Boyfriend to Stay(11 Posts)
Teen DBD due to come and visit and DH said he'd pick her up as usual, but she said no, its OK BF will drive her up and can take her back the next day. ie Both with stop over together.
Now my immediate reaction was where BF was going to sleep, but it appears the plan is that they will share. DH is OK with this and she's over 16 so no problems there. Yes, I would have like to have been asked if her BF could stop over before it was arranged, since its my bloody house as well but have got past ever expecting my opinion to count on that score.
However, it turns out that Ex has no idea that BF is coming up and staying over as DBD hasn't told her that bit. I think DH should say something as we will get no end of crap if this gets out. HE says that its up to DBD to tell her mum, not him and if Ex has a problem with it, would have to take it up with DBD. As her Dad its up to him to decide whether BF can stay over in his house, not ex. I can see where he's coming from and I can also see that he wants to be the "cool, easygoing" parent, but I think this is going to brew up into a fight when (not if) ex finds out...
I think a quiet word with DBD is in order to say a) you need to ask if its OK, not assume and b) talk to your mum, but DH won't hear it. Don't know what advice, if any, there is, but would it be completely out of order to suggest that she doesn't assume she can use a visit to us to shag her boyfriend spend time with her boyfriend?
OK, my personal view is that:
1. Once the sex genie is out of the bottle, it is more important that she is doing it somewhere safe and using protection. I agree with your DH that it is his decision what happens in his house.
2. Since this is the first time she has done this she is probably trying to act cool and laid back about it. If she is not usually rude and thoughtless then I would think this is the reason for her behaviour. Whether you make an issue of this is up to you, but I would ignore it or keep it very low key. Don't do anything to embarrass her in front of her BF. Also, it is not unreasonable for her to think that her father's home is also her home. But being part of a family does not absolve you from common courtesies.
3. The issue with her mother is more difficult. I think you are right to worry that this is a problem in the making. I think she should tell her mother that she is sleeping with her BF and let her know that her Dad will support her/ his position with her mother. As she is over 16 her mother cannot stop her seeing her Dad, so this is an issue where they can agree to differ, without it being about Dad wanting to be cool.
4. Make sure there are condoms in the house and that she knows where they are.
I let my son sleep with his GF in our home (both 17); my ex doesn't. He turned up with her the first time at 10pm without prior warning and a don't embarrass me glare, but once we had got over that hurdle, he has been perfectly polite and let me know what the arrangements are.
I dont agree its up to her dad whether its ok. I would tell him that its up to both of you in your house - I wouldnt really I'm a wuss and usually roll over and die and make like am invisible !!
But I do think that whatever you decide about the mums right to know or otherwise its clearly your right to have a say or at least be informed who is likely to pop up in your kitchen /bathroom in the wee small hours !
Maybe an idea would be to trade EXWs 'rights' in favour of your own IYSWIM.
Self preservation is the name of the game in this s/parenting mallarkey. So if you back up your DH fully on his stance that EXW has not got any 'right' to be told by him at least then you will be in a stronger position to say but I have got a right to be told and consulted. You will be flattering his man of the house ego by agreeing with him on former and so in return he will be more likely to back you on your 'conditions'. Otherwise it will seem as though you are going against him on two issues and he might just decide to dig his heels in and cut you and his exw out of the consultation loop.
I've lost miself on this post but I know what I mean
Sorry, meant to say, that I agree you have a right to be asked/ informed about who is in your house, but that the first time this happens kids are often self-conscious, embarrassed and end up being rude because they are trying to act blase.
This is not about "your rights" as much as her courage in opening up, and not getting it exactly right first time.
If this was the usual way your home is treated I would feel differently.
Yes Jaybird I agree absolutely that maybe 'let it go' this time but then maybe instead of OP championing EXWs 'rights' to be informed/consulted and going against her DHs stance - I think she should worry more about her own rights and point out to DH that she will back him on how he wants to play it with exw - but OP herself should stress that she expects to be informed /consulted in future.
The fact is that the conversation happened between DBD and DH and then I was just told that DBD and BF were staying over on the weekend. I had no say in this whatsoever. It doesn't matter that its my home, its his daughter so he makes the decision with no input from me.
The annoying things is that I wouldn't actually care if they stopped over as I am not the moral police, but I would like for someone to at least pretend to have some manners and ask me rather than present a done deal.
I also know full well that DBD is not allowed BF to stay over at Ex's house as she has said as much, so on the bright side, if when this kicks off I can enjoy DH dealing with the fall out without my input too!
Absolutely my dear CH - thats where I'm coming from. Time to be a bit selfish and not worry about other people - i.e EXW when she finds out or even DHs when he gets stick about it. If nobody is cutting you into loop on this occasion then nobody can expect you to get involved in the fallout. And tell DH you will drop it about having a word with DBD about the 'fait accompli' and you will drop it about him not telling exw - on this occasion but you expect to be involved on future such occasions.
All obviously just IMO btw
Hmm not sure. It's a respect thing that they should ask first. It is your home and you should have been consulted. The mother thing is down to her though. My step son is 18 and I do not agree that his girlfriend should stay over as we have smaller children around. It makes me feel uncomfortable in my own home for me and the children. His girlfriend comes over but it is clear she needs to be walked home at ten when we go to bed. Sorry I may appear old fashioned but my house my rules when you get you own place/ pay bills do as you please. (not that it works i am still invisible)
I agree Abip - I have a 16 yr old, and if she has a BF over he can go up to her room but the door stays open, and certainly no overnighters - she did ask once! she does have parties with a houseful staying over - falling over comatose bodies the next morning, but they are all friends with only a bit of "snogging" going on - yes I know it's not called that but that's what we called it
It's tricky staying one step ahead, isn't it?
You absolutely have the right to be included in the decision of what goes on under your own roof.
Your DH is sending out quite a message there.....your opinion doesn't count!
As for BF staying over and her mum not knowing, this all sounds very underhand. Agree, you don't want her going off and being in an unsafe environment. She will be having sex anyway but no, I wouldn't want it under my roof at that age. Absolutely not.
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