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Step-parenting

DSD (16) coming to live with us?

73 replies

notremotelyintofootie · 09/01/2011 18:58

Ok, this post is a bit of a mix if a moan and asking for sone info and advice....

Dh and I have been together almost 5 years, married for 3 and between us we have dd who is 14 months old now. Dh works shifts, in a very important but low paid care role, I am on a full time funded phd with about 12-16 months left. I have ds who is 11 and there is dsd who is almost 16 and lives with her mum, stepdad and brother who is about 5 or 6...

Dh used to see dsd alot when he lived closer (we are -about 60 miles away) and when I got with dh I would drive up and collect her and take her back every couple of weekends, when she became a teen the frequency dropped as she wanted to do stuff with her mates etc and that was fine, I also encouraged her to use the train to visit and she enjoys that, over the past year or so we are lucky to see her every couple of months and usually when we can get up there, due to erratic shift patterns, but dh calls her 2-3 times a week, texts and u use facebook and twitter to chat with her, the effort is all one sided though... There has been some issues between dsd and her mum, dsd will sleep all day and is quite lazy although she is a sweet polite girl! She gas stolen alcohol and been drinking gin during the day but that is sorted... When dsd and ds are together dsd openly ignores ds and didn't bother with Xmas presents for him or dd despite being reminded, ds went and spent his pocket money on her Xmas present (we gave ds and dd presents in the end and docked her pocket money...)

Anyway, we live in a lively uni town and dsd has decided she wants to live with us after her gcse's, dh is delighted but I have reservations... Firstly I don't think dsd gas considered that she will miss her friends, she us shy and making new friends will be hard, she will have to do a lot more chores here as we work full time, she'll need a part tind job as we have no spare cash at all and she will have to interact with ds!

We are currently in a 3 bed house, was in a 2 bed until 8 months ago and if dsd comes to live here then dd will have to come in with me and dh until dsd leaves home, we cannot afford a 4 bed place, the rent on a 3 bed is £1000, on a 4 bed you are looking at £1600 a month as it's prime student rental size! we also only have s small living room so would really be on top of each other!

I have tried talking through these issues with dh but he just says I am being negative, it also doesn't help that since saying about moving dsd had made no effort to visit more and look around, check out colleges etc!

Anyway, advice wise.... Can anyone help tell me how much extra per month it is likely ro cost me in terms if food/water/power/phone etc to have a 16 year old living here? I can then look at it realistically Nd try and fjnc ways of making it work! I really dong need extra stress at the moment and dh dies stick his head in the sand about this stuff and perhaps if he realises he'll either have to get another job or give up his beer money to keep us afloat he might look at things properly!

Sorry it's so long!

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notremotelyintofootie · 09/01/2011 19:00

Sorry for typos!

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CarGirl · 09/01/2011 19:03

You will get more CTC and CB and possibly part council tax and housing benefit?

I would suggest you and dh having the middle room and the 2 dds sharing, after all why should dsd get her own room......

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Greeninkmama · 09/01/2011 19:35

Eek - poor you! I don't think you can do anything to stop it - you can't stop a dad having his own DC to live with him.

I would wait until you know it is definitely happening and then sit down with the DSD and tell her what the ground rules are going to be (having first agreed them with DH). I would also let your DH raise the practical issues himself - don't come up with solutions that you don't like.

However, if she isn't visiting you any more and she isn't doing anything about visiting colleges etc, then she may well have had second thoughts herself. Or it may be just one of those things that has been said. It's lovely for your DSD to know that she can come and live with her dad if she wants to - just knowing that may be all she needed to hear.

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coldtits · 09/01/2011 19:39

Firstly, you'll get her child benefit as long as she's at college. Secondly, there's no reason why she can't share with her sister. This means, of course, no brooding in her room. Thirdly ... you married a man with a child, you must have thought about the child wanting to live with him at some point?

