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DSC gone to live with their mother will it last?

(7 Posts)
Relievedtheyhavegone Fri 12-Nov-10 12:07:51

I usually lurk on these threads as I find a lot of comfort in that the problems I face as a step mother are not "just me".

A very long story but the crux of it is that my DH had residency of his DS 9 and DD 7 for the last 7 years but it was just an agreement between him and his ex wife.
They have now decided to live with their BM and she of course is over the moon as has been angling for this for years.
DH agreed but on the terms that if they were no longer happy then they could come back, I'm a bit hmm as that was the reason they wanted to go and live with her as their relationship with me was one of the key issues.

I have struggled enormously with coping with them and to be honest I had all but given up.
They are very anti me and have been fed all sorts of rubbish by their BM which has made my life pretty hellish.
The stress and unhappiness I was feeling was just overwhelming and my relationship with my own DD was disintegrating as I found all my time and energy was swallowed up by my DSC.

I am hugely hugely relieved that they are not here anymore and the house is a different place. I haven't felt angry or upset, I haven't had to raise my voice, plead, rant or just leave the room once since they left.
DH is relaxed and cheerful - probably because I am. My DD is back to her old happy self and we now have our easy going, loving relationship back.

The current arrangement is that they will be visiting us every other weekend which will start in a few weeks once they have settled into their new school.
Despite the relief I am now starting to feel that awful dread in my gut that they will want to come back. DH has once or twice said he is OK with being a weekend dad "for a bit" and that they are coming "home" to visit.
I feel that he is either putting it into those terms as a way of coping or he really thinks it will be a matter of time before they want to come back.
On the other hand he has been very blind to how strongly they have always wanted to live with their mother, and as to how unhappy we all were.
I know I should talk to him but I don't think he will take it very well that we both want different things when it comes to his DC, and I know I wont cope if they ever come back.
We are going to family counselling so I may wait to bring it up there.

Has anyone had any similar experience of their DSC going to live with the other parent and did it work out for them in the long term?

mjinhiding Fri 12-Nov-10 12:57:38

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Petal02 Fri 12-Nov-10 14:16:13

I can only imagine the relief you must have felt when they moved back to their mothers, and the thought of losing your new-found peace must be dreadful.

I haven't been in your situation, so I can't offer any advice from my own personal experience, but I just wanted to send you some moral support.

I find it hard enough at times with one step child on alternate weekends, and the relief when he goes home is almost euphoric. The only thing my husband and I really argue about is access weekends and I can understand how your entire relationship starts fall to pieces if the children are with you all time.

The situation you decribe is something we often read about on this forum - ie there's a complete mismatch of views, the father wants to have his children around as much as possible, but to his new wife/partner it's a stressful intrusion. Your partner views his children as a welcome addition to the household, but for you, they turn your life upside down.

I'm pleased to hear you're going to family counselling, may that would be the place to discuss your differing views on the children.

Relievedtheyhavegone Fri 12-Nov-10 14:22:08

That's what I'm hoping that a bit of distance will improve things between us but not to the extent that they want to come back!

Very selfish I know. DH is heartbroken but still views them as "things" that he should have and not his ex.
Its been very hard to get him to the point of seeing that it doesn't matter if she feeds them junk and they go to bed late, its more that they are happier there and want to be there rather than here with us.

Yes I saw the BM thread grin

Relievedtheyhavegone Fri 12-Nov-10 14:30:50

Thank you for the support

This subject is pretty much a no go area in our house at the moment. I cant wait until we have our next session and I can get it off my chest.

mjinhiding Fri 12-Nov-10 14:39:22

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mjinhiding Fri 12-Nov-10 14:42:09

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