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Tell me, Count Olaf, the lies you've told your children - chance to win £300 voucher NOW CLOSED

(451 Posts)
CountOlaf Fri 13-Jan-17 09:19:31

My dear MNers,

It is I, Count Olaf. Those fools charming fellows at MNHQ have temporarily allowed me to take the reins, and while I have them, I propose that - rather than your usual milksop fare (driveway parking, houmous, and whatnot) - we discuss something rather more meaty.

I want you to tell me the terrible lies you have told your DCs.

By 'lie' I mean, of course, an intentionally false statement - rather like the fiendish zinger I have (thus far) got away with telling those wretched Baudelaire orphans, following the tragic (boo hoo grin) death of their darling Ps: that is, that I have their very best interests at heart, and certainly did not become their guardian with the sole intention of getting my hands on their sizeable inheritance. To which end, I have, as some of you may already be aware, developed a suite of cunning disguises to prevent them from wriggling from my grasp.

So do tell - what are the magnificent lies you have told your DCs. Maybe you've told them a single bed has plenty of room for 3 DCs to share? Or that rocks are toys? Share your devious methods below and I will reward one of you with a £300 voucher...but only one of you, of course: life isn’t fair!

Yours ingeniously,

Count Olaf

Standard Insight T&Cs Apply

Mehfruittea Fri 13-Jan-17 10:38:40

Easter bunny/Father Christmas don't have enough space so they store chocolate and toys in shops. You can't buy them.

When you lie, you get a red dot on your forehead. <stares at forehead> DS usually covers his forehead now when telling porkys.

The school bell has already gone, I heard it. Hurry up!!!

CMOTDibbler Fri 13-Jan-17 10:49:03

DS is a terribly cynical child, and doesn't accept anything on face value (which is very trying) - so not easy to lie to. I have however, been reduced to telling him that I get emails from school telling me off if he doesn't have a coat as he is a very warm person and would happily skip off to school in a polo shirt even today. But after they wouldn't let him walk to the pool without putting on a coat for lost property, I have to enforce it for my own peace of mind - and arguments that he'll be cold don't work as he isn't!

TheLivingAsheth Fri 13-Jan-17 10:57:17

Chocolate in advent calenders is really horrible. It tastes disgusting. That's why we have picture ones. [I actually think it is quite horrible but I know they wouldn't].

SerialReJoiner Fri 13-Jan-17 10:58:32

When you hear the music from the ice cream van, it means he's terribly sorry but he's all out of ice creams.

Years ago, we had little quail birds in an enclosure in the garden. They were all the same age, so suddenly over the space of a few weeks, they started dying off one by one. sad The last surviving bird seemed to be doing well, until the day I accidentally left the door to the enclosure open. By the time I noticed, little bird was long gone. Upon closer inspection, I found a single feather and cat footprints inside the cage. I told the children that the bird flew away, as I couldn't bear admitting that our last surviving pet was likely eaten by a cat....

Bearfrills Fri 13-Jan-17 10:59:57

DD, 5yo, got some rather blingy clip on earrings. With a pair of glasses, a bright handbag and her Pat Butcher earrings she looked like the glamorous owner of a Blackpool B&B circa 1987.

So I called her Beryl. "Come on, Beryl! Dinner is ready!".

And she giggled so I kept on calling her Beryl.

Then it escalated and, I've no idea why other than it was funny at the time, I lied and told her that her real name - a perfectly normal, nice name that sounds nothing at all like Beryl - is in fact short for Beryl. I even roped DH in on it and texted him at work "make sure you call <DD> Beryl when you walk in the door tonight".

Now when she introduces herself she says "my name is Beryl but you can call me <real name> for short if you like".

MrsBellefleur Fri 13-Jan-17 11:00:22

Loads. I'm a bad parent.

Sorry dd we don't have enough pennies for that
The shops/play centre/park isn't open today
There's no more chocolate
That roads closed so we have to go the long way so you have a ten minute nap to save my sanity.

WorraLiberty Fri 13-Jan-17 11:02:12

When you lie, you get a red dot on your forehead. <stares at forehead> DS usually covers his forehead now when telling porkys.

Blimey! What does he make of married Hindus who sport a Bindi on their forehead? shock grin

Trinpy Fri 13-Jan-17 11:03:07

That the ice cream van is called a Music Van and its only purpose is to drive around playing fun music for us all to listen to.

WorraLiberty Fri 13-Jan-17 11:03:47

Sorry, that was a serious question actually, although it did make me smile - hence the grinning smiley.

DaftJelly Fri 13-Jan-17 11:05:57

Oh god, so many.

Ferrero Rochers have alcohol in them so aren't for children.

YouTube stops broadcasting at 7pm.

If Mummy and Daddy's bedroom door is shut it means we're talking about your birthday/Christmas presents so don't come in.

WorraLiberty Fri 13-Jan-17 11:08:56

Oh, I forgot my lie grin

When my kids were little, we told them the (neighbour's) red car parked outside, actually belonged to a plain clothed police officer who pulled up at 8pm every night, to make sure all the kids were in bed.