Lay down your rules, as long as they are fair, and she will have to live with them, but I really don't think you should be dissuading her unless you really think it would be bad for her.

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notremotelyintofootie · 09/01/2011 19:44

Hi, she still wants to come, was talking to dh about it today...

I did suggest dsd and dd sharing but dh won't have it, he doesn't think it's fair on dsd to have to share!! On the rare occasion she stays here we have to move dd out of her cot into a travel cot in our room, it's a nightmare as dh snores and wakes her up so many times! I don't see the marriage surviving to be honest if we have to have dd in with us and dsd being treated like a princess.... Arghhh

I would never say she can't live here, that wouldn't be fair but I have to be honest and say I would really rather she stayed at her mums and visited! Also, no idea at what age she'd leave.... Dh's brother stayed at home until mid twenties and dh doesn't see anything wrong with that! Eek indeed!

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notremotelyintofootie · 09/01/2011 19:47

And I did say when she was 12/13 she could live with us as I know we'd be a good role model for her re work and study etc but shd didn't Want to then and if she had come to live here then we would have reconsidered having dd due to the practicalities...

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Greeninkmama · 09/01/2011 19:51

You should be entitled to maintenance from the mother as well as child benefit, wouldn't you? Or at the very least, your DH would stop paying maintenance to her.

You should definitely discussing with your DS the sleeping arrangements. Could you suggest converting the living room into a bedroom? Might be a way of countering the argument that DD comes in with you if you really don't want that to happen (I wouldn't either but also don't blame him for not wanting to inflict a toddler on his DD!).

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CarGirl · 09/01/2011 19:52

Hmmm well I'd give dsd the small room.

My other thought would be that dd has a cot in the corner of your ds's room (give him the largest one) and she could start off in your room in the travel cot and move her into ds's room when you go to bed? Also you can store all her clothes etc in there.

Is the large room not big enough to divide into 2 with cabin bed so they have seperate areas?

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NonnoMum · 09/01/2011 20:05

My DSS came to live with us at age 16 and I think we were a bit naive about the impact it would have on us. For a start, by the age of 16 children have got used to very different household rules - he is on a completely different timescale to us. He is getting up for breakfast when we are doing lunch. He was very used to a household that all ate separately - I'm into three sit-down meals/no eating in the front room etc. I thought teenagers were out all the time - little did I know that teenagers are in all the time these days, on FB etc.
Saying that, the children really like him and he seems to be getting his head round the fact that education and hard work might be the only way forward.

But it's tough.

And, there is not much you can do, especially as your DH doesn't seem to appreciate your worries.

And this is one of the reasons that second marriages have a much higher break up rate than first.

Sorry to be gloomy but it's hard (but not impossible). The only thing that keeps me going is feeling a bit sorry for him that his mother has pretty much abandoned him.

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notremotelyintofootie · 09/01/2011 20:07

Unfortunately all the rooms are pretty small... Ds's room also has some damp in there...

The living room is an open plan kitchen and living room so cannot be a bedroom and if we did that anyway we would have no where to sit as a family or even for dd to play during the day... I wish there was a simple answer to the bed situation but dh won't consider the girls sharing so I guess it means dd in with us and no sleep for anyone!

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coldtits · 09/01/2011 20:10

No it doesn't. he won't consier his daughter sharing but it's ok for his OTHER DAUGHTER not to have a bedroom at all?

No way.

Stand your ground. She joins your house, then she joins the house as it is.

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notremotelyintofootie · 09/01/2011 20:16

Dh also works night shifts every couple of weeks and so dd being in with us will affect her ability to have naps during the day in her cot....as dh will need to sleep!

It's frustrating as dd is only just learning to sleep through the night and I was hoping to have a decent room to rest in especially ad for the next year I will be writing up my thesis and looking for work do a stressful time anyway! I know I am being selfish, it's just do much easier for everyone including dsd if she stayed at her mums! They have more room and all her friends are there! She will be so lonely here and won't have the amount of parental attention she has at the moment ( her mum doesn't work... So no maintenance there either....)

