DSD behaves like a total Princess....

[Ladyanonymous]

I have 3 DC's 2 boys one girl OH also has 3, 2 girls, one boy - we also both have our children with two previous partners making 4 ex's.

OH is in the forces so is away a lot, his kids live at opposite ends of the country, but he has them at mine (he doesn't has his own place as he lives on the base)as much as is possible. We have the girls (4 and 6) more often that his DS (15). The last 6 months we have had his girls every other weekend (more or less) which at times has been really stressful as I am catering for 7 people and I work full time so the weekends with 5 kids are not a break for me.

I love his kids though and I feel its important where his job permits for them to have as regular access to his as possible.

Thing is his DD2 (4) just gets on with it and it a pretty tough little cookie and no trouble at all, his DD1 is a PITA a lot of the time and he puts her needs over and above the other childrens allowing her to winge and moan and have her own way constantly. She won't leave his side even when we take them out for the day to soft play for example. He lets her stay up really late (as late as the other but my eldest is 13 and she is just 6) and she then gets up at 7am and comes iunto our room and wake us and everyone else up. TBH I am not comfortabler with her climbing into bed with us and I just feel really sorry for his DD2 who his DD1 pushes away from him all the time and she always gets left out but never complains.

I know I sound like a bitch - but every time she comes now its just grating on me - I know she misses her dad and there have been times when maybe she didn't know whenshe might bsee him again which can't have helped but sometimes she just does my head in!!

Argh - thats better - I will go to hell I am sure as she is just 6 yr old girl who misses her dad.

I

[Bonsoir]

I don't think you can prevent a 6 year old girl from getting into bed in the morning with her daddy who she probably misses terribly. It sounds to me as if his DD1 lacks paternal affection - can your OH spend some more one-on-one time with her on a regular basis?

[Ladyanonymous]

he spends all his time and attention on her and she shoves DD2 out of the way if he gives her any affection - DD1 is a sweet kid - it just got to me this weekend esp when we had a leaf fight at the park and he shoved a load of leaves up my DS1's top and she did too and when he went to throw some back at DD1 he went mental at him...does my head in a bit - esp when she is naughty and her doesn'y believe she has been and then tells me how to discipline my own kids.

Its just a bloody minefeild.

[WildistheWind]

Hi LA- I will be back later with thoughts ( at work ) but initially- The problem lies with your OH treating her differently .

[FreudianFoxSquishedByAPouffe]

Is there any way DH and dd1 can spend time together without the other DD? And then swap?

[Mummynumber2]

We had this problem with DBD1 for years. She couldn't, and still at the age of 14, cope with seeing here dad give attention to DBD2 or DBS, which DP dealt with for a long time by giving her a lot of attention at the expense of his other DCs. In her case it steamed from the fact that she believed (with some validity I think) that her mum preferred and gave more attention to DBD2 and DSD. When she got a bit older she became quite attention seeking of him, if I had them on my own, after being very happy all day as soon as he walked in the door she would pretend to cry!

In the end (after a lot of upset from DBD2) he came up with a system where he would take it in turns to give them all some 1 on 1 time, doing nothing too fancy, maybe a walk in the park, doing lego or puzzle together etc.) She and the others were aware that they would get their turn and things did settle down quite a bit. Also we (well, I when I moved in!) put together a bedtime routine where bedtimes were staggered and each child got some special time before bed. They were a bit older that yours when this was in place but I'm not sure if any of this can help you?

[Ladyanonymous]

Actually I have a staggered bedtime with my own kids which really works - sometimes when hes palying with DD2 at the parl or whatever I will go and play with her which she used to be okay with but this weekend she was like "I want daddy to push me on the swing/help me on the see saw etc - I just told him that daddy was helping DD2 and that I could help her or she would have to wait.

Even when he hugs me or holds my hand etc she pushes me out of the way - I do understand I have to take a back seat but the weekends are the only time I see him too and I think thats why the bed thing gets on my nerves as they go so late "because he never sees them" which strictly isn't true now as I have enabled him to see them every other weekend at my home - and she bursts into the bedroom really early (5am this weekend) when we are more than kissing sometimes . I do have a lock on the door but she will kick and whine.

I never put up with that with my own kids.

[Ladyanonymous]

Sorry awful typos, tying too quickly and badly!!

[Biobytes]

I know where are you coming from. I think that what I find more annoying is not the child's behaviour but the constant reinforcing of such behaviour by the parent.

I don't think you are a bitch, if you were you wouldn't be able to cope with the other siblings of this girl.

I have to say that in my case I find the shoving everyone to the side to attend to the whims (not needs) of the child, only makes the child more demanding, meaner to the other siblings and yes, more selfish. My partner gets so defensive about his little 5 yr old prince sensitivities that we ALL are walking over eggshells all the time: my 6 yr old is not allowed to run, to win, to get near to the other child, or even laugh, because my partner seems to think that if DS do that the other one will start crying, and he does.

The tantrums are amazing, I have been kicked, my partner constantly gets shouted at, kicked and even scratched if he doesn't comply to the minutia to his child's requests, a drop of ketchup put on the wrong side may mean the plate ends up on the floor.

TBH I think it is not fair on my 6 yr old son and myself to be stressed out all the time he is around. So... I'm sorry for my partner, but I think I will call the relationship off after Christmas.

And no, it is not that I didn't know what I was getting in when I got in a relationship with a man that had a child. I have been in other relationship where children from previous marriages where around and I absolutely adored the time we spend together with his children (I will miss those children forever).

