step-parenting

Rant time again, (D)BS shoved and hurt DS1

12 replies

GwynAndBearIt · 11/01/2011 14:40

Says it all in the title really, apparently they were having a discussion

DS1: we're going round to Y house after lunch isn't that great?'

DBS: no we're going to see Z

DS1: no, to Y

etc, times about 3

then

DBS: NO WE'RE NOT!!

(D)BS said he accidentally pushed him - I don't believe it and am fuming and wanttokillhim

Please help me calm down in time for his next visit.

OP posts:

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Louii · 11/01/2011 14:43

What's DBS ?

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GwynAndBearIt · 11/01/2011 15:17

Sorry to confuse I've just got in the habit of using it, mjovertherainbow explains it here:-

"DBC Dear Bonus Children
DBS Dear Bonus Son

Etc

Its an attempt to move mumsnet into the modern world and away from the disney connotations of step child, step mother etc

there is a thread about it somewhere"

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FreudianSlipIntoMyLaptop · 11/01/2011 15:19

How old are they?

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GwynAndBearIt · 11/01/2011 15:21

sorry again, yes that's rather relevant isn't it?

DS1 is 6 and DBS is 15, so about three times his size!

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mjovertherainbow · 11/01/2011 15:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

GwynAndBearIt · 11/01/2011 16:17

eek mj! that's sounds far worse!

but still, it is what it is, physical aggression for (as far as I'm aware) the first time.

I've not liked the tone he takes with him for some time but this is the first known physical incident and now I don't want them in the same room alone together. DS1 barely did anything to provoke it other than the 'yes it is/no it isn't' argument.

His feelings were badly hurt too

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Greeninkmama · 11/01/2011 17:08

I watched my DN (19) shove his half-sister (8) hard off the sofa when she was badgering him a couple of weeks ago. He was really provoked and lost it.

Totally unacceptable... but then again we all lose it sometimes and it is hard to manage your temper all the time. I would tell your DBS calmly that physical aggression is not acceptable in your home and that you don't ever want him to use force against DS again. He may well have felt shocked himself - and sorry - for the strength of the shove.

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seeker · 11/01/2011 17:12

Hmm. Tricky.

If my ds was winding up my dd (they are 9 and 15) and she got cross and pushed him I might be inclined to turn a blind eye to be honest. Little siblings can be the worst wind up merchants in the world. But I think the step relationship makes it harder. Sorry - I'm not helping, am I?

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GwynAndBearIt · 11/01/2011 19:00

not really

I do get what you're saying about wind-ups but this really kicked off so quickly, DS came into the room with DBS and

DS1: we're going round to Y house after lunch isn't that great?'

etc as above

then DBS shouted his final NO WE'RE NOT and shoved him quick as that, and that's what I'm worried and angry about really, that he lost it with him so quickly and over nothing.

And I know he's my PFB and all that but he really is so small up against a 5'9" 15 year old.

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Greeninkmama · 12/01/2011 08:03

Yes but it has only happened once. Talking to your DBS about not being aggressive and also acknowledging how annoying a little brother can be and trying to discuss how he might deal with his irritation could be useful. Your DBS may well feel ashamed and embarrassed - and welcome an opportunity to apologise. I know it's hard though.

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pleasechange · 13/01/2011 13:04

Gwyn - does DBS seem in any way sorry/embarrassed? If he does, then ok, yes, tell him not acceptable etc and how DS is only small etc is appropriate.

But if he doesn't really seem sorry then that's a bit different really. There is SUCH a large age difference that this isn't normal older sibling getting annoyed with younger sibling and reacting, it seems a lot more like bullying.

I'd watch the situation very carefully indeed. What did DP say?

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GwynAndBearIt · 13/01/2011 13:48

No, didn't appear sorry at all, just said 'I didn't hurt him deliberately tut' in a ' he's being ridiculous ' voice.

DH had a word directly after it happened about it being wrong to physically shove someone and especially being so small etc, he put up a weak denial/not on purpose then just shrugged and it wasn't mentioned anymore. DS didn't go near him for the rest of the day though, I think he was really hurt.

I really don't think DH knew what to do or say, I know he was angry too, and didn't believe his 'accident' bullshit, if you knew DS1, I mean he is so gentle and placid. DS2 is 3 and swipes his toys or gets in his face when he's playing his NDS for e.g, (If anyone's the wind-up merchant it's that little one!) but DS has never, ever retaliated physically, - not so much as a push away.

Will definitely be keeping a close eye on this, I have made it clear to DH how I feel about it and I won't tolerate it.