Oh well, I will just have to try and work out a way to make it work if she comes here!

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CarGirl · 09/01/2011 20:19

I had 4 dcs in a 3 bed house (easier than you as youngest 3 very close in age) My youngest used to have her nap in the travel cot weekdays in one of the other bedrooms so the older dc could still play in their bedroom.

My other thought is could your dd sleep in the travel cot in the lounge when you go to bed so at least dh doesn't disturb her?

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notremotelyintofootie · 09/01/2011 20:23

Dh won't let dd sleep downstairs alone, he worries about loads of things and the boiler is in there too...

Thanks for the suggestions! There must be a way through this! I do sometimes think it would be so much easier if it was just me, ds and dd! Not the healthiest thought I know!

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MargaretGraceBondfield · 09/01/2011 20:26

Well Good Luck Op!! I have no experience to offer except that at sixteen I moved away from all of my friends from school, horrid clique that I wanted to escape/. It worked really well for me and I was much much happier!

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MargaretGraceBondfield · 09/01/2011 20:28

not....make sure you and your DH maintain communication throughout this, everyone has to be considered you dsd is not arriving as a special guest and in order for it work for anyone you and your DH must remain tight,.

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notremotelyintofootie · 09/01/2011 20:33

I think that might be a part of the problem too... When dsd dies stay, dh becomes Disney dad and will let her stay up as late as she likes, usually until 1 or 2 and of course dh stays up too so j enc up going to bed alone at 11 or so then the two of them seem much happier and stay in bed in the morning! I have said about this before butbit falls on deaf ears.... Oh well, I can hope that if it's a long term thing that my opinions might be heard more...

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notremotelyintofootie · 09/01/2011 20:34

Does stay not dies stay! Arghhh

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MargaretGraceBondfield · 09/01/2011 20:38

These are the things that will magnify and so perhaps you and DH could get some ground rules now, involve dsd in a proper 'what is expected of you..' conversation and move on from there.

Good luckxx


I now have to go as I have four dcs, a husband away on business and as usual 3/4 are ill almost the moment his plane takes off!!

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coldtits · 09/01/2011 20:39

Dh won't let, dh won't like, dh won't have, dh won't allow - do you get no say in the way you run your house?

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CarGirl · 09/01/2011 20:46

Perhaps you should give your ds the best bedroom in the house - see if dh likes that idea????

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notremotelyintofootie · 09/01/2011 20:51

Coldtits! Lol no I dont when it comes to dsd....

Cargirl... I would get slatted big time with cries of 'oh the little prince!' typical hypocrit I'm afraid!

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CarGirl · 09/01/2011 20:54

Perhaps you should respond to his desires with a "how would you feel if ds did/had/got that?"

They would have to be considered on equal footing if dsd was living with you.

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Greeninkmama · 09/01/2011 21:00

That sounds really hard. And I have been thinking since I last posted, am I right to say that you can't veto the idea? I suggested to my DH that DSS could live here if schools didn't work out in his mother's area. DH was so pleased and grateful - and his reaction made me realise that my agreement would be crucial to any such arrangement rather than a given.

Have you actually told DH that you are worried that DSD coming might mean the end of your marriage? That might be a good thing to share if you think he could take it.

Also, it might be worth telling him that you simply cannot cope with the idea of DD sharing your bedroom for all the reasons you have outlined (all v v sensible and true). That means that if DSD does come to live with you, you have to find a bigger home - funded with maintenance from exW, child benefit etc etc etc. That might give him a problem to solve - rather than you having to think of the solution for him.

I think women often think everything through and come up with solutions that seem to work, but don't meet their own needs - then we get resentful. Sometimes just stating what the problem is might be more helpful.

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CarGirl · 09/01/2011 21:16

Well I guess your dh will have to sleep on the sofa bed in the lounge then as he is the one who disturbs your dd......

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