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Help ! - My DP's ex is using their D in a vendetta against us

(3 Posts)
Swanlike Tue 21-Dec-10 02:41:06

Hello, I'm new here so apologies if you've gone over this topic before! I met my partner about 18 months ago and he has a daughter who's now 6 who spends every other weekend and holidays with him.

We were together for over a year before I met his daughter, which was fine by me, as I wanted to wait until we knew each other well.

Before I met his daughter, DP discussed this with his ex, and answered any questions about me that she had - name, age, job etc. I offered to talk to her directly on the phone or to meet her so she could see that I'm a reasonable person, but she apparently did not want to talk to me. DP still has a problematic relationship with his ex even tho they split up 2.5 years before we met.

We don't live together, so I've been spending a few hours each weekend with my DP and his daughter - I'm conscious that I don't want to interfere in their relationship which is very close. I have no intention of becoming a step-mum as such, but I hope that me and my DP will be together for a long time and his DD is very important to him, so she's also important to me. She's also a lovely kid, bright and funny. I was enjoyng getting to know her.

But (and you knew that there had to be a but!) I'm really struggling as my DP's ex is now using his daughter in some kind of vendetta against me/us. I have never met the ex, so can't know why she's doing this, but my DP has told me that, in his opinion, she has mental health and alcohol issues. She has haranged her D on the phone, who's just six, to call me a bitch, whilst she knows that I'm there. She has told the D lies (we think) which means that she will now not speak to me directly, make eye contact with me or eat any food that I've made - this has changed for the worst in the 5 or 6 months that I've known her. The ex interrogates her D on the phone when she's at my DP's about every aspect of my interaction with her D. She has turned up at my DPs (luckily I wasn't there) and made upsetting scenes in front of her D, calling me and my DP all kinds of names.

In the midst of this we've just tried to be normal and do low key things together with the D, like going out for a walk and having lunch or meet friends who also have children. It's really hard though, given the D's behaviour towards me, especially seeing her interact normally with other people. I feel like I'm ruining some of her precious time with her dad. My DP, in the meantime, has distanced himself from his ex considerably and has tried to get less involved with her behaviors such as long ranting abusive phone calls. Me and my DP have been more ratty with each other recently and I feel like I'm being more distant with him.

I have no right to judge this woman, as I don't know her, but as a step-child myself, it makes me feel sad and at the same time angry that her D is being involved in adult relationships and difficulties which could be damaging to her. I hate being made a part of this and would prefer to be on amicable terms with the ex - there's no reason for us not to be.

Has anyone else been through this? Do we just carry on doggedly being normal and hope that the ex will get bored and move on? Or am I kidding myself and this will never stop? Is there anything I can do to improve this situation? It would be great to hear from others, as I don't have any close friends who've been in a similar situation and can talk to about this.

skyswept Sat 01-Jan-11 22:00:34


I think it sounds like a really complicated situation and difficult to comment on.

Be over nice to the child all the time and eventually she will she you are a nice person and forget the poison.

I think rest the situation and leave it to the partner to do everything for the child unless he can encourage her to show you some kindness.

I hope it improves

mjinsparklystockings Sun 02-Jan-11 11:23:07

Message withdrawn

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