[Ladyanonymous]

Aw I'm sorry Biobytes - it hasn't got to those proportions yet but you are right - it is really annoying watching those whims being indulged.

Every weekend she has some sort of illness (sometimes real sometimes very likely imagined) and when she hurts herself (all the bloody time!) its like an episode of ER - (from him). We have been to hospital more times in a yr with his three than I have with mine in 13!

His son fakes a lot of illnesses when he is here too and I think that its a way they have found that works to get their dads attention who IMO in the past has been selfish with his time when it comes to his kids esp as he is in the forces.

[spidookly]

You don't sound like a bitch at all, you sound great.

You also have noticed some things about his dynamic with his DDs that he should listen to - as you know them all so well and yet have more of an "outsider" point of view (I know you are not an outsider, but you are less partial iyswim).

It's not fair on either DD for his pandering of the older DD's insecurities to go on. It really is not nice at all that he allows her to be so mean to her little sister, and basically rewards her for it. Those girls deserve to have parents that help their sibling relationship, not that undermine it by playing favourites.

Also it is absolutely reasonable to have rules about bedtime (and 6 year olds should not be up as late as 13 year olds - 9pm is late for a child that young), early morning etc.

Her coming into your bed at 5am is not on if you don't like it.

He needs to raise her to be an independent girl, not encourage her to be a whiney child.

[FreudianFoxSquishedByAPouffe]

What is their relationship like with their mum? Just wondering if that is impacting on this situation?

[WildistheWind]

I think Biobytes & spidookly are spot on.

I'm 6 years into my marriage to DH and my DBDs were 4 and 2 when I entered their lives- I have been right where you are and it wasn't a happy place for no- one in the family.

Men often carry the guilt of their failed marriage and it does transform them into 'Disney Dads'- They cannot say NO or risk upsetting their children because they feel bad they have suffered the split. They are crippled by the fear of making them sad. OH needs to address his own feelings and he needs to be a parent; that means teaching them some basic rules, respect & care for their needs.

Children will do what they can get away with- they're only human and if not taught that it is wrong- they will carry on.

It is okay to acknowledge the fact that it is hard for the children but it is wrong to let them rule the roost on the back of the guilt. Kids need boundaries, whatever their circumstances-

OH needs to split his time equally between both his DDs. There should not be ''special rules'' or ??no rules?? for any children in your household- All rules should apply to all children if you want to avoid an ''Us & Them' situation. It won?t be easy to make your OH see the light but he will become a better parent if he addresses this issue as soon as possible.
HTH

[Ladyanonymous]

Pegs - I want to print out your post and frame it for him .

[Biobytes]

You are right pegs, I think that the problem with the situation is that it creates that "us / them" divide. I want DS and I to be part of a family, a well blended one, but it is not happening. The situation has just barely (BARELY) improved in 2 years we have been together, so I feel like we are shoved apart, that the child rules the house and our outings, and that we are some kind of second class citizens when he is around. What gets me the most is that my partner has very high standards and expectations for the behaviour of my DS but none whatsoever for his own.

[WildistheWind]

Bio I do feel for you and know how that feels.

It was getting to that point where I was thinking of leaving- I had a massive heart to heart (and row-tears you name it) with DH and said that if he can't become the parent he needs to be then there was no way I & DD would live like second class citizen in our own home. I was also really scared of DD developing self-confidence issues etc.

I used a fast forward analogy and asked how would he deal with adults that acted like that around him: how would that feel?

Then I was quite dramatic but basically told him if he didn't change his parenting ( or lack of ) his dear children would become socially and affectively inadequate and would struggle to form significant relationships, would never find real satisfaction in their lives because they we lead to believe that all should be done for them. All that because he felt quilty his ExW walked out- Was it really worth it ? Only then he bursted into tears and realised how wrong it was-

It took a lot of work to break these patterns and achieve some sort of normality- We did get there and I am glad for it.

[WildistheWind]

Just re-read -oops-didn't mean to Hijack and hopefully my own experience can help fellow BoMs

[Ladyanonymous]

My problem is that I let it all build up and then it explodes into a row when really I want to tackle each issue in a calm manner, but clearly poining out it isn't on - this would then turn each weekend into a tense nightmare for us all though

He is much like Bio's partner but not as extreme, but always uses the excuse that his kids are only little (4 and 6 nearly) but when do they reach a point where they do have to help?

Thing is his DD1 does actually like to help and when I give her little things to do she really likes it.

[Biobytes]

Pegs, we had that conversation a few months ago. It changed one thing, DS was normally asked to handover whatever thing he was playing with the moment the other boy decided he wanted to play with it (the DS is younger stuff...), now he doesn't and has even got to the point of telling his son off if he has a tantrum about it, but at the end of the day DP is still thinking that my DS has done something very bad to his child by not handing the toy over.

I'm really fed up of being there sitting in the middle trying to negotiate the needs of a spoiled rotten child (his), a very active one (mine), and a resentful adult who doesn't miss opportunity to pick on my child whenever he can.


It's doomed to be honest.

LA I told DP that his child was ALWaYS going to be younger than mine and that it wasn't fair that DS was landed with so much responsibilities throughout his life just because he was older, when the other child had practically none. It helped to remind DP about his younger sister who was always allowed to take as much as she wanted and never to give anything in return, and who now can't lift a finger to do anything to help with the care of their very frail mother. That hit home.... for a while.

[WildistheWind]

Bio That is such a shame and I'm for you.

Sometimes I wish to could sit down those disney dads and give them a good kickinthearse talking to !

Some men don't realise how lucky they are !