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Tired of step daughter, dp can't control her

(23 Posts)
slimbo Tue 30-Nov-10 15:44:47

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HecateQueenOfWitches Tue 30-Nov-10 15:47:09

What has he said when you have explained all this to him. How he has responded to you when you have detailed to him what you say here will be the starting point for any advice people may be able to give you.

scurryfunge Tue 30-Nov-10 15:54:47

Sit down with her -with DH as well and explain how things are going to be in the house from now on, in terms of job expectations, etc.

Your DH sounds weak and probably feels guilty that her mum has thrown her out and is over compensating by allowing poor behaviour.

He needs to get tough. It is easier to modify teens behaviour with rewards and sanctions and you are absolutely right to expect pocket money, tv, computer time etc to feature in this.

slimbo Tue 30-Nov-10 16:02:21

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CarGirl Tue 30-Nov-10 16:15:46

I would find some parenting classes to go on pronto! Sounds like she needs and wants some boundaries so he need to put some there for her.

notremotelyintofootie Tue 30-Nov-10 17:45:23

I would also question giving het the child benefit money! That is money to support her, clothes goodness or do you get her to
Buy all her own clothes and food etc? £20 a month is plenty for a 12 year old and your do is doing het no favours at all!

Good luck, it needs some serious talking with consequences like you say!

notremotelyintofootie Tue 30-Nov-10 17:45:58

Food etc not goodness! Sorry'

slimbo Tue 30-Nov-10 18:00:06

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

independiente Wed 01-Dec-10 11:59:50

You don't sound awful.
Of course she hasn't improved in the last 7 months, where's the incentive to change? You scream if you want something, and instead of being told off and sanctioned, you get £80 per month and let off your chores.

houseproject Wed 01-Dec-10 14:05:41

Hi,

He does seem to have a problem parenting her and the more he allows the behaviour to escalate the worse it will be become until she is completely uncontrollable.
Firstly I would make some allowance for hormones - 12 feels like a peak age. I recall that my usually lovely dd turned 12 she got moody. We explained to her how it was impacting the family and she try to correct it. Your dh needs to get firm and consistent however as it's important he steers her through the next few years.

Firstly just agree what are the family rules - make them visible. Doing 1 or 2 household chores a day is reasonable. Laying the table, emptying the dishwasher etc. She should also be responsible for her room and putting washing in the laundry basket. Make sure you have reasonable sanctions when rules are broken, nothing too intolerable but I found taking away a phone or PC for a few hours or overnight helped. Lastly it seems she wants more time with her dad. Can he schedule time with her, just a few hours a week? On giving her CB - think he's mad..he should give her pocket money but he needs to ensure that she learns how to budget. £80 per month at her age is too much responsibility. He should put £50 a month away for savings for her.
Also (maybe hard to do) BUT when she does something pleasant - maybe plays with hr stepsister, make sure you thank her and acknowledge her effort. If she behaves well one day - let her know at the end of the day. In some ways you have to treat her like a toddler. Children often learn to manipulate parents, especially those who carry 'guilt' - your DH has to get over that and help his daughter grow into a responsible adult.

NotActuallyAMum Wed 01-Dec-10 15:00:26

slimbo, apart from me being childless I could have written your posts almost word for word 4 years ago, so much so that some parts of them have made me shiver

To cut a very long story short, the outcome in our case was that my DH eventually (for the first time ever) lost his rag with her, telling her that he'd had enough and that as of now she's to pull her weight and stop being such a spoilt brat. She knew he meant it (DH never loses it, not with anyone - he's far too laid back) and within 10 minutes she was on the phone to her Mum who immediately came to collect her

That was the last he saw of her. They moved away from the area a couple of months later, DH doesn't even know where she lives

Please tell this to your DH because it could happen to him if he doesn't get a grip on the situation

slimbo Wed 01-Dec-10 18:37:01

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

harassedinhertinselpants Thu 02-Dec-10 11:49:12

My dbd is 12 years old and behaves similarly to her mother at the moment. She's also very lazy when at ours, and can't manage to put a thing in the dishwasher!! She's rude too, ignores me or gives me dirty looks and speaks very insolently to dh. The difference between me and you is that I've had teenagers (ds1 is 21, ds2 is 19 and dd is 4), and I wouldn't take that behaviour from them and I won't take it from dsd either. You have to tell her if she's rude to you or to your dh in your prescence. I don't mean have a go at, but say "Dsd that was a very rude way to speak to me/your father". If dsd tries to ignore me, then I repeat the question until I get an answer (usually with a dirty look, by hey!).

She'll be feeling very rejected by her mother and is pushing her fathers buttons to see just how much bad bahaviour she can get away with before he rejects her too. She will be convinced that he'll throw her out too.

Can you not have a girls day (or morning!) out with her to try and create more of a bond?

slimbo Thu 02-Dec-10 15:44:13

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

harassedinhertinselpants Thu 02-Dec-10 15:49:49

The way I see it is she's in your house, so is your responsibility too. That's how I treat dsd. We have had "ishoos" but that's from her mother, and we seem to have sorted it bar the normal teenage stuff.

Thing is, if she's not been told/picked up on this before then she's probably not aware she's being rude!

