suda - over here - waves(167 Posts)
Hi Suda I don't think i've got any good advice to give as I think I am just starting out on something similar to this with my youngest SS. We've touched on this before about how he acts differently the minute DH is home.
And I know what you mean about the 'Suda's in bed' thing, the other day DH told SS 'yes you can have another slice of pizza, jonesy's on a bit of a diet' in my head I was screeeeaming 'why the fuck did you tell him that!!!'. I pretended I hadn't heard it . Really felt utterly murderous toward DH too .
This morning DH was dropping them at school on his way to work, I was still upstairs it was only 7am, and frankly I didn't want to come down and make a cuppa until they'd gone. DH must have told them about 5 times 'get your stuff together and wait in the car' they kept coming back into the hall 'ok we're ready Dad' 'so get in the car then' etc - all DH wanted was to kiss me goodbye in peace and they just wouldn't allow him one fecking minute to do so - just lurking around. And this shit happens all the time, they are so invasive and intrusive, - clueless that we need and should have our own space and time.
very good point too about 'DH has the buffer of loving him' - exactly how I feel.
I have such sympathy for you (and am a little scared of what the future holds for me).
I realise I have jumped in and hijacked your very own nice new thread - sorry.
I will leave MJ to it, and if I can think of anything useful to say I'll pop back.
MJ, you're not being bossy or lecturey at all, - I always find you have loads of helpful advice and viewpoints.
And I LOVE your style!!
DBS1 is 17, DBS2 is 15, DS1 is 6 and DS2 is 3.
both DBSs are intrusive and invasive, but it's DBS2 who's my real 'problem child' .
Suda - just wanted to say that I take my hat off to you. It must be damn difficult (OK, f***ing near impossible) and I'm sending you some moral support.
You must feel invaded, permanently, big style. Under seige.
Hello again. Actually, your stepson probably taints your entire life. Not trying to make you suicidal or anything, but I bet that's how it feels. Even though I only have my SS on alternate weekends, his lifelessness and apathy seems to darken the entire household. Not to mention the mess, fusty smells and skanky bathroom habits.
If I had to live with SS permanently, I think I'd become so angry at my husband (for validating SS's behaviour) that I think it would drive a wedge between us.
I was reading another forum recently, and to quote one of their posters (who is in a situation like yours) "I'm trapped: I have to choose between living with an unemployed slob, or leaving my husband. I don't want to do either."
Which is why I totally support MJ's attempts to help you sort this out. I agree with her comments that your DH is probably aware of most of it already, but let's face it, it's easier to pretend he doesn't get it, than to tackle the problem ......
Don't worry just yet MJ, maybe Suda's in her studio working on lyrics for her next piece, it must be good therapy.
thinking of you Suda
sorry still haven't thought of anything useful yet, off to Mum's for tea and will chew the <general> subject over with my sisters, although most of the time they just think DH should 'put his foot down' - I know it's not as easy as that though.
by the way i shudder at the thought of 'blankets on the sofa' - one of my pet hates too.
I think MJ's idea of a weekly meeting is a good one. Maybe start off with a 'talking stick' so no one can interrupt anyone else.
Keep a diary so that when you meet you can say 'OK, on Monday you completely ignored me for 10 mins in the kitchen although I said good morning did you sleep OK'
Suda, as a BOM whose SS stole her knickers and masturbated in them whilst watching kiddie porn, I can completely empathise with your situation.
Please forgive us if we seem bossy or preachy. I think we all appreciate your (black) humour about the situation and know that sometimes we would all either howl in a corner or tell a joke. One or tother.
Oh - Relate? They took us as a family?
Ah thank you MJ and all you lot - so so appreciated.
Mj you are not bossy - and Petal and Jonesy you are just lovely to all try and help me - I think the only thing I do in return is make you laugh now and again. But I know it doesnt change anything but my sense of humour has got me through so much in life and rest assured that little scrote is not going to take that off me !!!
He doesnt work with his Dad on Sats MJ - I remember that thread that was someone else - cant remember who.
He works 20 hours a week in a shop - a combination of shifts - He has been at college doing IT for 6 years - all subsidised by his Dad - living at home not paying digs till I insisted about a year ago when he started working more hours - he has finished college this year and we have no idea whether he has passed his degree - he hasnt had the manners to say - and DH wont ask.
Two theories - one he is just bloody ignorant and wouldnt think to tell his Dad after supporting him through college - how he's done - or two - he did really badly - so doesnt want to tell us - my favourite really. His Dad doesnt want to ask him IMO cos he is embarrassed what I will think/say with regards to how it affects his prospects of getting a good job instead of an 'enough to stay at home and a bit of pocket money one' - IYKWIM - if he's done badly DH knows I will be kicking off as my light at end of tunnell gets further away IYSWIM.
Have you read what I said on other thread I hijacked about when DH is out - this cocky sort of whistling he does while looking at me down his nose and not speaking to me - then blatantly speaking to me without hesitation when he wants to know something etc - what would you all do - my DD says I shouldnt answer him - but I do - I just answer almost automatically really - then afterwards i think - wtf - why did I answer his question when he is so ignorant with me the rest of the time - very dramatic phrase I know but I feel angry at myself and undermined - even a bit violated - whenever I fall for this - like Ive let him pull my strings - take the piss again basically. But if I just ignored him back that would feel so childish ??