In reality, it was just my neighbour coming home from work after his shift at the local garage blush

LaContessaDiPlump Fri 13-Jan-17 11:19:26

DS1 spotted a Christmas present in the car and demanded that he and DS2 be allowed to take it and play with it immediately. I told him we were storing it for friends on behalf of Santa hmm, then when I got out of the car (we were driving) immediately grabbed it and hid it before DS1 saw me. He then ransacked the car searching for it and I managed to convince him that Santa and the elves had heard us and used their magic to extract the toy from the car WHILE WE WERE STILL DRIVING. I think I may have inadvertently made the boy Believe. Whoops blush

LaContessaDiPlump Fri 13-Jan-17 11:20:05

Worra I think you're forgetting your famous lie about the cat grin

glenthebattleostrich Fri 13-Jan-17 11:21:13

My debit card only works in certain shops.

Before I married DH I used to work as an elf in the North pole. I still do seasonal work for father Christmas, he gets stuff the elves don't have time to make delivered to my house and picks it up once a month when he pops in for a coffee.

We have a fairy who lives in our house and she knows when you've not brushed your teeth / hair etc. If she sees that you've not done these then she hides the treat jar.

WorraLiberty Fri 13-Jan-17 11:24:07

Oh crap yes Contessa! Although I tend to file that under 'Unprepared blurt out', rather than a lie I kept up grin

DS: "Mum, what's a lesbian?"

Me: "Err, it's a breed of cat, son" blush

RedGrapeCornSnake Fri 13-Jan-17 11:31:25

That polo mints cure the pain from wasp stings - the cooling effect of the mint counteracts the heat from the sting

dollydaydream114 Fri 13-Jan-17 11:31:35

My parents' garden has a deep ditch behind it, which is often full of water. Beyond the ditch is a lovely open field, and my parents' back gate opens on to a bridge my dad built from concrete slabs so you can cross the ditch into the field.

For some reason - and I have no idea why I thought this would be reasonable - I told my little nephew that there were alligators living in the ditch. At the time he seemed fine with this, but shortly afterwards he saw a wildlife programme in which an alligator leapt out of the water and caught a goat or something, and was scared by this.

Consequently, the next time he was at my parents' house and they suggested taking him into the field to play, he absolutely refused to cross the bridge because he was fully terrified the alligators would get him. No amount of 'Silly Auntie Dolly was only joking' would convince him otherwise. We had to 'check for alligators' and then carry him over the bridge in our arms for about the next four years.

insan1tyscartching Fri 13-Jan-17 11:31:39

I've told so many that I've lost count tbh, The ones my dc remember is that I told ds, who hated vegetables, that there were no vegetables in his stew (after making a huge performance of removing his carrots) and that the reason the potatoes were different colours was because I had had to use red and white potatoes they definitely weren't swede and parsnip grin
Dd on a school trip in France text me in a panic to let me know that all my texts were in French. I had told her that once you crossed the channel phones would automatically become French speaking and texting grin She laboriously text back l e a v e a s p a c e b e t w e e n y o u r l e t t e r s t o f o o l t h e p h o n e.

RedGrapeCornSnake Fri 13-Jan-17 11:33:47

And we have a blue dot that appears on your tongue when you lie - if they refuse to show me their tongue it's pretty obvious someone's telling untruths

TondelayaDellaVentamiglia Fri 13-Jan-17 11:33:58

Q: Mummy, why are there so many sweetie papers in the door pocket of your car?
A: total lie Ohh I was waiting for you in the car at shool and there was all this rubbish blowing up the road, so I brought it home to put it in the bin.

Child: Mummy, where is my Rocket I made? a nursery craft project comprising of toilet rolls glued to yoghurt pots, taped to egg boxes, daubed in glitter and poster paints
Me: I don't know darling, it was in the car, is it not there?
<child goes to look>
Child: It is not there
Me: and here's the lie I think someone must have seen it and stolen it. Oh dear. mention of the fact that I parked right next to the bins and hurled it in there as soon as his back was turned.

itchylegs Fri 13-Jan-17 11:34:32

that we are very poor and they need to work hard at school to escape our grinding poverty..

Mummy2aRockstar Fri 13-Jan-17 11:36:01

The baubles on our tree are santa cams so he's always watching to see if your (DS) is being good.

The internet goes to bed at 7pm

My son hates broccoli so we told him that's all the hulk eats and that is why he's so green.

EatingMyWords Fri 13-Jan-17 11:37:45

I used to say 'Oh dear you can't have that toy- look it says not for under X age'. Kind of true if you are a stickler for rule following!

JuneFromBethesda Fri 13-Jan-17 11:38:15

grin Worra's cat story

When our elder daughter was a toddler she didn't much like meat, so any time she caught us eating chocolate/biscuits/cake [basically any unhealthy food we didn't want to share, entirely for her own good obviously] and asked what we were eating, we'd say 'chicken'. It worked like a charm.

Our younger daughter is much more savvy than her sister and has a bloodhound's sense of smell so if I've been eating chocolate she knows immediately blush

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