I'd let her get on with her martrydom, I'm sure she'll tire of toast before you do grin.

millyjay Thu 02-Dec-10 15:53:33

I think you really do need to try and talk to SD, she is probably very angry and scared having been rejected by her own mum and as a defence she is not prepared to get close to anyone else.

I think she does need boundaries, but also unconditional love to try and restore her broken self confidence.

12 is still quite young and you really need to build a relationship before the real teens kit in otherwise there may be real problems with drink and drugs if she has the money to buy this.

Try and talk to her and DH and even make a list, write a letter trying to explain where you are so that it doesn't break down into a shouting match all the time.

Lonnie Fri 03-Dec-10 11:24:24

Slimbo

As you do not choose to cook her food I would point out that you choose to not buy the bread she is eating so she has to go buy her own with her £80 she has and that you chose not to wash up after her hence she has to do the dishes of everything she uses.

You also choose to not clean up teh bathroom after her hence she has to do that every time she leaves it and you choose to not hover around where she might walk around so she can do that too.

Point out to her that if she wants some of teh benefits around the house (such as tidiness and food in teh cuppboard0 she has to take some of the responsibillities.

I would get a mediator (contact your local CAB to find out where one is) and then sit down amongst all of you and sort out some resonable deicsion. it may be she doesnt like doing the dishes but would happily hoover the house for you 3 times a week. I still havent forgiven my mother for making me do the dishes every day I HATE it as a job I still do now at 40 I happily hoover when it is needed. Give her some say in what happens to her but make sure she knows she HAS to take part in the household as that is how a family works and like it or not she is a part of it.

I would also suggest you get her to see a counsellor having you rmotehr throw you out of the house is a huge big deal and it has to be hard for her.

and lastly I suggest a HUGE glass of wine/cup of coffee what ever is your fancy and a big bar of chocolate for you.. (and lots and logs of patience the fact she doesnt talk to you like that suggest she has got an idea of how to behave )

LadyLapsang Sun 12-Dec-10 18:30:44

I think you sound like you all need to go to some kind of family counselling, what does her counsellor advise? I don't think caring, effective parents would allow a child to just eat bread for 3 days. I feel sorry for her. I think you need to deal with whatever the real problem is & its obviously not the washing up!

If you have enough money and space why don't you buy a dishwasher?

slimbo Mon 13-Dec-10 22:01:25

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mom3Kids Tue 05-Jul-11 01:55:42

Don't feel like there is something more you can do. The girl is trash! I would leave the situation pronto. If you don't think you can I would recomend threatining her physically. Show her that her life is CHEAP! If you feel that this wouldnt sufficently scare her try to score up some coke and plant it on her. Call the bobbies and let them sorth the little 13itch out. If they send her home and the issues pop up again plant more coke. Phuck little trashy kids like this, sympathy means nothing.

catsmother Tue 05-Jul-11 09:02:21

Blimey .... that's a really well thought out level headed response to Slimbo's problem isn't it. (old thread BTW)

slimbo Tue 05-Jul-11 16:56:33

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NanaNina Sat 09-Jul-11 22:31:04

Oh Slimbo - what a mess. Before I say any more, can I say that I am a SM (though thankfully my SC are grown with their own families.) I think this 12 year old girl is emotionally very vulnerable and probably scared too. She has been "kicked out" by her mother and will now testing out her dad to see when/if he is going to kick her out. What do you know of the circumstances of how she was parented by her mother, and has she always had contact with her dad.

I honestly think the issues are deeper than household chores and eating toast or not or what. She can't really have any conception of what yo have given up for her - she's acting big and brash but inside there is a scared little kid who is afraid her dad is going to kick her out. Does she want to go back to mother - is she maybe punishing her dad for some reason. Whatever it is, the girl is clearly unhappy and is at an age when she is on the brink of adolesence and all the hormones etc.

Sorry if you think I am not understanding your postition Slimbo - I am honest (I've been there and had some very very miserable years with a DP who would not confront his DD over anything etc etc etc)

The £80 child benefit given to her is ludicrous and needs to be stopped NOW. Your DP needs to know that he is trying (and failing) to buy her affection. I think you should stop all the stuff about bedrooms and washing up etc etc and try to get to the nitty gritty of what this is all about. Teenagers are incredibly self centred and often have no idea of the effect that they are having on others.

You and your DP need to communicate about the problems. Write down all your concerns and discuss them one by one. Don't let it end in an argument - stay calm and be assertive and make him know that you are no longer preapred to tiptoe round this young girl. I know you will be now be disliking her a lot (it's ok to admit it - most SMs know about disliking, hating even loathing though find it hard to admit) but I think you might be the best person to get alongside her and talk to her about her feelings, about what happened with mom, about her dad and how she feels about living with you - school, friends etc. Incidentally how is she doing at school. Once you have built a few bridges it will be easier (maybe) to talk to her about being less rude to her dad and having a go at settling down to a more comfortable life with you.

Oh god, can't believe I've just written all that - it's not that I don't think it's the right way forward, but I know I couldn't have done that with my SD when she was 12.........I couldn't stand her (I feel I was emotionally immature then and could not see how hurt she was over her life at home with her mother etc etc - she was also very spotty and teased at school, and told a lot of fantasy type lies which drove me mad.

Sorry I am just confusing you I'm sure.

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