What do you all make of him and the psychology of it - if its mind games surely theres a counteract to it I could use ??
Yesterday example - I came in with shopping - he was in his room - downstaires off kitchen - with his light on - door slightly ajar - sat at his computer - not semi-dressed or anything embarrassing.
So he is a few feet away from me when I enter kitchen - he sees/hears me obviously through his door - so he immediately shuts his door firmly but not a slam. He makes no attempt to shout 'Hiya' or anything - then he stays in his room - this is all common practise btw - then when I go upstairs to loo - I hear him come straight out of his room - opens kitchen cupboards - can hear doors going - opens fridge door - shuts it again - then as soon as I head downstairs he goes back in his room. obviously he wants no contact with me but wants to know what shopping Ive bought !
Then his Dad comes in from work - I actually have started counting to ten this is so reliable - and out he pops of his room - and acts all normal - doesnt acknowledge me and obviously Dad presumes we have exchanged social niceties during day. Talks to his Dad.
Lately - you will all be proud of me I have been refusing to cook his tea - I never cook two different ones anyway - wont do it - never have for my own kids - but I do cook his if we are having something he likes - or he likes part of it. I dont mind a bit of adaptation - i.e. doing his stew in a seperate dish in the oven with ours without the onions for example - or missing the fried egg off his if we are having ham egg and chips (DHs fave)etc.
But above behaviour and his sense of entitlement in general to have everything laid on for him by me or his dad - has so pissed me off of late that I have just being cooking stuff for our tea that he doesnt like - or even when its something he does like I've just been doing ours. My reasoning is when DH comments - 'why've you not done DSS any tea?' - is that he has not spoken to me all day - Ive been in the kitchen just on other side of his door preparing tea for an hour - or whatever - so unless he communicates with me I have no idea what he wants or is doing for his tea. !
Do you know what the cheeky little bastard did the other night when me and his dad were sat eatin (broccoli bake which he hates} - he came out of his room and really stroppily says 'Do I not get any tea??' His dad said - 'no its broccoli bake - you hate that'.
Me and DH had massive row later - I just said look - if he had come out of his room and spoke to me at all today or come in the kitchen when I was cooking - I would have told him there was a burger thing (he loves all that crap) in the fridge for him which I'd bought for him that day as we were having Broccoli bake - I said but he didnt say kiss my arse even all day and I certainly wasnt going to knock on his door to tell him. I said to DH where the fuck does he get his sense of entitlement from - that you or me -after a long days work should come in and put a hot meal in front of him !!
I also hit on the mind games with DH - I said why do you think he waited till you were here to come out and challenge me about his lack of tea - why didnt he come out during the hour I was clattering around outside his room and say - What you cooking Suda ? and I would have told him about his alternative etc. But I said 'Oh no - he has to challenge me in front of you - so you will know that wicked nasty s/mum Suda has not made lickle ickle SS any tea. He does this a lot - I once pulled his plugs out in his room in the morning - sick of things left on - and he waited till me and DH were sat down in the evening and then he comes out of his room all affronted and says - 'Who's pulled all my plugs out'.
You know its so fucking transparent to me - that I just wanna scream at DH sometimes.
Ooh no sorry you lot - oh no Ive been composing a novel - as you can see above. Have to go soon tho for a while DGD coming - will come back later
thank you thank you thank you thank you....................................thank you
just means so much you have no idea xx
This warfare is obviously impacting you more than him as you are a decent, morally centered, kind hearted person and he is an utter twat with an over inflated sense of entitlement and ego.
I would fully support you not cooking his dinner. It is high time he learns to start cooking and coping for himself. Tell DH that it will help him in the long run.
He thinks this is all a game. But you know it is real life. Don't know what to suggest except it is a shame that press gangs no longer operate............
It's my SS who works with his Dad on a Saturday - it's hard not to get all the details mixed up!
I know EXACTLY the game that Suda's SS is playing: even though he never speaks these words, his actions say: "I know you hate me, but I'm my Dad's little boy, I'm fire-proof, I can get away with murder, and there's not a darn thing you can do about it." Pure antagonism. In your shoes, I'd be serving time for murder by now.
My SS does this too - although on a far lesser scale - I blame our husband's for creating, and then perpetuating, Pink Fluffy Paradise for their offspring.
As he works 20 hours per week in a shop, he'll never be self-sufficient. Your DH needs to encourage him to get a Proper Job, Full Time, with Proper Wages. As things stand at the moment, there's no incentive for him to try and better himself, because your DH hands him everything on a plate.
Heaven forbid he should ever have a wife and family to support (I know this probably seems about as likely as winning the lottery) but he'll need to earn a decent wage.
It's times like this when I think they should bring back National Service .....
I am just that your dh expects you to put up with being treated like that.
Have you ever thought of installing a nannycam?????
What happens if you knock and then open his door and say something along the lines of "good evening, I'm home, let me know if you would like to join us for dinner?"
am curious to what extent he can be an entitled idiot.
only £80 a month - i put it up from £50 a while back as he earns about £500 per month I think now.
Why are you feeding him at all then, his board doesn't cover the cost of his food tell both of them if he doesn't want to pay for 5* hotel service he won't get it
Suda would your dh expect you to put up with being treated like this by any other lodger or any other member of his family?
Seriously ask him.
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